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Member Since: 1 Jun 2013 04:40pm

Last Seen: 9 Nov 2023 10:35am

Gender: F

user id: 361860

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This turned into my diary somehow.

i have a black dog. 

I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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  1. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    November 13, 2023 12:43pm UTC
    he's just so cuUuUuUute!

  2. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    November 10, 2023 12:03pm UTC
    now my belly will ache in the name of poor self regulation.
    you won't question it until the 34th hour.
    cause that's all you ever noticed.
    telling you i'm not doing well wasn't enough.
    it always took a hunger strike to earn your attention.
    one day i will be above this all.
    one day i won't yearn for your concern at all.

  3. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    November 10, 2023 11:56am UTC
    i wanna stack my pennies up so high and mighty.
    so no one can dare peer over the wall that surrounds
    me and my castle.
    i wait and wait for the perfect moment.
    the perfect moment where i'm not afraid of the
    tight rope and mask snapping.
    i know ma and pa couldn't save me from this.
    they couldn't before, they wouldn't ever now.
    this burden grows as does my bitterness.
    late at night i wonder who i'd be if i received
    all of their love.
    who would i be if i even just felt seen.
    i want to own my land but i'd have to stack paper
    over the graves of my sanity and dignity to do that.
    i yearn to meet the version of myself who is well rested
    and well adjusted. the version of myself who has
    grown beyond this childish feeling of inadequacy.

  4. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    November 1, 2023 1:33pm UTC
    And yeah, I let you use me
    from the day that we first met
    And I knew that you turned it on
    for everyone you've met
    But I don't regret Falling for you

  5. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    October 28, 2023 9:04am UTC
    "it's too complicated"
    oh so is that how you respond to someone who cares about you?

  6. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    October 24, 2023 2:28pm UTC
    regretting him was like
    wishing you never found out
    that love could be that strong

  7. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    October 16, 2023 10:35am UTC
    i want you to be my good guy.

  8. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    October 6, 2023 9:33am UTC
    i know it was best for me but i hate feeling vulnerable

  9. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    October 6, 2023 9:31am UTC
    i hate this feeling.
    shouldn't it be effortless?
    am i putting all this pressure on you when it's all my anxiety?
    i don't know which one it is.
    i don't feel this way with others.
    I don't think it's on me.
    somewhere along the way i learnt i can't trust you.

  10. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    October 4, 2023 2:29pm UTC
    i'll make it out on top.
    i'm in control of my circumstances.
    i decide how i react and i decide how the day goes.

  11. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    October 1, 2023 5:35am UTC
    it's like i'm underwater and everything is at a stand still.
    i want to change everything about me but can't rip the band aid still.
    relationships dying with time passing but i'm stalling still.
    these crumbs of passion leave me starving still.
    a pleasant future clouded by anxiety still.
    confessions brewing but i'm choking still.
    my black dog wants the reigns still.

  12. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    September 22, 2023 6:31am UTC
    i knew it then for sure, the night after her wedding.
    when you sighed lightly and turned to me.
    you said it so gleefully, so happily.
    my gut wrenched and my ears wanted to bleed.
    "now that we have thrown a big wedding, for the rest of you we don't have to."

  13. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    September 22, 2023 6:10am UTC
    my eerie stadium of hawk eyed critics who should have been my everything.
    it's just always felt like this, always felt so odd.
    i walked on this tight rope with nothing noone to hold.
    i've no back up plan, i had to be successful.
    cause anytime i falter, you both become so bold.
    you flock to me with the most bewildered look in your eyes.
    am i really breaking down, will you both finally see me cry?
    i've always felt like you were vultures who were just waiting to strike.
    it never felt like support, the way you critiqued my life.
    so now i comfort myself with "this was meant to be".
    but i see you treat them all very differently.
    you can be so reassuring when you want to be.
    it's almost all over now, i'm learning to leave.
    but it still hurts me, still makes my eyes sting.
    you were the best parents, but just not to me.

  14. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    September 16, 2023 11:01am UTC
    he's just so handsome and kind.
    so thoughtful and nice.
    i couldn't help it.
    today, after seeing him after a while,
    i've fallen again.

  15. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    September 16, 2023 11:00am UTC
    i'm falling
    in love again

  16. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    September 10, 2023 9:22am UTC
    we'll be so unique.
    no lyrics or novels could resemble us.
    only poems we write would do us justice.

  17. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    August 30, 2023 12:21pm UTC
    it's okay, it's a lesson learnt.

  18. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    August 30, 2023 12:18pm UTC
    i'm too kind.
    i bent myself
    back a little
    too far this time.

  19. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    August 27, 2023 8:11am UTC
    i knew you weren't too good.
    heard it from a few people.
    big promises, ungrateful, got a temper,
    always busy, high expectations,
    almost unreachable, condescending,
    the pay off is never enough.
    still i'm disappointed.

  20. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    August 26, 2023 1:02pm UTC
    it's tantrums, then flowers at the door.
    call me names, then call me yours.
    i'll disappear, you'll never see me again.
    call my bluff, go pull me right in.
    i'm terrified but i want to see this through.
    what would it be like to runaway with you?


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