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Status: Uni...ew.

Member Since: 1 Jun 2013 04:40pm

Last Seen: 13 Jul 2018 08:23am

Gender: F

user id: 361860

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This turned into my diary somehow.


I'm still learning new things about myself. I write when I can, I'm sorry for the spam, but not really.

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  1. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    July 12, 2018 8:10am EDT
    tomorrow will either be one ot the best or worst days of my life, eek.

  2. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    July 9, 2018 6:09am EDT
    said i wanted to pass on, now all this pain sets in. can't stay up, can't wake up early. paralysed by it. i wanted to pass on. now i just want this pain to pass on. i'll be stronger when this pain passes on.

  3. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    July 7, 2018 8:12am EDT
    said i wanted to pass on, now all this pain sets in. can't stay up, can't wake up early. paralysed by it. i wanted to pass on. now i just want this pain to pass on. i'll be stronger when this pain passes on.

  4. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 29, 2018 6:10am EDT
    i love you, thank you for being born. you're a real comfort to me these days. all i can be is grateful and keep you in my heart. i get really protective of you, i don't want anyone to have any bad feelings towards you. i'll always be on your side. you really, seriously worked hard. i love you. i feel like we're the same person. you make me both so happy and sad. it's been hard on us here, but i'll wish for you in paradise. until then, i sincerely hope you can rip.
    i miss you so much and i can't express how much it hurts me that you were hurting for so long. i'll be strong for the both of us. i really miss you. ily. we'll meet soon enough. just rest. rest peacefully. you deserve it.

  5. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 27, 2018 7:52am EDT
    Literally just on the home stretch now. 1 more exam to go~

  6. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2018 8:03am EDT
    i'm actually just waiting till after exams so i can let myself get worse. just gotta pass this has been my mantra.

  7. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2018 8:01am EDT
    i hate that i used to think i had no emotions, just because fake things like sad films didn't make me cry i let everyone convince me that i had no feelings. obviously i knew they were existant but somewhere along the way i started telling myself "this isn't you" when i did start to feel sad or sensitive over something. and so my threshold grew a little larger each time. but it all comes out in bursts. on the bus back tears came, i didn't even know why. bottled up feelings are weird like that. i say i don't know the reason, it's becauses there's so many i can't pinpoint one. the main thing that's been getting to me lately is my closest friend's opinion on depression and suicide. we got on the topic somehow and she just brushed it off, saying "i thought it was sad at first but they should just pull through it". She's my closest friend, but she lost a lot of my respect after that. i really value respect. i can hate someone but have respect for them. She noticed i've been distant after that and i suspect that she suspects i have depression...lol. she's been checking up on me a lot and i hate it. i wish she never said any of that it makes me feel like i will never have anyone i can openly talk to about my mental health. i can't even joke about wanting to die anymore without being on her radar. ok rant over. depression isn't something i can get over. its not a trend ffs.

  8. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2018 7:44am EDT
    There was just nothing to look forward to, I couldn't think of anything worse than staying around. I'm at this point now where even if there's nothing particularly special to hang around for, I still have to wake up every morning and press on.

  9. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2018 7:43am EDT
    I'm not sure what i want from you. A friendship? but i'm not even good at that. i would take at least 3 days to reply to your texts...a week for your calls. i don't want anything more than a friendship but i can't even handle that. i don't know what i want exactly. but i don't like how you're so indifferent. I don't know if you have kind feelings towards me or if you just find me annoying. maybe you just don't mind. i made a good first impression...i think. i made you laugh at least. you approached me first the second week and i was the one who stepped away. i regret that. you were more distant after that but lately you've either been mannerful or just not present. you don't have to like me. we don't have to be friends. for whatever reason, i just don't want you to not like me.

  10. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 20, 2018 8:21pm EDT
    i'm afraid this sadness is contagious. i kept it to myself. why are you mad i kept it to myself? it's contagious. i couldn't help myself but i had to protect you.

