i knew it would be hard. it has always been hard. i knew it would take long. i knew it would be like this. i almost regret having any optimism. false hopes. overqualified. underqualified. somewhere in between. overall not good enough. not what we're looking for. goodluck next time. we'll keep it on record, just in case. but at the end of the day it still comes back to not what we're looking for. overqualified. underqualified. "thank you"s in between. a bunch of "not successfuls" and "but"s. am i at the stage where it's still too early to give in? because i really want to. i'm qualified for more rejections and ego blows. unqualified for any good that could come beyond that. good intentions don't mean anything. sounds good or awful on paper. in person can't pull it off. masked in disadvantage. obstacles galore. i will overcome this all one day. i know. but it's always the right now that is hard. and one day is not my life. my life is right now and right now is hard.
i can't continue being so close to someone who makes me feel bad for no reason. who takes everything as an attack. i can only recall one scenario where i have benefitted. the majority is way too one sided. i hope when i'm on my own i can keep it together. i hope being apart will make us a lot healthier.
The anxious to even simply meet with friends pep talk; Maximum 2 hours. it'll be over in 2 hours. You'll have good food and be surrounded by the friends you are most comfortable with. Catch up and eat, nice warm rice and meats. I know we're a high strung type, always stressed out and anxious. But it's okay. I'm going to make myself a warm coffee now, get what i need to get done finished and have a fun night out with my friends. no need to be anxious. It will all work itself out in the best way possible.
I'll be happy over the simplest things. The sun shining, nice weather. My cat following me out into the backyard, patting him and hearing him purr. Endorphins from a workout. Slow and uncertain progress. A filling meal. A manageable workload. A tolerable environment. Ending the day in bed. Watching my favourite broadcast and bursting into fits of laughter. A long sleep, soft pillows, warm blankets. A roof over my head. I'll be happy over the things that matter. Simple yet crucial. I'll decide to be happy.
you deserve to be loved. incase no one has ever told you before. you deserve a hug with someone who cares about you as much as you care for them. you deserve to be someone's number one. you deserve comfort with a circle of people who genuinely cherish you. you deserve so many good things because you are good. as much as the world is filled with bad it is filled with good.
I dread texting you back and meeting up. What sort of friendship is this? I comfort myself with the thought that it'll be over in five years. If I won't worry about it in five years, I don't need to worry about it now. There, I'll let out the sigh I didn't realise I was holding. In the same way I'll let go of your hand. There, it'll be that simple.
You should've kept quiet. You should've held back and listened to both side-- No, you should've been on my side. Now I don't expect much from you. Whenever you smile at me I feel some type of way. It's a bad feeling. Some things should just be granted. I thought your love for me was unconditional, but I guess you were just on my side when it was easier for you to be. I don't know how I feel about you anymore. I used to admire you, now I wish you wouldn't speak my name. Funny how one afternoon could have led to this. You should've just kept quiet, I would still have respect for you that way. You should've apologised. There's nothing I hate more than people who can't control their words when they're angry. It's very telling.
It always comes out of nowhere. am i really the type to be touched so easily? it wasn't much. i know that far. we met at our bus stop, but i seem to have already taken a liking to you. why am i like this...i guess i just like having crushes. after 2 years in the same course, you introduced yourself for the first time after an exam. i normally don't like small talk, but it came easily to me then. you complimented me, looked up my bus route for me, and assured me that i'll do fine. our meeting came out of nowhere, but it was a welcome surprise. I was supposed to see you the same time a few days after, i was worried you would leave first. But there you were, but i don't know what it was. I was just too afraid to approach first. You looked busy on your phone, and i didn't want to interrupt. i also didn't want you getting the wrong idea and there were too many people around. yeah, i came up with a million excuses to not walk over and say hi. It's frustrating for me too, but i'm always like this. i just hope my first impression sticks and you don't think i'm cold.
The sun will still smile down on me if I cry. The world won't end just because I want it to either. I can't hold onto the hands of time and ask them to stop for a moment or an eternity. Life is just happening to me. My parents just decided and i was poofed into existence. A soul was breathed into me and it's still here. Breathing even if i don't want it to. The sun will still set whether i want it to or not. A new day will roll around whether i'm prepared for it or not. Right now life is just happening to me. No other way to describe it. Life isn't hurting or exciting me. It's just happening. Like i'm just watching a movie, nothing too problematic or uneventful. It's just on because someone decided to turn it on. But i'm the one who has to watch it for its entirety incase something happens. idek.
it can get better or worse, it can go my way or it wont. all i can do is work hard or waste time. worry or work hard. stress or work hard. at the end of the day, the only reasonable option is to work hard. even if i cant find the energy. long run over current feelings. head over heart.
Dudu* posted a quote
September 24, 2018 6:32am EDT
you described it as "the time you were in the mood where you didn't want to meet or do anything" in such a round about way. i don't have to spell it out for you, we learnt about this together. starts with D ends with pression. you always throw that word around when you mean sad. so why couldn't you put two and two together? of course you knew, you're smart afterall. if not you, then who else would notice? i knew that you just didn't want to make me uncomfortable, but that's a scary thought...because that's how people slip away. it's not your fault though, it'll never be your fault. i just never want to hear you describe it that way. i had to laugh it off, but you made me feel like such a pain. i knew i was being a nuisance so i distanced myself. it wasn't necessarily a call for help but just time needed to recuperate. you told me recently i need to share more with you. that it's better than keeping it bottled up. but i hate attention and pity. in a crooked way i prefer it this way, although all that's left is me feeling bitter. i'll overcome this too.
Dudu* posted a quote
September 24, 2018 6:15am EDT
Will i leave a mark that leaves people saying i did well? do i even need those words? why have i convinced myself that i'm above such words? i do need much. i can have standards. i'm not a low maintenance person. throughout the day, when i laugh, i think..."yes, this is really all i need." Just one thing that makes me laugh, even for a moment. but i chase that thrill. It turns into, "even if i can find a bit of delight in this donut, i'll let myself indulge." But i don't know how to do this self care thing. i'm either hard on myself or letting myself go. there's no period in between where it's not destructive. but yeah. i've overcome everything that has already come, this shouldn't be any different. i don't even have to overcome it, just become accustom to it. accept it as a part of my personality...even if it doesn't have to be.
Letters to you JH, You're a real comfort to me. I think i can have the strength to go on now. You're so nice. I have work in the morning, i hope it is a good work day. I miss you like always. Rest well.
Throw away all your memories of me. I let go a long time ago. Throw away everything i gave you. I stopped caring a while ago anyway. I want to get rid of everything. I wanted to purposely throw it away for you to see. The pressed flower painting that you gifted me. The long necklace-like beads. They were precious to me at first. I wanted to keep them to look back at when i'm feeling nostalgic. But not even for that. Throw away everything I gave you, the poncho, the gas money. Throw it all away. I wish I didn't give you anything. If I could go back, I would throw you away too.