"You said it in a playful way. You were being serious. i knew but i played along. both on self-sabotage mode. i knew, i just didn't care. if you're going to ruin me, just do it. we're not coming back to our senses anytime soon. like we've always done, we'll bury this one too. another dirty secret to bring us closer. your past and mine too. they're similar. our futures...we will worry about that some other time. right now it's fight or flight. survival mode. we don't know any of that. your my unhealthy coping mechanism. we're both so serious, it's funny. you keep creeping into my thoughts. i feel myself become more like you. even your breathing is timed with my heart beat. started from your fingertips now this blue stain has made its way all over. if you're going to ruin everything, start and end with me. if i meet your eyes and don't break, it's over."
I crumbled her into a ball and threw her out in the trash. when I see her now I don't feel anything for her. she is pitiful, but she doesn't even deserve my pity. in my eyes she's just a run down, sick dog. never loyal, always barked at the sound of the wind. didn't learn new tricks, just stuck to the same old ones. years of patience, yet barely even toilet trained. we all learnt the games she could play. now sick of throwing the same ball for her to pick up and bring back again. this is stagnant, it is draining. i stopped thinking of her as an equal. i can't respect someone who can flip their switch and not care about anyone but themselves. stupid, waste of time. would have thrown her out earlier if i knew it would become like this.
grateful people are happy people. i've heard this all my life. i am grateful. even for silly things. when i forget to take my supplements and i get a heart palpitation later on in the day. i'm grateful for even this reminder. it's not just me and my head. there's a heart working hard for us too. i'm thankful. i'm so beyond thankful and yet still.
Ma, you set the standard too low. Now whenever he smiles at me i'm at his feet. i had to slowly set standards for myself. i became harder on others. he's nicer to me than you ever were. it's strange. I only got to learn this through him. Pa, he wasn't being overly nice. He was just being himself, but i applauded his every move. He's teaching me to have higher standards for myself and the people around me. I can be picky with him. He doesn't get mad like you both did. He actually listens and tries to do better by me. Isn't that crazy? I don't always have to be the one bending backwards. Sometimes i'm not wrong. But that's not how it was before. These past thoughts trickle in sometimes and i need to catch myself. The bar was so low. I didn't know i was raised to appreciate things that were below the bare minimum. it's almost like i deserve the same love i give. who would have thought.
there's this thin glass box. it let's every bad thing in and keeps it trapped inside. everything good bounces off and is reflected elsewhere. outside this glass box the world is so beautiful. it's full of every love imaginable. there's security, trust and even happiness. this glass box is so thin. it's so fragile. i keep trying to break out of it. i want to enjoy this world too. how did i get trapped inside? i ruminate over this thought until i reach an answer. it let's every bad thing in.
Hello, hello, hello, I want to be together Just the two of us until morning comes. Hello, hello, hello, I want to love, You and me, just the two of us. without thinking, I think about you. - Without thinking : 2PM
you would be so surprised. i would get to you in time. before the moonlight fades and the new sun rises. before you can even take the first breath, i'd appear. you would be so surprised. looking for your secret place. if i took this turn and peer through this window, can i still see it? your cheeks, ears, nose, mouth. before this evening ends, i would see the look in your eyes. you would be so surprised.
if i could see myself through your eyes, would i like myself more? would i be pretty? do i have kind eyes? in my eyes you're the most handsome. kind eyes and warm smile. am i a bit like that too? i don't know myself. i need you to tell me who i am. shape me into what you want me to be. i don't like me right now. i didn't like past me either. Paint me in such a way that even i like me. so we don't get sick of me.
when you get sick of me-- no i have to get sick of you first. odd upper under hand ideology. why can't we be equals? why am i competitive in even love? it's just the two of us but i don't know anything else. i have to love you harder, get sick of you quicker. i get sick of people. is it normal? i'm already worried about you getting sick of me. it's stupid. it's not cute. when i'm sick of someone i stop caring. i stop making time, i stop playing nice. playing nice. even in my stream of consciousness this comes out. it's all acting, playing. my true feelings are coming out. i love you but even now i worry about who will fall out of love first. burdened and anxious over useless concerns. i'll cross that bridge when i get to it, i can't just burn it now. that's all i know. upper hand, under hand. insecure mess who needs you to feel important. if you don't like me anymore then i don't like me. it's dangerous.
