Dudu* posted a quote
September 17, 2019 12:34am EDT
self talk. been very busy lately, have a class in an hour. 2 tests one after the other. presentations and assignments due soon too. dentist tomorrow, a few hours after the first test. a few hours before another test. busy. busy studying and spending time with family, it's been nice but draining. have holidays coming up soon. still have studying to do but won't need to leave the house for any commitments other than that. i like myself when i'm friendly and working hard. i'm very quiet and awkward sometimes. i dont know if i can fix it at this point. it's never too late. i'm going to be more engaged today. ok. back to studying for now.
what helps me cope is realising all of life doesn't have to be enjoyed. life is also waiting. waiting is a part of life. i don't need to feel like i'm missing out on something just because it hasn't occured to me yet. or i don't need to beat myself up just because i dread things. most times i just can't wait for it to be over. waiting for the good parts. waiting to go home. waiting till i can eat my favourite snack. waiting until a dreadful presentation is over so my heart can finally feel at rest. waiting a while, then waiting some more. it doesn't have to be so depressiong. i think i've accepted it as a part of life. it is okay to not want to be in the right now. it's okay to long for the then, to hang on through waiting it out.
As you look around, you ought to be thinking 'where else on earth...no exactly where on earth am i going to find such a charming soul?' Oh just give it up, hurry, this seat...i've saved it for you. the answer to that question, i'll give it to you; 'no where else will you find such charm' so give it up, hurry, i have something to tell you. you're so special, no this seat, i've especially saved it for you.
Today I'm only looking at you. Today I will make flowers bloom for you. Today I am only taking care of you. Today I am on your side. Today you can lean on me. Today I'll make all your dreams come true. Today I will only give you reasons to be happy. From today.
Even if you’re tired, make sure you eat breakfast and lunch then I’ll make sure to compliment you. I miss you. I like you...a lot. I want to hug you a lot. Love, i guess it’s a bit like love. Or maybe I just really love you. Zion T - Eat
"i will live like this just for today. Just for today I’ll live like this, so what? I can’t do anything. Starting from tomorrow I will do my cleaning. I’ll start working on the things I left behind. I’ll try to live, I’ll try to do that. Though it’s so pathetic, oh simply Only for today, i'll be like this." - 2pm : just for today
supposed to be a rest day, all i think of is d-day. i know i should be resting. rest when i'm dead rings in my head. supposed to be my rest day. keep pushing it away. gradually get more tired, but it's not the type of "Oh i need to stop and have a rest day" type of tired. Just a "you've kept it up this long and could keep going" type of tired. need to take one already but don't let myself. gotta do it already but im not ready. running out of rest days.
i've thought about leaving a lot, but it's just superficial. not my true heart. when i feel a sudden pain, i wish it away. when i was given the option between pulling out my tooth or preserving it, i didn't think twice about coughing up almost half a grand. i say i don't care, that none of it matters...but still i'm safeguarding my life. it won't be over until there's nothing to protect. i don't need to look forward to anything. i just need to preserve what i have.
Why do you have to show that smile? I know what you're thinking. Your greasy laugh. This is your perfect scenario. Keep that smile, I don't mind it. It hurts you more anyway. So prideful. Does your laugh have to change too? Are we shooting this right? If it doesn't go according to plan then we can do this again. You look uneasy. I don't have the upperhand here, so fix your smile. Do this how you've always done it. Like how all my passions are your objects of envy. How my fears are places we need to explore. Did you like me or not? Pick a side, your mask is crooked. It's getting hard for you to keep this up...i think I like this game now. Your stance looks off, everything is fake. You probably rehearsed all month. I almost feel bad...but then i lose, right? Your perfect scenario. I don't know what you were expecting. Just finish your lines. You should at least have the decency to show crocodile tears. You have all the time in the world. If your run out, just ask for more. If it's for you, the world would grant you even that, right?
It's much deeper than everyone getting the same amount of dessert as a kid. It's the support, the afterschool activities, the showing up, the unconditional love. It's the reassurance that no matter what you do, your parents will always be there for you. It's not enough to say you loved us all the same, because i saw it. When i wasn't allowed to do things that they could. When i was unfairly compared. When their achievements were celebrated and mine expected. It's the different standards, where for some reason mine were always higher but no reward. When push came to shove in a heated argument, your instincts told you to protect her. To take her side. I will never fully understand. I think it is too cruel to make me understand. It's less awkward now at least. Our relationship almost died when i saw it all for what it was. I still care but have little respect for you. Love doesn't matter if there's no respect. Caring is unintentional, i'll care for as long as it isn't calculated and deliberate. If i ever let it get to that point i'll be disappointed in myself for resembling you.
