Best Whateven Quotes This Week

ChocoTaco
posted a quote
October 20, 2013 8:01pm UTC

Don't you hate in the Mulan movie
When Mulan just wipes all the makeup off her face so perfectly and evenly. Like I have to wash my face three different times, use makeup remover, then resort to scrubbing just to get my makeup off. And just forget about eyeliner because that stays on for life. And there's Mulan using her sleeve to remove her cake face. Not cool.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 134 points

ChocoTaco
posted a quote
December 10, 2013 5:01pm UTC

My mom was telling me about embarrassing things that happened to her when she first started dating my dad.
And one time he came over to her house for dinner, and he asked for dressing for his salad. So my grandma gave him some dressing from the back of her fridge. It tasted sour so my dad checked the expiration date, and it expired 3 years before he used it. My grandma gave him 3 year old dressing for his salad. I guess my mom just wants to prove that she isn't nearly as bad as my grandma.

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bye*
posted a quote
September 26, 2013 4:49pm UTC

how are quotes with 40 faves making it into the first page of top quotes this makes me sick

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MyWittyProfile
posted a quote
February 8, 2013 3:40pm UTC

That one person you hate and they seem to show up everywhere

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☾ J a n n e t t e ☽*
posted a quote
August 12, 2014 8:46pm UTC

Format by jannette aka _Jannette.
WHAT COUNTS NOWADAYS:
looks
________________ personalities

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HakunaaMatata
posted a quote
March 23, 2014 3:44pm UTC

If you love me,
COME FIND ME. }
»MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 22 points

sarahmarlowXxx
posted a quote
February 24, 2013 6:23pm UTC

Dad: Son.
*Puts hand on shoulder*
Dad: You know, sometimes
*Puts another hand on shoulder*
Dad: Life just
*Puts third hand on shoulder*

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DeathOfASon
posted a quote
June 19, 2013 4:20pm UTC

When you accidentally close the wrong tab and feel like you just dropped a baby off a cliff.

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hyperion*
posted a quote
December 13, 2013 3:53pm UTC

bullets
my thoughts are like bullets
and they ricochet around in my head
gun shots rattle my mind
my head is a constant battlefield
I can’t focus
there are too many explosions
it brought me down and down and down
i fell a long time ago
no wonder
it feels like
wherever I go
is a war
and thinking
becomes a death wish

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 15 points

*Tori Leigh*
posted a quote
January 9, 2014 4:38pm UTC

OKAY SO STORY TIME GUISE.
So yesterday I was talking with some friends during geometry class and we were talking about condoms being like incredibly inflatable. Like, I was telling them about
how I watched this youtube video where this guy pumps air into one and it literally gets bigger than his torso, and the thing takes up the whole screen.
Well... so I was like...
Me: ... and it just got bigger and bigger and like...
*teacher sneaks up behind me*
Him: *quietly* .. and bigger..?
Me: OH UHM YES BALLOONS THOSE LITTLE RASCALS ARE ALWAYS INFLATING TO THE SIZE OF THE MOON
*teacher silently walks away*
Me and friends: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLL *dies*

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brittwzhere
posted a quote
January 20, 2014 7:57pm UTC

How I wanna flirt: Oh yeah, baby let's just go back to my place. You're so fine.
How I actually flirt: Wanna frick?

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*silvergirl*
posted a quote
October 30, 2013 6:59pm UTC

So I was playing truth or dare with my friends and they dared me to go get the Gandalf costume from the drama hallway and yell "you shall not pass" as the bell rang and people try to get around me.
I grabbed the costume and the staff with the beard and stood infront of the door. The bell rang and a crowd of people started walked towards the doors I yelled "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" and then this six foot black guy with dreadlocks walks up to me and says
"Gandalf we all know you're a stupid white boy- so move dat a.ss out of the way fool"
and than he picked me up and put me aside from the crowd.

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Amenah
posted a quote
April 30, 2014 7:28am UTC

JFUOSDIJFLSKDJF HOLY SHlT OH MY GOD WHAT WHEN
did everyone know that on your birthday cats flew around the witty banner and i was just behind or wut
omg
/dying

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 7 points

pinkteddy
posted a quote
November 30, 2013 4:46pm UTC

I hate it when people see me at the grocery store and they're like
"Hey, what are you doing here?"
You know.. hunting elephants.

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The Chosen One*
posted a quote
December 17, 2013 7:18pm UTC

I think I stopped breathing for like half a second.
my friend just said this
there was sh/t about to come off my @ss and i laughed so hard when i put the scary pic because i thought it was funny and then i felt like the sh/t was literally gonna come of my @ss. like, i was gonna take a dump without even trying and without the toilet‎

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*Tori Leigh*
posted a quote
December 27, 2013 12:24am UTC

Yeah that's right, you GO OUT and find your inner Dobey a pimp.

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xxMaddixx101
posted a quote
July 7, 2013 4:22am UTC

What if tomorrow was today, and all there was...
was what you couldn't say.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 7 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
June 18, 2014 3:18pm UTC

On the train after random inspections:
White girl #1: omg did you get searched?
White girl #2: Yes, I can't believe they picked me.
#2: I almost cried.
#1: You know it's because they profile people.
#2: I know it's not even fair. That's discrimination.
Me: What.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 4 points

beautifulsmiles
posted a quote
August 8, 2013 7:03am UTC

I went to "Top Quotes"
after not having the chance to go on Witty much recently, and I'm trying to not laugh out loud at seven in the morning because my mom is quietly reading a book.
I don't want to have to explain myself.
OMG, I can't even. I definitely missed funny people.

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theskycatsociety
posted a quote
March 9, 2014 2:59pm UTC

sometimes in the middle of the night
i get out of bed and i sit on my windowsill
and i look out into the night
i can never see the stars or the moon
maybe i'm not looking hard enough

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 6 points

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Best Whateven Quotes This Week