  11. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 20, 2018 8:19pm EDT
    let's go for a walk just because. i feel like smiling just because. i want to wake up tomorrow...just because. it's not as bad anymore. i don't sigh when i breathe anymore. i eat to live now. don't have your guard up, there's no particular reason. just because. just because i've met you.

  12. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 20, 2018 8:15pm EDT
    it's strange. i thought about it. if my depression was gone what would i do? if i woke one morning and the dark veil had been lifted...how different would i be? at this point i'm certain it's ingrained in my personality. when i was younger, i just thought i wasn't as excitable as others. in my early teens i was hopeful, but didn't know what there was to look forward to. now i just take it a day at a time. the world isn't necessarily monotone. there's a hint of short lived, muted colours. flashes of highligher yellows when i'm in a weird mood. it's strange that i consider my happy moments weird. i think that's telling.

  13. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 16, 2018 7:00am EDT
    this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. if i can overcome this i will love myself. maybe that's too much. i will at least have a newfound respect for myself. okay that's not true either. i respect myself already. hmm, i guess if i can overcome this, i will stop undermining myself a little less. if i can do this, then i may be able to do anything i set my mind to. if i can do this, then there's not much i can't do. but this is a double edged sword. if i can't do this. if i fail. i will hate myself. on a different scale. i'm afraid i'll hit a new rock bottom. i'll work hard for now. that's all i can do. in a month it will all be better or worse. but all i have is now.

  14. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 13, 2018 5:24am EDT
    you're the only thing that makes me happy. how sad is that?

  15. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 13, 2018 5:21am EDT
    And i get it now. when i would see nurses outside of the hospital smoking i didn't get it then. "Don't they know how bad smoking is?" They know. They just don't care. I understand now because i don't care much either. i won't smoke, but we all pick our poison. i was so naive.

  16. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    May 30, 2018 6:43am EDT
    I'm far from perfect. I know. I think I know that best.

  17. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    May 5, 2018 1:25am EDT
    It's not my parent's fault but i always felt like i grew up too fast. I don't really have a childhood that is nice to look back at. Nothing particularly sad happened. I had good times i'm sure, but if i were to pick a certain time i wouldn't be able to. For the most part, i think it came down to the fact that I never had time to be selfish.
    By the time i was two there was already a new baby on the way. I wasn't a forgotten child or anything. To this day i still feel very loved by my family. But i don't know how else to put it. I never got the chance to be selfish over anything. I never questioned sharing, and if something was taken away and no longer mine, i always had to make myself feel okay about it. i never felt the stong need to defend myself in any argument. I didn't place any importance on what anyone else thought was right. Even if i felt wronged, i was never resilient. Even if i was being bullied, i always thought "oh, the bully must have it worse since they feel the need to take it out on me." I think that's a mature thought process that I wish i never had when i was so young.
    I wish i wasn't as compassionate or empathetic. I would have made wholesome friends much earlier on, stood up to the bullies and had a happy childhood to look back at. My emotional intelligence grew much earlier on than i would have liked it to. I don't know. Obviously it's shaped me into who i am today...but i'm still not too sure how i feel about that yet.

  18. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    April 15, 2018 5:53am EDT
    I'm taking the right steps to get there. If i'm not then i don't know what more i can do. It's not a hard road to walk, but others have the luxury of driving. Eitherway, it's the same journey. I have to look at the bright side. Even when it's hard to.

  19. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    April 15, 2018 5:50am EDT
    It probably exists but not in the way i want it. My wish would likley come into fruitation but with limitations. I can already see it now. What i've been longing for, it'll fall into place. But it won't be exactly as i wanted. Not nearly as good enough. And when the time comes, i'm not sure how i'll react. Will i give in...or will i hang onto the hope that there's better out there? i'm not sure. Maybe i'm being selfish. Maybe i'm asking for too much. Eitherway, I'll worry about it when that time comes i guess.

  20. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    March 30, 2018 3:07am EDT
    still feel numb, the difference now is that i have comitments. even if i don't care about myself, i can't let others down. and there might come a time when i do start to care. i don't wanna sabotage future me. can't let her down.

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