It's not my parent's fault but i always felt like i grew up too fast. I don't really have a childhood that is nice to look back at. Nothing particularly sad happened. I had good times i'm sure, but if i were to pick a certain time i wouldn't be able to. For the most part, i think it came down to the fact that I never had time to be selfish. By the time i was two there was already a new baby on the way. I wasn't a forgotten child or anything. To this day i still feel very loved by my family. But i don't know how else to put it. I never got the chance to be selfish over anything. I never questioned sharing, and if something was taken away and no longer mine, i always had to make myself feel okay about it. i never felt the stong need to defend myself in any argument. I didn't place any importance on what anyone else thought was right. Even if i felt wronged, i was never resilient. Even if i was being bullied, i always thought "oh, the bully must have it worse since they feel the need to take it out on me." I think that's a mature thought process that I wish i never had when i was so young. I wish i wasn't as compassionate or empathetic. I would have made wholesome friends much earlier on, stood up to the bullies and had a happy childhood to look back at. My emotional intelligence grew much earlier on than i would have liked it to. I don't know. Obviously it's shaped me into who i am today...but i'm still not too sure how i feel about that yet.
I can't remember the exact moment when my world turned black and white. When the colour was sucked out of my soul like it was nothing and turned to vapor to disappear. It didn't happen overnight, but gradually. Every time I was let down, my heart broken again, every lie someone told me..someone I really trusted..someone I believed in, every time someone took from me what wasnt there's to take, another breath of colour escaped me..like a light turning dim. How does the universe choose us, the ones with glazed over eyes? And how does the universe choose who will always keep their light? I wanted to be like those girls who are bright, when they smile..they mean it...when they laugh..its real. No one ever hurt them, no one taught them they are small, no man took advantage..everyone in their life was always who they said they were. I want to trust. I want to believe. I want to smile. I want to be happy. I want to feel. But now all I feel is ruined..My world is Black and White. ♡
*Freedom* posted a quote
April 28, 2018 11:33pm EDT
Dear you,Hey friend, you probably will never find this but this is my confession. We hang out a lot, and maybe it doesn’t mean anything to you, but my heart jitters every time you just stare at me. You make me feel like I matter, since you listen to everything I say and it makes me feel special. Maybe this might cross you one day, and I know you probably don’t feel the same way. I just wanted to say thank you.