just know that i tried my best. you think i'm heartless and cruel but all these things you say i learnt them all from both of you. i was never the favourite kid. i must have kept a strong streak in second place. how could you both make me feel so great yet insignificant? just know that for the longest time i was living for you. grades, friendships, barbeques...somehow everything was to make you proud. i was hanging onto every compliment, why is it that i could keep count? when i drew the line. no, when you both forced me to build this wall, it was also for you. how many things did i keep from you? how many nights did i wish that you weren't my parents? how embarassing at my big age i still feel stuck in this place. just know that i was trying my best. i didn't respond but still paid all your bills well before the due date. if i was no longer the quiet kid who did well on their own, then now i was the distant adult who you could still depend on. it's so painfully superficial, my heart can't find rest. you adored the others for merely existing yet scorned at me for failing tests. i'm sorry for my past self who fought so hard. surely i could forgive myself for throwing in the towel. surely they won't notice i've given up on them now.
and you say that all the time. i should be grateful. rushing to help you before you even call. i'll miss you when you're gone you say that all the time. well my eyes sting and my throat feels like it's on fire. my chest is tight and my narrow shoulders are heavy. despite your grand promises; i'm still so lonely. perhaps i'll miss it. i'll probably miss it. but it'll be in some deluded, distant way. the way that traumatic memories are buried in the mind and only the bearable ones linger. with time i'm sure even those sad nights will glimmer. so you're right. i'm going to miss this. some day, some how even this pain will glow.
i'm sorry my brain has turned to mush, i promise it wasn't always this way. my cheeks are red, my brain must have overheated. i can't even rhyme anymore. you can hold my hand and heart whenever you want. i think i like you a lot. i want to keep seeing the light in your eyes and pretending to hear the words that you speak. i'm constantly distracted by your smile. i'll nod along until you catch on.
toxic. cause if i press this button and re-open this wound, maybe then it'll get to you. but if i say it hurts and you say it again a little louder, how can we expect a different next chapter? we're both at it again, as certain as sunrise and set. sometimes you're cool and i'm too hot. mostly we're just burning red, blowing off steam and becoming who we said we're not. how'd we learn to vent this way? we're childish and immature. even during this argument i want to kiss you just to spite you. but you're getting teary and pouty as you continue to tell me off. we take turns with caving in and tonight i'm the first one 0n my knees. i can never win when you're like this; it makes me feel especially sorry. now eye to eye it's like our demons have left us. we'll apologise, cook dinner and decide what gifts the cash in the swear jar can afford us.
i heard a tune and i hummed along, instinctually i just hummed along. i heard his voice and i sung along. without much thought i sang along. and when i felt this breeze, i put my jacket on. i hugged it on. you see how things have changed? now i simply carry on. i don't try to fight it. i just carry on.
i hate that you can't cover your feelings. you wear disdain like it's something to be proud of. it's also not impressive when one cannot filter their words. it's more respectable when someone can take others into account. consideration is key and spluttering out whatever comes to mind is never pretty. we're all learning. let's be more sympathetic from now on, shall we?
you don't want to face up to the mess you've caused. you just want me to greet you with a smile day in and day out. you want everyone to overlook what a terrible job you've done. the big blatant elephant in the room trumpets at you yet you never bat an eyelash. you do you. stay delusional. i will keep my sanity and limit contact with you from here on out.
cause you told me that story with such a big grin. a stupid look on your face as you told me the most...inappropriate story. was i supposed to laugh? did you want me to be happy for you? i don't know what you were expecting. do you really not know me well enough? it's so nice to hear about others caring for you. it's so nice to hear stories about you being so supportive to others as well. it's so nice to hear about how capable and responsible you are. now i'm just left confused as to why you never showed me the same. congrats. you're so out of touch. it's almost legendary.
father material. he's the kinda guy you dont really want around. funny and endearing from a distance but dangerous up close. the kinda guy who's only good when the ocean is calm. the kinda guy you don't want around in times of trouble. never dependable and always full of excuses. he's the guy with no kind bone in his body. ofcourse he'll know how to play nice but it will always be an act. if no one is watching he will be himself. the sad thing is that he doesn't even know himself well. despite that, he'll claim to know you better than you know yourself; "you never used to be like this, you're acting different". he's the kinda guy who has got gift giving and acts of service as a love lanuage. except he'll expect to only receive and give very little. he's the kinda guy who acts aloof and indifferent. but deep down he's honing in on how to press your buttons. the kinda guy your mum will never be fond of. probably cause he reminds her too much of your father.
dark cat eyes with a dimple smile. my type of humour and kind heart to match. i feel myself fall for your charms more and more with each passing day. perhaps I saw it all along but was taught to think otherwise. is it cringey or is it just about time? i am learning to love myself more as i grow older. i made mistakes, i made progress. i hated this person, now i'm growing to love her. she's been trying her best all along so finally i cut her some slack. this is our first life anyway. how could i expect perfection when the path ahead wasn't even set?
i'm laughing each day and feeling comfortable enough to joke around like i used to when i was more carefree. it's harder and i'm busier than ever but i've never had this much support or been surrounded by this many good people. i will always find the dark side, but i need to give credit where it's due. i am living a good life right now.