we both begged for understanding, so why can't we follow through? I wonder if this uneasy feeling lingers with you also. When we're retracing fond memories and holding each other. When our breathing is timed and our words kinder, I wonder if you feel this nervousness too.
When i know your thoughts through a single glance, what words are needed? i can see your heart throb, flutter and shake by the red on your cheeks. your preferences have slowly become my preferences, my secrets have slowly become yours. when ego steps in and makes us part ways. those times even, what more is there to say? if my eyes have missed yours so much that tears well, if i feel most pretty when you're kissing me, if holding your hand when i'm anxious has become second nature if the path to your house has somehow become mine... What words are needed?
accept me, love me, hold me. tell me words of encouragment. pretty phrases you've learnt along the way. let's cuddle, i'm especially sad tonight. simply being in the same room would be enough. just want to see you and hear that voice. i'm closing my eyes to the sound of you. a long day is finally coming to an end. my anxious heart is finally settling down. small spoon, feeling protected and safe. sighs have become my normal breathing pattern, but with this long exhale my burdens are sent off one by one. i'm warmed by the touch of you. i think i can find the strength to go on. hanging onto precious nights like this, i think it will be more than enough. i say thank you and mumble small compliments. how handsome and kind you are. how tender and sweet you are. i'm drifting off to the thought of us being eternally like this. warm in every essence of the word. comfortable. content. dare i say it, even happy.
If i say it simply. If i set the tone right, so that you are not caught off guard. If i could stand in front of you and have you listen to each word. "I, these days. I am tired." Would these plain words be enough? Simple yet vague still. Can you see me through for once? For once can you see through me?
Perhaps i was hurt because without knowing it, i had started to lean on you. at some point you were a comfort to me. a ghost of a person i could unload some of my burdens to. why did you have to make yourself so unlikeable? the invisible wall i leaned on vanished. now my heart is troubled, knees are scraped. in my eyes you're the enemy for hurting me. my mind protects me and makes you the enemy. the pain that swirls in every cell of my body. your name that must have offered comfort at some time. but now my heart sinks, eyes sting and mind becomes blank. i blame myself for not being enough for myself. i blame myself for not being able to depend on only myself. without knowing, i would lean on you. still when i see you...sometimes i feel a slight change. a small burden is lifted. i blame myself for these complex feelings. with family it's always complex feelings. sharing parents who favour you, but burden us both the same. i hated you but needed you and for that i'm burdened with these complex feelings.
You didn't know and i couldn't bring myself to tell you. Seeing you made my heart sink. I hated it all. Running into you by chance, the awkward small talk. You didn't know and for that i hated you. I was too afraid. For cowering away, i even hated myself. But still, if we run into eachother again... let's not greet eachother. Let's just not meet. I hated you. The expectations that preceeded the heartbreak. The careful and painfully thought out exchanges. The smile i put on whenever you made me nervous. I regret it all.
▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌ ♡ There is so much room for doubt, but you don't help that out. You say you love me, but there is so much that you won't say, and in all the ways I doubt, it's still pretty far out; that I still love you just as much as I once did. ♡ ▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌
when the ache in my chest has subsided, when that worried feeling finally goes away. when i can wake up without feeling weighed down. when i can feel ease and know contentment. when happiness is enjoyed and no longer so fleeting. when i can put this depression down. when i can lock this anxiety away. when food is just food and friends are just friends. when work is passion and family is love. surely then this ache would go away.
in this awkward silence, i'm looking at you. you're looking at me. you didn't ask for much but even this is difficult for me. i am incapable and lacking. any expectation is too high. to myself and you, i am sorry.
and i have been trying to pick up the pieces but you keep holding onto one. holding it above my head as if it's a game. when i'm couragous you hold tightly onto that piece. you outstretch your arm, as far as you can go. it's silly, it's too far. you only know it hurts when my tears fall. when i've given in to cowardice and accepted your embrace. when i can't hold my emotions back any longer. it's only then when you give it back to me. you only let me be whole when you're holding me. how did i get here? miscommunication and emotional unavailability. you are the embodiment of my nightmares. you stand tall before me with a smile. do you see what's happening? i'm in the palm of your hand and you're so happy. you're always so happy when you see me. you truly don't know my heart.