You're not special for standing by the one person who is getting pointed at. If you didn't for one moment think that maybe the majority had come to a decision that they were the harmful one, then no you are not special. Staying by their side, waiting for them to hurt you so you can see it for yourself doesn't make you special. You should think for a second...maybe there's a reason they're not getting along with the others. You won't be any better if you ignore the red flags and choose them over everyone else. That's not being forgiving, that's how you lose people. That's how you lost me.
just be with me. even when it hurts, i won't let go. i'll try my best to be better. i won't let you or myself down. i'll embrace the pain. everytime it comes to face me, i'll be better. with you i can do anything. nothing is too unbearable when i know i can lean on you. i'm thankful for a love this strong. i can overcome it all. i won't give in when it stings, because i know it will only get better. when i feel like i can't take it anymore, like i've reached my limit its okay to take a break, but i know i can do better. when it all seems crazy and i want to scream, i can ride the wave and not be hurt by it. if i brace and open myself up to what's coming, then i can take it. you're dependable, i trust you with my all. i feel myself become a better person when i'm with you. i just want to tell you i'm thankful. that i can fully open up to you and that you accept me as i am. even when it's messy and i feel like i could burst, you remind me that everything is temporary. that you will always be there to hold me. i always thought i had strength, but you've shown me on a deeper level what i can do. when it hurts, i will press on. i won't ever let go. it's okay to cry but i have to hang on and keep going. i like that i can always come back to you. guided by you. tell me what to do. everything seems to workout well when i follow your lead. lets keep walking this path. i'm the most comfortable with you. all the built up stress melts away and i feel like i could endure it all again. you're just so nice. i'm so smitten.
Do humans live for a long time? I have to put my trust in something that lasts longer. I can't make you my happiness. There needs to be another thing to hang around for. What if for the rest of my life, the happiest moment of each day is when you come home? It sounds special, but i fear that. What would i do if you didn't come home? What if i outlive you? What would i do then? If comfort is your arms and love is time spent with you...then love and comfort will all end with you. It doesn't have to end dramatically with death. What if you simply find someone new. What if i'm not ready to let go? How would i get you to stay? I'm insecure about a lot of things. You love me a lot, but what if that changes. I like myself for the most part too, i know i would live on for her. Family exist too, i wouldn't allow myself to break down in front of them. Realistically i know i would get through all of it. But i hope i don't have to...despite it being inevitable. If your heart never changes, then in a selfish way i hope you outlive me. I won't have to know what it's like to be without you that way. In a sadistic way, i want to outlive you. The thought of you not being coddled for even for one day makes my heart sad.
Dim that spotlight. Tell me things like, "I can't take my eyes off of you." I'm no one special, just another wide eyed girl, (who's desperately in love with you). Give me a photograph to hang on my wall, Superstar.
side by side, we were standing. you are the shadow of my childhood. dark and behind me. at least i would like to keep you behind me. side by side, unavoidable. i wish you knew and were responsible for what you have done in the past. not just you, but what you represent. when i see you i just remember how it was back then. i don't know what grade i was in. I must have been around 10. we were good friends before, we were all close and so similar. then out of the blue, i wasn't fun to hang around with anymore. i don't know why you made me out to be the weird one. you were the centre of the group, you could have reversed it. i couldn't speak up for myself, i was too taken aback. a group of friends, people who made me look forward to going to saturday school had suddenly decided for me that i would from then on dread saturdays. this is from years ago, i am for the most part over it. the part i'm not over is the awkwardness between us. i'm not okay with being made the strange one. i was left alone and over the years everyone seems to have forgotten the part they played. "why are you so quiet? howcome you never hang out with us? it's been ages since we last saw you." that's the part i'm not over because it's still ongoing. idk if i'll ever get my closure. if they have forgotten then so be it. i can't control what happened. i want to hug my past self. tell her she didn't do anything wrong. friendship is God's test for you in this life. i've realised this now. it's okay. i can't say that it won't continue to hurt you, but if anything it hurts less often.