Ma, you set the standard too low. Now whenever he smiles at me i'm at his feet. i had to slowly set standards for myself. i became harder on others. he's nicer to me than you ever were. it's strange. I only got to learn this through him. Pa, he wasn't being overly nice. He was just being himself, but i applauded his every move. He's teaching me to have higher standards for myself and the people around me. I can be picky with him. He doesn't get mad like you both did. He actually listens and tries to do better by me. Isn't that crazy? I don't always have to be the one bending backwards. Sometimes i'm not wrong. But that's not how it was before. These past thoughts trickle in sometimes and i need to catch myself. The bar was so low. I didn't know i was raised to appreciate things that were below the bare minimum. it's almost like i deserve the same love i give. who would have thought.
there's this thin glass box. it let's every bad thing in and keeps it trapped inside. everything good bounces off and is reflected elsewhere. outside this glass box the world is so beautiful. it's full of every love imaginable. there's security, trust and even happiness. this glass box is so thin. it's so fragile. i keep trying to break out of it. i want to enjoy this world too. how did i get trapped inside? i ruminate over this thought until i reach an answer. it let's every bad thing in.
if i could see myself through your eyes, would i like myself more? would i be pretty? do i have kind eyes? in my eyes you're the most handsome. kind eyes and warm smile. am i a bit like that too? i don't know myself. i need you to tell me who i am. shape me into what you want me to be. i don't like me right now. i didn't like past me either. Paint me in such a way that even i like me. so we don't get sick of me.
when you get sick of me-- no i have to get sick of you first. odd upper under hand ideology. why can't we be equals? why am i competitive in even love? it's just the two of us but i don't know anything else. i have to love you harder, get sick of you quicker. i get sick of people. is it normal? i'm already worried about you getting sick of me. it's stupid. it's not cute. when i'm sick of someone i stop caring. i stop making time, i stop playing nice. playing nice. even in my stream of consciousness this comes out. it's all acting, playing. my true feelings are coming out. i love you but even now i worry about who will fall out of love first. burdened and anxious over useless concerns. i'll cross that bridge when i get to it, i can't just burn it now. that's all i know. upper hand, under hand. insecure mess who needs you to feel important. if you don't like me anymore then i don't like me. it's dangerous.
living the life of someone who's living for someone else. in an ever so slightly desperate way, you're all i hang around for. net under the tight rope. when i get off work and get in your car, do you know how i feel? it's like a thick layer of stress is immediatley stripped away. do you know how beautiful your smile is? i feel so reassured when you smile at me. i tell you all the time. if you smile at me while we're arguing, it's game over for me. i'm so hopelessly smitten. you know how i'm like. i'm not excitable at all. intimidating and unapproachable. the dark cloud that looms above me turns into cotton candy. i'm the giddy puppy love type when you're around. complete 180. wrapped around your fingers. not letting go anytime soon. tell me more about how your day went. i'm all ears, eyes and heart. so smitten, you must have cursed me or something. it's the only possible explaination.
i'll paint it for you in a decorated way. when i step outside this door, i become the other. don't ask for directions, i must not be from here. i smile when new eyes meet mine. gotta be friendly, but not too approachable. pump up the music in my earphones. just ignore them, i'm perfectly fine. is it hayfever or am i sad somewhere deep inside. doesn't matter, i have a busy day today. i distract myself with thoughts of you. i won't be other when i'm back with you. wind in my eyes, i blink it away. preoccupied with how i look on the outside. sometimes i think about what it would be like to have a shrink dissect my story. i know why i'm like this. but knowing doesn't make it easier to live with. i just look forward for the day to end. i've always been like this. everything but you is difficult. the rare times we fight, i feel like my world is ending. i'm independent in all aspects of my life, but i really like you. when you're unhappy with me, i hate myself. if you scowl, i want the world to swallow me up there and then. i should sort through this with someone. it must not be healthy. i'm so insecure when it comes to this. you dictate how i feel. it's not like you're bad, you're simply human too. i can't expect you to make me happy all the time.
time is still flowing. as relentless as ever. we're both still here. i don't know where else to go so i always come back to you. time and time again. there's a bed there for me to sleep. a cutlery set and mug just for me too. you've slowly carved room in your life for me. when i tap on the front door ever so lightly, it caved in. i have a spare key now. it's interesting. over time i've gained a second home. i still feel some type of way about it all. like an imposter who's crossing some sort of boundry. sometimes it's home. sometime's it's outside of my comfort zone. same way with you. please smile at me more. i like compliments. i hate attention, but i like having yours. it's weird to me also. saying please. it's odd. like you have the upper hand. i have an inferiority complex. i'm working on it. sigh.
