just be with me. even when it hurts, i won't let go. i'll try my best to be better. i won't let you or myself down. i'll embrace the pain. everytime it comes to face me, i'll be better. with you i can do anything. nothing is too unbearable when i know i can lean on you. i'm thankful for a love this strong. i can overcome it all. i won't give in when it stings, because i know it will only get better. when i feel like i can't take it anymore, like i've reached my limit its okay to take a break, but i know i can do better. when it all seems crazy and i want to scream, i can ride the wave and not be hurt by it. if i brace and open myself up to what's coming, then i can take it. you're dependable, i trust you with my all. i feel myself become a better person when i'm with you. i just want to tell you i'm thankful. that i can fully open up to you and that you accept me as i am. even when it's messy and i feel like i could burst, you remind me that everything is temporary. that you will always be there to hold me. i always thought i had strength, but you've shown me on a deeper level what i can do. when it hurts, i will press on. i won't ever let go. it's okay to cry but i have to hang on and keep going. i like that i can always come back to you. guided by you. tell me what to do. everything seems to workout well when i follow your lead. lets keep walking this path. i'm the most comfortable with you. all the built up stress melts away and i feel like i could endure it all again. you're just so nice. i'm so smitten.
Do humans live for a long time? I have to put my trust in something that lasts longer. I can't make you my happiness. There needs to be another thing to hang around for. What if for the rest of my life, the happiest moment of each day is when you come home? It sounds special, but i fear that. What would i do if you didn't come home? What if i outlive you? What would i do then? If comfort is your arms and love is time spent with you...then love and comfort will all end with you. It doesn't have to end dramatically with death. What if you simply find someone new. What if i'm not ready to let go? How would i get you to stay? I'm insecure about a lot of things. You love me a lot, but what if that changes. I like myself for the most part too, i know i would live on for her. Family exist too, i wouldn't allow myself to break down in front of them. Realistically i know i would get through all of it. But i hope i don't have to...despite it being inevitable. If your heart never changes, then in a selfish way i hope you outlive me. I won't have to know what it's like to be without you that way. In a sadistic way, i want to outlive you. The thought of you not being coddled for even for one day makes my heart sad.
Dim that spotlight. Tell me things like, "I can't take my eyes off of you." I'm no one special, just another wide eyed girl, (who's desperately in love with you). Give me a photograph to hang on my wall, Superstar.
side by side, we were standing. you are the shadow of my childhood. dark and behind me. at least i would like to keep you behind me. side by side, unavoidable. i wish you knew and were responsible for what you have done in the past. not just you, but what you represent. when i see you i just remember how it was back then. i don't know what grade i was in. I must have been around 10. we were good friends before, we were all close and so similar. then out of the blue, i wasn't fun to hang around with anymore. i don't know why you made me out to be the weird one. you were the centre of the group, you could have reversed it. i couldn't speak up for myself, i was too taken aback. a group of friends, people who made me look forward to going to saturday school had suddenly decided for me that i would from then on dread saturdays. this is from years ago, i am for the most part over it. the part i'm not over is the awkwardness between us. i'm not okay with being made the strange one. i was left alone and over the years everyone seems to have forgotten the part they played. "why are you so quiet? howcome you never hang out with us? it's been ages since we last saw you." that's the part i'm not over because it's still ongoing. idk if i'll ever get my closure. if they have forgotten then so be it. i can't control what happened. i want to hug my past self. tell her she didn't do anything wrong. friendship is God's test for you in this life. i've realised this now. it's okay. i can't say that it won't continue to hurt you, but if anything it hurts less often.
i knew it would be hard. it has always been hard. i knew it would take long. i knew it would be like this. i almost regret having any optimism. false hopes. overqualified. underqualified. somewhere in between. overall not good enough. not what we're looking for. goodluck next time. we'll keep it on record, just in case. but at the end of the day it still comes back to not what we're looking for. overqualified. underqualified. "thank you"s in between. a bunch of "not successfuls" and "but"s. am i at the stage where it's still too early to give in? because i really want to. i'm qualified for more rejections and ego blows. unqualified for any good that could come beyond that. good intentions don't mean anything. sounds good or awful on paper. in person can't pull it off. masked in disadvantage. obstacles galore. i will overcome this all one day. i know. but it's always the right now that is hard. and one day is not my life. my life is right now and right now is hard.
i can't continue being so close to someone who makes me feel bad for no reason. who takes everything as an attack. i can only recall one scenario where i have benefitted. the majority is way too one sided. i hope when i'm on my own i can keep it together. i hope being apart will make us a lot healthier.
