I don't wanna be nice. I don't want to smile at strangers, I don't want to hold open doors. I don't like being misunderstood but their thoughts don't matter. I don't wanna be nice. Takes too much unnoticed effort.
I don't know what this is. We're not friends but we are. I'm comfortable around you but I'm not. I can tell you anything but not everything. I don't know what this is, I don't know when to draw the line or cross it. Stuck between this uneasiness and restraint. I don't know how to describe it. It's like we're close, both looking in. A glass wall separates us, you wish I would break it. The wall only allows me to look in and see you. But it becomes opaque when you try to glance over at me. I never liked us like this. We need more distractions.
"When I was young, it helped me build my dreams, My small playground that was my everything, The wonderland in my memories that I dreamed of and played in. Now I’m an adult so will you be my dream now? I want to stay by your side and run around and play. will I find that dream that I lost as a child? I’ll find a love that is better than the one in my fantasies You are my playground. The slide that I loved to go on as a child, and the swings that made me fly high in the sky. Your soft eyes and your voice that makes my heart rush. Now I realized that you are my wonderland. Now I’m an adult, so will you be my dream now? I want to stay by your side and run around and play. Spread out your hidden wings, Sprinkle your magic powder on me. We’ll hold hands and fly high You are my playground." - GOT7 (PLAYGROUND)
I don't even know why I like you but I like you. Sitting beside you, no words need to be said. I'm still not sure what it is about you. Fate always brings you near. The more i think about it, the more odd it is. All the coincidences, I'll keep calling them coincidences. We're always brought back together somehow. I hope you view me in a kind way. I hope i can make you laugh and smile sometime again. I don't know what it is. But honest to God i think it's fate. We're not compatible, like at all. But still, there's something.
Just for a second, don't be too awkward. No one else knows, so don't shy away. Look here, just for a second. Your blush gives it away. I wasn't sure until now. That your mind is filled with me, that our thoughts are the same. I'll take care of my feelings if you want me to. I'll walk this path beside you if you want me to. All I see is you. No need to be awkward, just open up your heart to me. It's all up to you. Just look at me and decide. For the you whose days are filled with me, I'll take care of everything. Don't think it through, just do it impulsively. This is all ofcourse for the selfish me.
Emotional state is at 40/60 at the moment. A few months ago it would have been depressingly sad 90% of the time, and 10% laughing at memes. I think basing progress on your past self is the only real way to progress. I'm not at the happy medium, but it's enough for right now. Thank goodness i have enough distractions now. Good distractions are always welcome.
Why should I care about what happens to you? Why should i bear any burden, when you did this to yourself? I can't come along and make things right, that's impossible. You think too highly of me. You think i can do it all, when i can't. I can't make your life suck any less. All i can do is watch out for myself and know my limits. You should have seen this coming far in advance. It's so like you to quietly wait till the last minute and expect me to come through with a solution. Our parents have spoilt you rotten. You're far too dependent. Grow up. There's only so much that i can do for you. I don't need that pressure. Just know your own limits instead of quietly wasting away. I'm not the miracle worker you thought i was. You have to be responsible for your life. It's not that hard.
Dudu* posted a quote
February 22, 2018 10:26am EST
You don't know the full story. You will never know the full story. All you can do is support or overlook. Pass judgement but that's all you know. I don't have to prove anything. I won't excuse myself but I haven't disregarded any of my responsibilities as your friend. Why is it so hard for me to respond to your texts? Why do I hate seeing a new message? Why do I dread hanging out so much? Is it a flaw in my personality? God knows. But you don't. You'll never know the full story because I've never trusted you enough to share it. I don't know if I should feel bad, honestly. I just feel drained half the time. Wish I knew true friendship. I have an idea but that may be too idealistic. Idk.
Dudu* posted a quote
February 22, 2018 10:21am EST
Feeling all the emotions at once. Still, not yet. I can't reach out to you yet. I'm here, I'm still not there yet. Even when you try to close the gap and make it easier for me, I'm not the same. I'm still not there yet. You have this perfect image of me, I almost want to distort it, prove how wrong you are. I feel everything all at once. I know I'll always be trailing behind. You don't mind but I do. It hasn't been fine for a while and still. I don't know how long it'll take. I don't want you to linger around any longer. Your hopes for me don't align with my reality. You should wait, but it could be an eternity. You should, but you shouldn't have to. I'm not fine. You don't have to wait it out. I still feel everything at once. Still, time must have stopped.
Just this year. I'll be stupidly hopeful for one more year. If optimism doesn't kill me, I'll do it for the year. I'll get up again day after day. Find something to laugh about, something to smile to myself over. Just little moments like that. I don't need anything more than that. It just can't be forced anymore. Just this year. I'll repeat it like a mantra for more years to come. I hope I don't need it for more years to come. I hope hoping doesn't devastate me more. But it's all I can do for this year. I'll be naive and bright. Once December comes it'll all be different. A good kind of different.
A lot of new things happening these next few weeks. Nervous and excited. As lame as it sounds, I feel like I'm living again. Months ago, feeling emotions other than "😶" was beyond me. My depression is definitely still there. I just think about dying a lot less, and that's progress to me.
This year, would you step into my life? Just this year. I think I've waited long enough. You owe me nothing but...how about this year? Please this year. I'm willing to hold onto hope for this one year.
I wonder how I'd feel a month from now. Summer is always the hardest time. Can't wait for Autumn. I have more distractions in Autumn. Summer is the time I differenciate between distraction and purpose. I love the vagueness of Autumn. I love being so preoccupied with life that I can't think about minuscule things like happiness.
I'd never take my own life that's beyond me. Just thinking out loud. How does it feel to be the reason I stick around. Smile at me more, make the corners of my lips turn up. Without me knowing I always smile back at you. I sing our songs, I feel happy for that moment in time. Keep me around longer I don't have much else to do. Call whenever you feel like it, I only want to hang out with you. Don't be too pressured, you sense my desperation. I'm not kicking the bucket, I don't give myself that power. Just do what you do. Be the one person who doesn't act like I'm different. Be the one I can talk to.