I feel like my friends know that something is off but they're just too afraid to bring it up. I know they care, but to some degree they probably think I'm just being rude. That I'm not replying to texts because I don't like them anymore. That I can't be happy for them when I try to anymore. And it's not that I don't like them anymore. It's just hard to get happy over things sometimes. It's lame but kpop is the only thing I get excited over. One group in particular. I thank God I have something to be happy about and look forward to. But yeah. Other than that, it's weird. It's been like this for ages, it shouldn't feel weird anymore.
I've just come to accept that I am a person who experiences sadness for a prolonged period of time. I am depressed. I have come to accept that it is okay to feel this way, even when I feel like I shouldn't. Like I have no reason to feel this bad. I should stop overthinking it. I should speak to more people about it. I should try to get my life back and not let it drive me further away into isolation. I should do all those things. But it's weird. I don't want to.
Dudu* posted a quote
December 28, 2017 11:37am EST
First you worry about not being able to feel anything. Live your life feeling numb. Like you're not normal, like you're missing out on something. Emotions caged up. You can control your facial expressions. No one would know you're sad. Because you'd trained yourself, you'd gotten so good at keeping what you wanted to hide, hidden. But somehow, almost all at once. You can't control it. When you're sad, your jaw feels heavy. Your eyes tear up when you don't want them too. You can manage a blank face, sometimes a forced smile. But your eyes give it away somehow. You can be smiling wide, but they'd know something is off. They'd try comforting you, but their comfort hurts. It always feels like manipulation. You just want to be alone. You don't need to hide your turbulent feelings when you're all alone. But then you get lonely. When you're lonely it sucks. Because then you can cry. Sob even, that's what showers and pillows are for after all.
I've never had a deep conversations friend. I've never had they know my everything friend. I've never had the they understand me friend. I've never ever felt fully included. I've had close friends, but I always knew there was this imaginary line that I couldn't cross. That there was always a part of me that they wouldn't be accepting of. When I was younger I had so many friendship groups. I had a group at school, and another friend group at Saturday school. The Saturday school was filled with kids from my ethnic community. It was great. Randomly one day, this girl told me that my Saturday friend group didn't like me anymore. That they didn't want to be my friend anymore. I regret not asking why because till this day I see them round, and at the back of my mind I wonder why they decided I wasn't good enough to be their friend. I really distanced myself after that. I was really friendly and outspoken when I was younger. Looking back that was a sad turning point for me. I became a lot more self conscious. A lot more introverted and internalised everything. Nowadays they probably have forgotten about that incident and think I'm just unapproachable and stuck up. It just sucks sometimes. I feel like I'm missing out in the full community experience since I don't have any of them as my friends. Our relationship has gotten way too awkward now. My friend group at my school was in shambles around the same time. My best friend moved states and so I made new friends. With a bully. She bullied me about everything. My weight, being the main thing. What sucks looking back, is that I believed that I was fat. I was tiny! But I stuck with her because I felt like I had no other friends up until the end of middle school. When I quit being friends with her she threatened to self harm. I ignored her. That's the most selfish thing I've ever done. She sought help, but I never turned back. We still have this awkward friendship going. After her I made new friends. The friend group I have now. They're okay. Very superficial. I never talk about my feelings, just school related stress is as deep as the conversation goes. I never talk about my family situation. My depression. My life goals. It kinda sucks. I always hope I'll come across a new friend, one I can open up to. Sometimes I wonder if it's just a flaw in my personality. Maybe I'm not meant to have friends. But I'd like to believe that there's someone out there for me. If not only a friendship, maybe even a romantic relationship too. Yeah, a soulmate. That'd be nice.
I love you but sometimes you're too much. Sometimes I feel smothered and I just don't want to see or talk to you. Sometimes I just need a break. It's not always your fault, but it's not always mine either.
Stick to me like glue, I don't wanna move. The sun could rise and set, but just keep me next to you. Don't think that it's weird, I just want to be with you. Don't think that it's weird, I've come to like you.
I sincerely hope all your dreams come true. I'm kind of a fan of you. Of whatever you do. I hope you're happy for the most part. I wish I could have a bigger part in your life, but I'm happy with where I am. I'm proud of you.
No one's saying anything to me anymore. I know you've heard but you know how I am. You really thought I did this so often, I told you I just felt comfortable so soon with you. I was so open and transparent, I couldn't hide my true intentions, you fell hard but I fell harder. Because no one's saying anything to me anymore. They're just talking amongst themselves. I can hear it all. I wanted to hug you but I felt like I couldn't. Please say something, come back to me. You smiled but you were still unapproachable. So many eyes watching I asked how you were, you stared blankly at me. I'm right here, I'm hurting right here. I really wanted to hug you, hold your hand, anything. No one's the same with me anymore. I hurt more. I look for you, I seek my comfort in you. You opened your arms. Your warm smile was back, I wanted to crash into you with a hug. But everyone's watching, too many eyes watching. You know how I really am. Behind closed doors we can go back to the way we were. But out here, please don't do this to me.
Love me even on the days I hate myself. Love me even when the decisions I make are dumb. Choose to love me when I sabotage myself. Please stay when I tell you to leave. Please don't hate me, when I say I want you to. I say I don't ask for much, but in reality I do. Please stick by me even when I'm being stubborn. I love you and you know that won't change. I hope you'll love me even on those days.
Truthfully I didn't need to go that way. Honestly I, had another motive that day. Truthfully I. Honestly I, just wanted to see you. No other reason, I genuinely just wanted to see you. Truthfully I try my best not to avoid you sometimes, other days I hope I don't run into you. Honestly you don't know the effect you have on me. Truthfully, I'm glad.
The days are long and the night is too short. Working all day then dreaming next to you. Weekends are even shorter than the nights with you. After a long day, you are my hot bath. You are my cosy bed. You are my comfort. After a long day, do you know how nice it is to be with you? I hope it feels like this for you too. The drive home, holding hands, being cringier than cringe, I love moments like that. After a long day. After worrying, working and stressing some more. Waiting in line, sitting behind a desk. Waiting some more, working some more. It all ends with you. Thank you.
And I, I like him. We're often hot and cold, but I like him. When it matters, he is there. I think I like him. He is kind, he has kind eyes. He doesn't smile easily, but he still finds me funny. I didn't even have to try, a few words. A few words of raw honesty, that's all it took to have him flash his beautiful smile. I really like him. I think I'm really smitten. His small smile, his laugh. It's so cringey to admit.
Lately I've just lost all my motivation to actively study. I'm only doing the bare minimum which I know is nowhere near enough. I need to get my act together but I'm just so exhausted. I know things will work themselves out and I will eventually get to where I need to be. Just right now I'm sad and stressed. Right now I hate it. I'll be better soon. But the right now. It sucks.