The anxious to even simply meet with friends pep talk; Maximum 2 hours. it'll be over in 2 hours. You'll have good food and be surrounded by the friends you are most comfortable with. Catch up and eat, nice warm rice and meats. I know we're a high strung type, always stressed out and anxious. But it's okay. I'm going to make myself a warm coffee now, get what i need to get done finished and have a fun night out with my friends. no need to be anxious. It will all work itself out in the best way possible.
I'll be happy over the simplest things. The sun shining, nice weather. My cat following me out into the backyard, patting him and hearing him purr. Endorphins from a workout. Slow and uncertain progress. A filling meal. A manageable workload. A tolerable environment. Ending the day in bed. Watching my favourite broadcast and bursting into fits of laughter. A long sleep, soft pillows, warm blankets. A roof over my head. I'll be happy over the things that matter. Simple yet crucial. I'll decide to be happy.
you deserve to be loved. incase no one has ever told you before. you deserve a hug with someone who cares about you as much as you care for them. you deserve to be someone's number one. you deserve comfort with a circle of people who genuinely cherish you. you deserve so many good things because you are good. as much as the world is filled with bad it is filled with good.
I dread texting you back and meeting up. What sort of friendship is this? I comfort myself with the thought that it'll be over in five years. If I won't worry about it in five years, I don't need to worry about it now. There, I'll let out the sigh I didn't realise I was holding. In the same way I'll let go of your hand. There, it'll be that simple.
You should've kept quiet. You should've held back and listened to both side-- No, you should've been on my side. Now I don't expect much from you. Whenever you smile at me I feel some type of way. It's a bad feeling. Some things should just be granted. I thought your love for me was unconditional, but I guess you were just on my side when it was easier for you to be. I don't know how I feel about you anymore. I used to admire you, now I wish you wouldn't speak my name. Funny how one afternoon could have led to this. You should've just kept quiet, I would still have respect for you that way. You should've apologised. There's nothing I hate more than people who can't control their words when they're angry. It's very telling.
It always comes out of nowhere. am i really the type to be touched so easily? it wasn't much. i know that far. we met at our bus stop, but i seem to have already taken a liking to you. why am i like this...i guess i just like having crushes. after 2 years in the same course, you introduced yourself for the first time after an exam. i normally don't like small talk, but it came easily to me then. you complimented me, looked up my bus route for me, and assured me that i'll do fine. our meeting came out of nowhere, but it was a welcome surprise. I was supposed to see you the same time a few days after, i was worried you would leave first. But there you were, but i don't know what it was. I was just too afraid to approach first. You looked busy on your phone, and i didn't want to interrupt. i also didn't want you getting the wrong idea and there were too many people around. yeah, i came up with a million excuses to not walk over and say hi. It's frustrating for me too, but i'm always like this. i just hope my first impression sticks and you don't think i'm cold.
The sun will still smile down on me if I cry. The world won't end just because I want it to either. I can't hold onto the hands of time and ask them to stop for a moment or an eternity. Life is just happening to me. My parents just decided and i was poofed into existence. A soul was breathed into me and it's still here. Breathing even if i don't want it to. The sun will still set whether i want it to or not. A new day will roll around whether i'm prepared for it or not. Right now life is just happening to me. No other way to describe it. Life isn't hurting or exciting me. It's just happening. Like i'm just watching a movie, nothing too problematic or uneventful. It's just on because someone decided to turn it on. But i'm the one who has to watch it for its entirety incase something happens. idek.
it can get better or worse, it can go my way or it wont. all i can do is work hard or waste time. worry or work hard. stress or work hard. at the end of the day, the only reasonable option is to work hard. even if i cant find the energy. long run over current feelings. head over heart.