Dudu* posted a quote
September 20, 2022 3:30pm UTC
one day at a time. my head hurts feeling like i'm sprinting in the same spot. this headache from staying up late and for what? tomorrow will i man up and practice what i learnt? this insecurity, this uncertain, shakable feeling. the annoying inflection that makes a statement sound like a question. that awkward bead of sweat that makes existing appear more difficult than it is. all of it. slowly will dismantle. bring it to a boil, melt it and cast iron into the image of myself i longed to meet.
Dudu* posted a quote
September 17, 2022 1:10am UTC
always so passionate when it came to her. always so elusive when it came to responsibility. silver hair and blazing eyes, still you don't know the reason why. you're a special kind of cruel. i learnt it all from you.
Dudu* posted a quote
September 16, 2022 2:13pm UTC
i remember how i felt. sore and out of place. awkward and uncomfortable. it was like a hot beam spotlight moment yet also like i was in the background and didn't matter. i remember how it felt. younger me consoling myself. telling myself it would be over soon. promising myself i would never put myself in a similar situation ever again. biting my lip just hurt me. sweeping things under the rug just made me feel dirty. keeping the peace always left me hurt. keep your promise. prioritise me.
Dudu* posted a quote
September 16, 2022 2:02pm UTC
i'm not sure what i'll do i might regret it but i'm growing old. i can't dread the days i'm supposed to enjoy. time with family is supposed to be something i look forward to i can't keep dreading the days i'm supposed to enjoy.
my anxious black dog i think it will always be like this. this tight, lurking, dreary, unsettling feeling. this all encompassing, yet discrete, gnawing feeling. this thing that is always with me. i think it will just always be like this. *sigh*
"what are you working towards, what's your end goal? saving up for a house or car? marriage or for your family?" it caught me off guard. you asked questions i didn't have the answers to yet. you asked questions that left me feeling stunned and teary eyed when you left. what am i doing this all for. why exactly am i trying so hard. those thoughts took turns taking laps in my head ever since you asked.
"i never knew what game you were playing, but i always had to keep score. sometimes you were sensitive and critical. after the storm, the calm would come. in the form of reassurance and splendid gifts of adoration. a fight meant a cuddle later. my tears falling signposted to remorse and your apologies. there was this pattern with you. bitter then sweet. cold then hot. always keeping me on my toes, until i decided to stop."
sometimes in the face of adversity you crumble. sometimes it takes too much out of you to remain strong. sometimes your environment takes too much of a toll on you. sometimes it's okay to not blame myself for things i can't control. sometimes i can go easy on myself for wasting another day away. sometimes i do just need to eat junk and binge watch dr who to make myself feel better. sometimes a nap in the afternoon is warranted without the excuse of a hectic morning. sometimes tough love isn't enough. sometimes i need to parent myself in a way that i was not parented. take it day by day. that's what i've always done. and it's the only thing that always worked.
fastest land animal honey hit me where it hurts. come on, make me feel like dirt. you think i don't know while i know you do. just say it ain't so and it'll all be good. i've been thinking about it lately. back when your cheeks would flush all rosie. i think i've lost my touch i think i'm going to have to change it up. it's a new passcode, now i don't answer when you call. when exactly are you going to catch on?
i must have said sorry a hundred times. i'm sorry for burdening you this much. you won't have to put up with it much longer. we joke around a lot and you forgave me each time. i don't think i can forgive myself. i don't think i can make it up to you. just no more mistakes. and no more second chances. it really begs the question: who did i think i was? no. really, who?
here we are again. trying to turn this fat to bone. i forget each time the only thing that i lose. if not friends then brain cells. this crass carelessness. this concentrated distraction. this scatter brained sweaty nonsense. i hate it all. why can't i shrivel into bronze brute strength and endless wisdom. why am i a dehydrated version of my worst self. time keeps passing and i fall into the same cracks. this stomach churning. this hopelessness. i've seen it all before. i'm sick of myself but above all else im sick of disappointing you again.
today i'll let you win. i'm far too exhausted. thoughts of you and me have tired me out. tomorrow i'll pick a fight. i'll remind you of who i am. tomorrow for sure i'll make it even. i'll be extra immature, i won't use any reason. since i'm so embarassingly smitten, i must poke the bear. i'll remind you of who i am. i'm the one who rules your heart.
back to square one again. you know i'll fall for anything. i'm getting a little dizzy, do you feel this too? we've been here before it feels like deja vu. your board, your rules, my emotional roller coaster, my grand chest master. my gut tells me one thing, just tell me it's not true. you know i've already fallen for you. now walking me back to the starting line, can't we play this game another time? with a glance i feel you put the blinders on. it's dangerous, this hold that you've got on me. it's strange, i don't want you to ever leave.
no matter how unprepared it's the hurt people that hurt people. we're all learning and there's always someone else to fill the gaps. it's okay to be scared, emotional and ask questions. it's not okay to be crass, cruel and mannerless. two ears to hear and one mouth to speak when necessary. a mind to think and consider the words you're hearing. it's the hurt people that hurt people and it's even more so those that can't listen to the words they don't want to hear. i would be embarrassed if i was that harsh. i thank God for my demeanor.
then you'll have the nerve to ask me why i'm feeling this way. your heart might beat another ten million times before i get the chance to say, it's because i needed you. i've always needed you more than you needed me. but you were only there when you had no where else to be. at times you tried to make it better, but it was always like that. you did so well when it didn't matter. now i'm the sensitive one wiping tears hurriedly before you enter the room. now i'm the difficult one who left too early when everything was good.
Yeah, just close the door on us. Like that will help. Yeah, just put them in separate rooms. Like that will help. Keep driving wedges between everyone and wonder why no one gets along. Keep treating me like a dirty secret one moment then your prized possession the moment after. We'll see if that helps.
It helps to remember that you have felt similar feelings before. Each time you made it out alive- regardless of how unprepared or stupid you may have felt. You don't get to enjoy every single moment of your life. There is dread, anxiety and regret. That is life. As much as it is good, it is bad. Just overcome. Like you've always done.