living the life of someone who's living for someone else. in an ever so slightly desperate way, you're all i hang around for. net under the tight rope. when i get off work and get in your car, do you know how i feel? it's like a thick layer of stress is immediatley stripped away. do you know how beautiful your smile is? i feel so reassured when you smile at me. i tell you all the time. if you smile at me while we're arguing, it's game over for me. i'm so hopelessly smitten. you know how i'm like. i'm not excitable at all. intimidating and unapproachable. the dark cloud that looms above me turns into cotton candy. i'm the giddy puppy love type when you're around. complete 180. wrapped around your fingers. not letting go anytime soon. tell me more about how your day went. i'm all ears, eyes and heart. so smitten, you must have cursed me or something. it's the only possible explaination.
i'll paint it for you in a decorated way. when i step outside this door, i become the other. don't ask for directions, i must not be from here. i smile when new eyes meet mine. gotta be friendly, but not too approachable. pump up the music in my earphones. just ignore them, i'm perfectly fine. is it hayfever or am i sad somewhere deep inside. doesn't matter, i have a busy day today. i distract myself with thoughts of you. i won't be other when i'm back with you. wind in my eyes, i blink it away. preoccupied with how i look on the outside. sometimes i think about what it would be like to have a shrink dissect my story. i know why i'm like this. but knowing doesn't make it easier to live with. i just look forward for the day to end. i've always been like this. everything but you is difficult. the rare times we fight, i feel like my world is ending. i'm independent in all aspects of my life, but i really like you. when you're unhappy with me, i hate myself. if you scowl, i want the world to swallow me up there and then. i should sort through this with someone. it must not be healthy. i'm so insecure when it comes to this. you dictate how i feel. it's not like you're bad, you're simply human too. i can't expect you to make me happy all the time.
time is still flowing. as relentless as ever. we're both still here. i don't know where else to go so i always come back to you. time and time again. there's a bed there for me to sleep. a cutlery set and mug just for me too. you've slowly carved room in your life for me. when i tap on the front door ever so lightly, it caved in. i have a spare key now. it's interesting. over time i've gained a second home. i still feel some type of way about it all. like an imposter who's crossing some sort of boundry. sometimes it's home. sometime's it's outside of my comfort zone. same way with you. please smile at me more. i like compliments. i hate attention, but i like having yours. it's weird to me also. saying please. it's odd. like you have the upper hand. i have an inferiority complex. i'm working on it. sigh.
don't do it, it feels good in the moment. but the moments before and after aren't worth it. it's what's gotten you to this point. it's keeping you at this point. stop self sabotaging. don't give up on yourself.
how to be a friend. how to be a good friend. i think i know. keep secrets. share presents. be there for them. support them. reply to texts. texting them whenever. feeling comfortable with them enough to tell them whatever. then when you get to see them, don't dread it. enjoy being with them. i've subconsiously listen this in order of what i can do, to what i struggle with the most. keeping secrets is easy. buying presents, easy. enjoying the friendship? if i have kept it this long, then i must enjoy it surely. surely it's not because i haven't known better. surely.
Dudu* posted a quote
February 29, 2020 12:18am UTC
it's always been about you. it will always be about you. what you want, if you're hurting or not. how this benefits you. what i have ever done for you. how we need to accomodate you. this diagnosis is to show you what you have. we've always known you had something. now you can get better. it's not for you to use as an excuse. it's for you to stop denying and start changing.
Dudu* posted a quote
February 29, 2020 12:14am UTC
i knew it. none of this was ever normal. fighting everyday over little things was never normal. the family walking around on eggshells whenever you were home was never normal. mum had to wrap around in a pretty bow all the words she gave you. she told it to me straight. it was never normal. lying for you, covering up your flaws. that's just how you were. you we're just a difficult person to be around. so fickle, so turbulent. you laid your childish landmines around the house. we'd step on them and you'd explode. each time more aggressive. we always knew it wasn't normal. you dismissed us as being jealous. in your borderline mind you painted us as the wrong ones. it was never normal.