Perhaps i was hurt because without knowing it, i had started to lean on you. at some point you were a comfort to me. a ghost of a person i could unload some of my burdens to. why did you have to make yourself so unlikeable? the invisible wall i leaned on vanished. now my heart is troubled, knees are scraped. in my eyes you're the enemy for hurting me. my mind protects me and makes you the enemy. the pain that swirls in every cell of my body. your name that must have offered comfort at some time. but now my heart sinks, eyes sting and mind becomes blank. i blame myself for not being enough for myself. i blame myself for not being able to depend on only myself. without knowing, i would lean on you. still when i see you...sometimes i feel a slight change. a small burden is lifted. i blame myself for these complex feelings. with family it's always complex feelings. sharing parents who favour you, but burden us both the same. i hated you but needed you and for that i'm burdened with these complex feelings.
You didn't know and i couldn't bring myself to tell you. Seeing you made my heart sink. I hated it all. Running into you by chance, the awkward small talk. You didn't know and for that i hated you. I was too afraid. For cowering away, i even hated myself. But still, if we run into eachother again... let's not greet eachother. Let's just not meet. I hated you. The expectations that preceeded the heartbreak. The careful and painfully thought out exchanges. The smile i put on whenever you made me nervous. I regret it all.
▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌ ♡ There is so much room for doubt, but you don't help that out. You say you love me, but there is so much that you won't say, and in all the ways I doubt, it's still pretty far out; that I still love you just as much as I once did. ♡ ▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌
when the ache in my chest has subsided, when that worried feeling finally goes away. when i can wake up without feeling weighed down. when i can feel ease and know contentment. when happiness is enjoyed and no longer so fleeting. when i can put this depression down. when i can lock this anxiety away. when food is just food and friends are just friends. when work is passion and family is love. surely then this ache would go away.
in this awkward silence, i'm looking at you. you're looking at me. you didn't ask for much but even this is difficult for me. i am incapable and lacking. any expectation is too high. to myself and you, i am sorry.
and i have been trying to pick up the pieces but you keep holding onto one. holding it above my head as if it's a game. when i'm couragous you hold tightly onto that piece. you outstretch your arm, as far as you can go. it's silly, it's too far. you only know it hurts when my tears fall. when i've given in to cowardice and accepted your embrace. when i can't hold my emotions back any longer. it's only then when you give it back to me. you only let me be whole when you're holding me. how did i get here? miscommunication and emotional unavailability. you are the embodiment of my nightmares. you stand tall before me with a smile. do you see what's happening? i'm in the palm of your hand and you're so happy. you're always so happy when you see me. you truly don't know my heart.
You're not my man. Likewise, i am not your woman. I want to have you but i don't have it in me. I'll let you hold my hand again tonight. It's not because it's you. It is because I am selfish and lonely tonight. Those words of comfort I gave you...I think I might need them. That hug, that soothing. Those empty, decorated compliments; I think I need them too. Reassurance that I'm a good person, that I have a heart. Can you please tell me those things? When morning comes you'll have to let me go and pretend nothing has changed. Don't call or get too concerned, but honey, I think I've hit a wall tonight. I can't fix this on my own. I'm not sure how I'm going to keep this show running. I'm so sick of playing myself and coming back to you. You're not mine and i'm not yours. I keep telling you. It is not because it is you, it is simply because.
i feel like my whole life i have been running forward without looking back. at some point a few years ago i slowed down and just stopped. i slowly started walking again but i can never get to that momentum back again. i want to find that place again. blind faith keeping me charging forward. i don't want to question anything anymore. i want the bliss of not knowing anything else. i want to put the blinders back on.
Ma, you set the standard too low. Now whenever he smiles at me i'm at his feet. i had to slowly set standards for myself. i became harder on others. he's nicer to me than you ever were. it's strange. I only got to learn this through him. Pa, he wasn't being overly nice. He was just being himself, but i applauded his every move. He's teaching me to have higher standards for myself and the people around me. I can be picky with him. He doesn't get mad like you both did. He actually listens and tries to do better by me. Isn't that crazy? I don't always have to be the one bending backwards. Sometimes i'm not wrong. But that's not how it was before. These past thoughts trickle in sometimes and i need to catch myself. The bar was so low. I didn't know i was raised to appreciate things that were below the bare minimum. it's almost like i deserve the same love i give. who would have thought.
there's this thin glass box. it let's every bad thing in and keeps it trapped inside. everything good bounces off and is reflected elsewhere. outside this glass box the world is so beautiful. it's full of every love imaginable. there's security, trust and even happiness. this glass box is so thin. it's so fragile. i keep trying to break out of it. i want to enjoy this world too. how did i get trapped inside? i ruminate over this thought until i reach an answer. it let's every bad thing in.