my names devan, i'm currently 18 years old turning 19 in may. i know that really isn't important but to me its everything, you see. i lost my grandpa on my 15th birthday due to oral cancer. i resent that day. and now i hate my birthdays because of it. me and my grandpa were two peas in a pod. we did everything together. every weekend we'd go to our favorite chinese buffet and eat till we couldn't anymore cause that was our favorite food. i miss him so much it hurts more than anything and i think that thats why i'm so broken today. he took a big part of who i was when he left and i don't know how to get it back. i'm in school right now and i can't even focus on my school work cause all i can think about is him and its making me want to cry. but i don't want the other students seeing me at my weakest. i'm going to my boyfriends after school for the weekend like i always do and today is our 6 month anniversary and honestly i'm dreading it because of how i feel right now. i just want to be held by him till we fall asleep. i don't even want to celebrate our anniversary. not that it has anything to do with grandpa i'm just really depressed. i could really use a friend or something
norefresh posted a quote
January 11, 2018 7:04am EST
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I tied my stomach in knots and I'm ready to know I'll put it on the line if you'd just give it a go 'cause I wanna be the only one to hold you so close and so tight and if it's cool with you, I'd really love to spend the night.
*Freedom* posted a quote
January 7, 2018 8:35pm EST
"i need a break" he said but that was not what I heard what I heard was "you're not good enough" "you changed" "i need some space" "i thought you were different" "i need some time apart from you" "i cant live with you" "go away"
I feel like my friends know that something is off but they're just too afraid to bring it up. I know they care, but to some degree they probably think I'm just being rude. That I'm not replying to texts because I don't like them anymore. That I can't be happy for them when I try to anymore. And it's not that I don't like them anymore. It's just hard to get happy over things sometimes. It's lame but kpop is the only thing I get excited over. One group in particular. I thank God I have something to be happy about and look forward to. But yeah. Other than that, it's weird. It's been like this for ages, it shouldn't feel weird anymore.
I've just come to accept that I am a person who experiences sadness for a prolonged period of time. I am depressed. I have come to accept that it is okay to feel this way, even when I feel like I shouldn't. Like I have no reason to feel this bad. I should stop overthinking it. I should speak to more people about it. I should try to get my life back and not let it drive me further away into isolation. I should do all those things. But it's weird. I don't want to.