I honestly to this day don't and probably never will understand how somone can take a person who is beyond broken on ever level including emotionally and spiritually and pretend to love and use them knowing that there just going to break that person even more. all while the used one only wanted to love and care for that other person and is now once again giving up and falling back into the dark spiral still hanging onto the slightest bit of hope that one day they will find the right one who will end the suffering by showing the used one what true love really is, Until that day comes if it ever does ill be here in my shell waiting perhaps forever...
Seems so sick to the hypocrite norm Running their boring drills But we are an elite race of our own The stoners, junkies, and freaks. Yeah You can't understand a user's mind But try, with your books and degrees If you let yourself go and opened your mind I'll bet you'd be doing like me and it isn't so bad Alice in Chains-Junkhead
"i will live like this just for today. Just for today I’ll live like this, so what? I can’t do anything. Starting from tomorrow I will do my cleaning. I’ll start working on the things I left behind. I’ll try to live, I’ll try to do that. Though it’s so pathetic, oh simply Only for today, i'll be like this." - 2pm : just for today
supposed to be a rest day, all i think of is d-day. i know i should be resting. rest when i'm dead rings in my head. supposed to be my rest day. keep pushing it away. gradually get more tired, but it's not the type of "Oh i need to stop and have a rest day" type of tired. Just a "you've kept it up this long and could keep going" type of tired. need to take one already but don't let myself. gotta do it already but im not ready. running out of rest days.
So I havent been on here in 5 years I like my profile said? Its wild, reading all the things I used to write that I can only barely remember. I think that was the point of me doing it back the, was to have something I could look back on and know my old self.. but the thing is that I thought I would be looking back as a better person and the truth is, I'm not. I thought that I would grow out of it but I didn't. Here I am, an adult reading things that everyone told me was just teenage angst and thinking to myself, how did I even get this far? Its no wonder Im strugling so hard now, I've been struggling with this my whole fckng life. I like this though, a whole other world I can escape to. I liked going back and reading old things from myself and I want to keep it. So from here on out I'm coming back to this. This is my secret escape, my secret way of getting everything out. If theres anyone out there that feels anything similar to anything I ever wrote, reach out and we can figure it out together. Much love
There's both pain and silence Raging war in my mind The pain is deep and cuts like a knife But the silence is so much worse In silence I feel nothing And I wonder if I'm still there At least the pain Reminds me that I am alive For now, the pain is enough And I will take it over the silence
It's so hard to climb out of this hole I'm in. The walls are thick and the air is thin. You stand at the mouth, rope at your feet and tell me this is a battle I alone must beat. I cry out, but my voice is too weak and the hole is too deep So I curl up and weep As shadows and monsters creep Inside the hole, to where I lay And still you stand, one thing to say "Help yourself. It's better that way."
I know your frustration. It is my own. Why won't I just smile, laugh, be happy? Why must I drown in this sorrow day in and day out? Don't I want to be saved? Don't I want to be better? You ask me why, why won't I get better? But it's so hard to get better when all I've ever been is this.
It's much deeper than everyone getting the same amount of dessert as a kid. It's the support, the afterschool activities, the showing up, the unconditional love. It's the reassurance that no matter what you do, your parents will always be there for you. It's not enough to say you loved us all the same, because i saw it. When i wasn't allowed to do things that they could. When i was unfairly compared. When their achievements were celebrated and mine expected. It's the different standards, where for some reason mine were always higher but no reward. When push came to shove in a heated argument, your instincts told you to protect her. To take her side. I will never fully understand. I think it is too cruel to make me understand. It's less awkward now at least. Our relationship almost died when i saw it all for what it was. I still care but have little respect for you. Love doesn't matter if there's no respect. Caring is unintentional, i'll care for as long as it isn't calculated and deliberate. If i ever let it get to that point i'll be disappointed in myself for resembling you.
You're not special for standing by the one person who is getting pointed at. If you didn't for one moment think that maybe the majority had come to a decision that they were the harmful one, then no you are not special. Staying by their side, waiting for them to hurt you so you can see it for yourself doesn't make you special. You should think for a second...maybe there's a reason they're not getting along with the others. You won't be any better if you ignore the red flags and choose them over everyone else. That's not being forgiving, that's how you lose people. That's how you lost me.
There's this guy at work that I have known for almost 3 years now. I always thought he was cute, but then I started seeing someone (also from work).Then after the company's Christmas dinner this guy came up to me & grabbed my hand. I told him to get his friend some water as he had just thrown up. (They were all drunk and I was the DD) I didn't really think much of him trying to hold my hand, despite me being in a relationship with someone else. After a few months my SO and I went to an OpenAir concert where this guy from work was with his friends. At first I didn't even realize what was happening around me as I was pretty drunk myself. But then at some point I realized that he was holding my hand again. I tried holding it up to check if maybe he would let go as I was not "holding it back". Didn't work. & didn't really care at that point. A few months back we were at a festival where we ran into him as well, but nothing happened there. Except for the part that I realized that I might to start crushing on him.Another few months go by and the next christmas dinner was happening. I was no longer in a relationship, but we remained friends. At this point we hadn't really told anyone yet about the break up. So we sat at the table with this guy and we told him. & I also told him that no one would get mad anymore, if he should try to hold hands again. He had his thinking look on his face & after a moment he said: "I can't promise anything."So after the dinner we all decided to go to the bar. By now everyone was pretty drunk. I started to cling onto him & since he didn't seem to mind I continued doing so. I hooked my arm with his, gave him random hugs and by the end of the night he even hopped on my back. This was the point where I started crushing on him hard.I started to ask him to have a drink, to hang out, to go drive around, to the movies, etc. pretty much any idea I could come up with to spend time with him. To my surprise he almost always said yes, if he said no it was because he already had other plans, but always "made it up" to me by setting up another time.During this time he spend a few weeks abroad for work. On the second business trip he added 2 weeks of vacation. Before he'd left for the second trip we talked about his vacation and he was telling my about him going to NYC for a few days. Turned out that he was going alone, so I saw my chance and jokingly said I could join him as I had already put in my vacation days.So a few weeks later I met him in NYC. We had a few amazing days together, but on the "love-side" nothing really happened. Although, he was always really caring about me.
i love a “we can talk about anything and not let it get awkward” type of vibe. its so cool. so when you find someone who accepts you for you, someone that always listens and helps you without judgment. keep them.