Dudu* posted a quote
February 18, 2021 11:57am UTC
you are just amazing. i hope you live a great life. i think you're just the best. thank you. You are so kind. i appreciated it a lot. an angel with words of support and advice. God sent you to me that day. I am so beyond thankful. thank you, thank you, thank you. once more, thank you.
Dudu* posted a quote
February 18, 2021 11:53am UTC
and i keep wanting to meet your eyes. everytime i catch your glance, i smile. so you know i don't hate you suddenly. i hope you know the deeper meaning. i hope you see it that way and can respect me more for it. if not, then in your eyes i must be a confusing hot then cold b-word.
Dudu* posted a quote
February 13, 2021 11:29pm UTC
you don't like quiet, not many people do. what was i thinking, i told it all to you. the screen can entertain me, you can keep talking to your friend. don't worry i don't feel left out, just want this class to end. "you're very quiet" "i'm always quiet" this naturally awkward exchange. this is the real me, with no up-beat energy. it's 9 am afterall. you find a new topic; yeah i think my parents are proud of me. i appreciate that thought. they must be proud, i liked hearing that. we'll meet again after 10.
you're fine, you just need some time. the ache in your knees will subside. baby you're fine. your skin will turn to iron and your heart will blush again. some day these bullet-like exchanges won't bring you any pain. when the grey ceiling mumurs a "good morning" to you, and when having ammonia in your lungs has become normal to you: even then, bubby, you're going to be fine. choose to be nice to yourself every day. show up, check on your friends, eat your meals on time and rest when you can. it's sad realising how alone you are. why were you running so hard? who was this all for? smiles and words you wanted so badly: they were never for you. how heavy these burdens are, how endless these tears are. the herniated hip from birth, it certainly was signposting to what was to come. it hurts more deeply the more you think about it. the grieving can pause while you sleep. before bed, without much thought: sleep. no lucid dreaming, just rest. without wanting it to: it hurts, it hurts, it hurt. without wanting to: i have to accept it. i think i will have to do that from now. it's hard, but i will be fine. you always have time, you've always got time. you'll be fine.
introverts. so take me there: to the end of this conversation. it starts in the same way, under the same circumstances. i'm lonely, you're lonely. we don't check in until it's all a little too much. Finally caving in as we burst at the seams. "How are you? i miss you." always precedes the trail of renewed confessions. nothing's changed, we're both still the same. you got a new comforter and i haven't seen those boxers before. still wrapped around your finger. still know you like the back of my hand. when we run out of things to say time begins to flow differently. the world mutes itself so i can hear your breathing. we're just existing in the same space and it's grand. we won't need to hear from eachother for another few weeks. low maintenance, dependable and all for me. you're my favourite human interaction.
Dudu* posted a quote
November 12, 2020 12:25am UTC
You know i'm so bad. "i don't mind, i don't mind. No, baby i don't care." different hearts, even so, you like it bad like me. Question: You had fun right? say no, then how bout now? Question: Wanting more? then say no more, there's no love here. - SUJU D&E : No Love.
what a shame. your house isn't my home, this morning isn't a good one. when i see you...i don't want to see you. nothing i did was ever enough, now this feeling goes both ways. i'm counting down the days till i can leave this place. i'm not satisfied with the way you raised me. it's immature in a way, i'm immature in a way. i blame you and keep blaming you. being the quiet child was good back then, but now i need to entertain you with conversation. everything you liked about me, i hate it now. it makes life so hard for me and i hate it all now. some mornings i wave a white flag, when i miss having parents i can laugh with. other mornings, after i've spent the night crying i can't bring myself to look you. you won't know, cause you don't listen. cause you not being the victim is something you can't fathom.
i just wanted to crawl into a tiny hole pull the covers over my head and rest my eyes for a while. to give my racing mind permission to crash into a cozy dream. a dream where all of this would stop being too much for me. a breeze became a stong blow and the strong blow became a hurricane. rain drops that showered down intermittently now greet me as downpour. learned habits and mirrorred expressions became a wall between me and everyone i loved. i just wanted to put this all down for a while. not put it in someone else's hands or rest it on someone else's shoulders. just put it on the ground, let it gather dust and revisit it when i'm stronger.
that eternal force that's been there all the way. you're never alone, you're loved beyond comprehension. overcoming misunderstandings and soft blocking rumination. you are loved more than you will ever know that certain feeling that creeps up on you after a long day: on the bus ride home, before bed or during a shower, when there's no podcast or music to drown out your inner monologue that's when you decide who you are. that's when you reconnect with your true self. that's when you feel the most stable.
your superpower. simply being with you. as time passes, i feel you pick up my worries and shrink them into tiny managable loads of baggage. sometimes you transform them into little trinkets. You have a way of making them appear as a fun challenge. like gifts in disguise. how pretty your eyes are. you see only the good.
the big-little changes. how two foot steps became four and two heart rhythms became one. the three words that led to this path of light yet complex feelings. the off the record conversations in a safe, secluded place. how this tight chest situation was alleviated with a simple confession. sighing less frequently, my facial expressions matching the feelings within. the rush of warmth to my cheeks, a genuine smile. the flicker in your eyes when you set the angel wings aside. long drives, long walks & long stories told how they're supposed to be. midnight arriving with the influx of love calls and promises. the halo disappears but his words always remain sweet.
it's like i'm making up for lost time. gushing to you about everything i've done or been doing clinging on for another hug or chance at cuddling. all my forbidden fruits were complex feelings. when betrayal and sadness could only be expressed through the careful yet immature words of "i'm upset/angry." but now i'm catching up on lost time. like how your name never lost meaning after saying it a million times: i'll spew out "i love you" a million times over. [let's keep existing between this line of black and white.] this grey is now a glowing silver and this heart has a lot of love to give. after suppressing it all and only living out my dreams while i lie asleep, now i want to keep making up for lost time in this space with you.
and it's been strange. learning about how all these little things i hated or enjoyed had a deeper meaning. the battles my subconsious was dealing with while i just flinched unknowingly. ignorance wasn't bliss. it left me confused and unsure of why i thought the way i thought and why i felt the way i felt. these back stories, this knot i'm unravelling. it's interesting. it's been really difficult, but i understand myself better. i guess you never really stop learning about yourself.