time never healed anything. I remained bitter for as long as I wanted to. if I did something with that time then it would have been that something that healed the wounds. time is just flowing. time doesn't care if i'm hurting or not. time is as selfish as i am.
it's the type of self confidence that comes from within. not the one built up through working hard and being kind. it's the type of self confidence that was nurtured in the arms of parents who saw no one else but you. when you were young, you saw the love they had for you in their eyes, you could even feel their love in the words they spoke. i'll always envy that. i got hugs too, but it wasn't the same. i don't know if i can accept it but i seek that love elsewhere now. i'll keep working hard...i'll keep trying to be nice. it's just a bit sad really. i emulated the parts of my parents i saw the most and added some parts i had made on my own. that in itself was not enough. i can't compete with a chronic disease. i can't compete with near death experiences that make you cherish them more. i can't compete. i should be glad that i can't compete. i should be glad that i'm healthy. i am glad. i'm glad. for being born healthy, i am glad. for being born healthy in this family, i am...so very glad lucky.
in a slightly desperate way i want to get out of here. just for today, i don't want to be me. today i'm not a type A, stressed out workaholic. i'll call you over to play with me. let's pretend we have no commitments today. let's walk, drive around. just play with me. we'll be unreachable. holding hands, doing couple things. let's play around as time flows by. don't let me come back to my senses, when i say it's time to head back; make me stay an extra hour. i won't answer calls, i won't even look at my phone. let's just play.
Dudu* posted a quote
November 12, 2019 10:01pm EST
it was said in a simple way; when you're sad cry. - like when you're happy and you can't help but laugh. in the same way, when you're sad and it can't be helped, thoughtlessly wtih no restraint just as easily as you once laughed, you can cry too. holding back a laugh never made the situation less funny anyways.
i like being alive. well i don't like like it but i'm doing it at least. it comes in waves. my feelings and thoughts they change like anyone elses. for a while i held myself up to an impossible standard. i didn't let myself cry. that changed when i couldn't go one day without crying. protip; if ur sad, just cry. you sleep a little better too. when my world was ending i thought i was so rational. i remember thinking to myself; everyday of your life is going to be this bad so what's the point. it's scary how level headed i thought i was. because it did make sense at the time. then every new day was as bad as the last. and even when i had an alright day -- it was just that, it was never good. it was just alright. the alright days were rare and i didn't see the point of living through the worst days just to feel alright. i'm better now. i'll probably have another slump soon, that's just how i am. but at least i know now. i can't trick myself into thinking i know how my life will be. if it's gonna be a long depressing life then i'll just have to wait and see how depressing that ish can get. i can't know for sure. just gotta do it. a soul was breathed into me, it's still breathing. this heart is still beating. i can't give up even one second before it does (otherwise that would be super depressing).
if it is you, then yes. i become a yes woman. yes i'm free to hang out. yes that movie sounds great. yes i would kill for an ice cream right now. yes that grey tie goes better than that blue one. yes you're being over dramatic. yes i can come over for family night. yes it's not a problem. yes, yes and did i mention...yes? Yes but you're gonna have to make this up to me. Yes but get me a coffee on the way. Yes i know you love me. Yes i'm the best, we've been over this. Yes, i know when to say no. but with you, there's only reasons to say yes.
this time comes again every day without fail. you walk me to my bus stop, we say our goodbyes, we part ways. i can't help but drag my feet as we make our way to sit down. I don't want to go. i want to continue where we left off. talking about whatever. under warm covers with a movie playing in the background. but now we're out here, sitting on a cold bench. my hands are in the pocket of your coat. your head rests on my shoulder. it's cold and the world is still. You go off on a ramble about the weather, while my mind just goes back to an hour ago. An hour ago you were joking about us spending the night together. We didn't have to do anything, we could just keep talking. You and i just can't ever shut up. it's amazing. of course if it led onto anything else then that'd be just as amazing. but now we're out here. the bus is approaching. you're still talking about how this year's spring doesn't feel like spring. your head still rests on my shoulder, my hands remain in your coat. the conversation changes its course but time won't stop for us. i squint as the bus gets closer. the blinding headlights are near but we stay just as we are. i feel a smile spread on my face. we talked about this earlier. 'What would happen if we missed the last bus?' soon enough the headlights fade and you lift your head and my eyes meet yours. this look on your face. it's my new favourite thing. mischievous. fun. you start saying dreamy things. we'll walk down a flowery path. wherever we go flowers will bloom. suddenly spring feels like spring. of course i'm smitten by you. i eat it all up. if it's you i will follow wherever you lead. with you, even a cold spring afternoon can feel like a cool summer night.
tonight i'm only filled with you. hopelessly in love with you. I hang on every word you say. when you look at me too long, my smile gives me away. my cheeks feel hot, hands clammy. when you smile at me like that, i want to give you my everything. let's stay like this for a while. i'm going to keep letting you hold my hand.
Dudu* posted a quote
September 17, 2019 12:34am EDT
self talk. been very busy lately, have a class in an hour. 2 tests one after the other. presentations and assignments due soon too. dentist tomorrow, a few hours after the first test. a few hours before another test. busy. busy studying and spending time with family, it's been nice but draining. have holidays coming up soon. still have studying to do but won't need to leave the house for any commitments other than that. i like myself when i'm friendly and working hard. i'm very quiet and awkward sometimes. i dont know if i can fix it at this point. it's never too late. i'm going to be more engaged today. ok. back to studying for now.
what helps me cope is realising all of life doesn't have to be enjoyed. life is also waiting. waiting is a part of life. i don't need to feel like i'm missing out on something just because it hasn't occured to me yet. or i don't need to beat myself up just because i dread things. most times i just can't wait for it to be over. waiting for the good parts. waiting to go home. waiting till i can eat my favourite snack. waiting until a dreadful presentation is over so my heart can finally feel at rest. waiting a while, then waiting some more. it doesn't have to be so depressiong. i think i've accepted it as a part of life. it is okay to not want to be in the right now. it's okay to long for the then, to hang on through waiting it out.
As you look around, you ought to be thinking 'where else on earth...no exactly where on earth am i going to find such a charming soul?' Oh just give it up, hurry, this seat...i've saved it for you. the answer to that question, i'll give it to you; 'no where else will you find such charm' so give it up, hurry, i have something to tell you. you're so special, no this seat, i've especially saved it for you.
Today I'm only looking at you. Today I will make flowers bloom for you. Today I am only taking care of you. Today I am on your side. Today you can lean on me. Today I'll make all your dreams come true. Today I will only give you reasons to be happy. From today.
Even if you’re tired, make sure you eat breakfast and lunch then I’ll make sure to compliment you. I miss you. I like you...a lot. I want to hug you a lot. Love, i guess it’s a bit like love. Or maybe I just really love you. Zion T - Eat
"i will live like this just for today. Just for today I’ll live like this, so what? I can’t do anything. Starting from tomorrow I will do my cleaning. I’ll start working on the things I left behind. I’ll try to live, I’ll try to do that. Though it’s so pathetic, oh simply Only for today, i'll be like this." - 2pm : just for today
supposed to be a rest day, all i think of is d-day. i know i should be resting. rest when i'm dead rings in my head. supposed to be my rest day. keep pushing it away. gradually get more tired, but it's not the type of "Oh i need to stop and have a rest day" type of tired. Just a "you've kept it up this long and could keep going" type of tired. need to take one already but don't let myself. gotta do it already but im not ready. running out of rest days.