"You said it in a playful way. You were being serious. i knew but i played along. both on self-sabotage mode. i knew, i just didn't care. if you're going to ruin me, just do it. we're not coming back to our senses anytime soon. like we've always done, we'll bury this one too. another dirty secret to bring us closer. your past and mine too. they're similar. our futures...we will worry about that some other time. right now it's fight or flight. survival mode. we don't know any of that. your my unhealthy coping mechanism. we're both so serious, it's funny. you keep creeping into my thoughts. i feel myself become more like you. even your breathing is timed with my heart beat. started from your fingertips now this blue stain has made its way all over. if you're going to ruin everything, start and end with me. if i meet your eyes and don't break, it's over."
I crumbled her into a ball and threw her out in the trash. when I see her now I don't feel anything for her. she is pitiful, but she doesn't even deserve my pity. in my eyes she's just a run down, sick dog. never loyal, always barked at the sound of the wind. didn't learn new tricks, just stuck to the same old ones. years of patience, yet barely even toilet trained. we all learnt the games she could play. now sick of throwing the same ball for her to pick up and bring back again. this is stagnant, it is draining. i stopped thinking of her as an equal. i can't respect someone who can flip their switch and not care about anyone but themselves. stupid, waste of time. would have thrown her out earlier if i knew it would become like this.
Can we be bestfriends in love,dear? Can we grow old together? I wanna be by your side for the years and years to come. Can we fall like feathers? Falling softly and slowly for one another? I wanna be here for you,through the good and the bad my love. 💘
grateful people are happy people. i've heard this all my life. i am grateful. even for silly things. when i forget to take my supplements and i get a heart palpitation later on in the day. i'm grateful for even this reminder. it's not just me and my head. there's a heart working hard for us too. i'm thankful. i'm so beyond thankful and yet still.