Well here I am almost 5 years later and I never really expected much to change but its like practically everything did, and I still feel the way I did then but there is a light and there is a dark and sometimes the space of light you see is so little but you really hold out for that first taste of air and pray...I found my little lights and some big ones too and also some darker times and lots of little cracks where I hadnt noticed before..heres to hoping I come back in another 5 years and the world has changed too. Dear 16, Hold on you learn light and darkness Dear 26 me...were gunna do this Signed 21
introverts. so take me there: to the end of this conversation. it starts in the same way, under the same circumstances. i'm lonely, you're lonely. we don't check in until it's all a little too much. Finally caving in as we burst at the seams. "How are you? i miss you." always precedes the trail of renewed confessions. nothing's changed, we're both still the same. you got a new comforter and i haven't seen those boxers before. still wrapped around your finger. still know you like the back of my hand. when we run out of things to say time begins to flow differently. the world mutes itself so i can hear your breathing. we're just existing in the same space and it's grand. we won't need to hear from eachother for another few weeks. low maintenance, dependable and all for me. you're my favourite human interaction.
what a shame. your house isn't my home, this morning isn't a good one. when i see you...i don't want to see you. nothing i did was ever enough, now this feeling goes both ways. i'm counting down the days till i can leave this place. i'm not satisfied with the way you raised me. it's immature in a way, i'm immature in a way. i blame you and keep blaming you. being the quiet child was good back then, but now i need to entertain you with conversation. everything you liked about me, i hate it now. it makes life so hard for me and i hate it all now. some mornings i wave a white flag, when i miss having parents i can laugh with. other mornings, after i've spent the night crying i can't bring myself to look you. you won't know, cause you don't listen. cause you not being the victim is something you can't fathom.
i just wanted to crawl into a tiny hole pull the covers over my head and rest my eyes for a while. to give my racing mind permission to crash into a cozy dream. a dream where all of this would stop being too much for me. a breeze became a stong blow and the strong blow became a hurricane. rain drops that showered down intermittently now greet me as downpour. learned habits and mirrorred expressions became a wall between me and everyone i loved. i just wanted to put this all down for a while. not put it in someone else's hands or rest it on someone else's shoulders. just put it on the ground, let it gather dust and revisit it when i'm stronger.
MaxieTofu posted a quote
October 29, 2020 7:25pm UTC
▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌ ♡ Why am I still making time for you? Still going out of my way to do things specifically for you to notice? Am I subconciously doing things in hopes of spending more time with you? Why am I doing this to myself. ♡ ▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌
that eternal force that's been there all the way. you're never alone, you're loved beyond comprehension. overcoming misunderstandings and soft blocking rumination. you are loved more than you will ever know that certain feeling that creeps up on you after a long day: on the bus ride home, before bed or during a shower, when there's no podcast or music to drown out your inner monologue that's when you decide who you are. that's when you reconnect with your true self. that's when you feel the most stable.
the big-little changes. how two foot steps became four and two heart rhythms became one. the three words that led to this path of light yet complex feelings. the off the record conversations in a safe, secluded place. how this tight chest situation was alleviated with a simple confession. sighing less frequently, my facial expressions matching the feelings within. the rush of warmth to my cheeks, a genuine smile. the flicker in your eyes when you set the angel wings aside. long drives, long walks & long stories told how they're supposed to be. midnight arriving with the influx of love calls and promises. the halo disappears but his words always remain sweet.
Skies Of Dark October- I open my eyes looking around My room and as usual I find myself alone. As I awaken from my sacred slumber I feel the energies around me as they begin to turn dark and cold. I arise from the bed where I lay and make my way to the bathroom that is shrouded in darkness except for a small amount of light that illuminates from a tiny bulb above the sink. I start to remove my clothes starting with my shirt but am stopped in my tracks as I see coming through the window out of the corner of my eye a dim orange glow of light followed by a howling wind that would send shivers creeping down almost any humans spine. But as stand there alone I feel no chills or fear as I have come to Love the Darkness the sights and sounds that return from beyond their graves during this time of year. I feel a sense of calmness a slight charm that I love and hold so near as I stare out into the horizon of the now dim orange glowing light as the sunsets and daylight dies once More under the dimming cold fluorescents of the dark mid October skies.
and it's been strange. learning about how all these little things i hated or enjoyed had a deeper meaning. the battles my subconsious was dealing with while i just flinched unknowingly. ignorance wasn't bliss. it left me confused and unsure of why i thought the way i thought and why i felt the way i felt. these back stories, this knot i'm unravelling. it's interesting. it's been really difficult, but i understand myself better. i guess you never really stop learning about yourself.
They think that I am stupid and I do not know what their hearts areOne letter from you traps youDo not play with me, you will not be able to overcome meI have two friends, my mind and my heart, and I am between them so that one of them can not control the otherHow smart I am because I do not make them feel the strength of my mind and my ability to actI'm just acting, I don't lie like they lie
Dudu* posted a quote
September 25, 2020 8:34am UTC
"i felt like i had to work hard to deserve everything. even the basic, for granted things. i couldn't just eat, i couldn't just be loved. in the same way i would compensate for a meal, i always thought i could only love after making up. i had to keep scores so i could stay one step behind. i had to suffer to prove to myself that i was deserving. what a heartbreakingly silly thing to have learnt."