MaxieTofu posted a quote
March 11, 2020 11:15am UTC
▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌ ♡ My eyes stung with tears yet to cry. My heart sunk, to what felt like the bottom of the ocean. Why did I feel like this was already the end? I shouldn't have let the words escape my lips. This was my fault yet again. ♡ ▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌
don't do it, it feels good in the moment. but the moments before and after aren't worth it. it's what's gotten you to this point. it's keeping you at this point. stop self sabotaging. don't give up on yourself.
how to be a friend. how to be a good friend. i think i know. keep secrets. share presents. be there for them. support them. reply to texts. texting them whenever. feeling comfortable with them enough to tell them whatever. then when you get to see them, don't dread it. enjoy being with them. i've subconsiously listen this in order of what i can do, to what i struggle with the most. keeping secrets is easy. buying presents, easy. enjoying the friendship? if i have kept it this long, then i must enjoy it surely. surely it's not because i haven't known better. surely.
Dudu* posted a quote
February 29, 2020 12:18am UTC
it's always been about you. it will always be about you. what you want, if you're hurting or not. how this benefits you. what i have ever done for you. how we need to accomodate you. this diagnosis is to show you what you have. we've always known you had something. now you can get better. it's not for you to use as an excuse. it's for you to stop denying and start changing.
Dudu* posted a quote
February 29, 2020 12:14am UTC
i knew it. none of this was ever normal. fighting everyday over little things was never normal. the family walking around on eggshells whenever you were home was never normal. mum had to wrap around in a pretty bow all the words she gave you. she told it to me straight. it was never normal. lying for you, covering up your flaws. that's just how you were. you we're just a difficult person to be around. so fickle, so turbulent. you laid your childish landmines around the house. we'd step on them and you'd explode. each time more aggressive. we always knew it wasn't normal. you dismissed us as being jealous. in your borderline mind you painted us as the wrong ones. it was never normal.
Grey ceiling 2 cm above my head. Once I cracked through it the sky above was also grey. The glass roof that loomed over me for all these years...it was made of glass all along. Not cement. It weighed on my shoulders like a slab of concrete. Gross grey colour it drove me mad, why was it so hard to break through? Now I'm out in the open. I can see it for what it was. But the sky is still grey. The clouds are fortified with more tears than I could ever hold. I don't want to move. I feel like if I take a step in any direction the downpour will be too much for me. I want to crawl back into my concrete box. It's scarier outside. I wish I knew earlier the outside was just as bad. I should have known better than to seek help. The grey is slowly turning darker and I regret ever wanting better for myself. I was miserable inside but at least I wasn't scared for my life. Scared for my life. It's pitch black and I'm scared for my life. I don't understand. Why was the glass ceiling glass. Why is the sky so black. and since when did I care so much about my life that I'm afraid to lose it? Is this the lesson. Am I supposed to be scared straight now? I don't know who I'd be if I wanted to live beyond this. Wanting more dragged me into this. I should have been happy in my tiny depressing world. I was so comfortable there. Miserable and suicidal yes...but I had found comfort in that. A part of me wanted more still. That part of me hatched away at the glass that felt like concrete. It's still hard. But if I was really as comfortable as I'm trying to manipulate myself into thinking I was, then I would not be here. I can't ever let myself be comfortable again. Here on out my comfort zone is synonymous to danger zone.
i don't even know what this is. but hugging you is my favourite form of comfort. talking with you is how my favourite conversations are made. seeing you is the best part of my day. you say i do know what this is. i'll keep playing dumb. i'll keep holding your hand and making you smile. some days these little things are what keep me going. you say we don't need to label this. no pressure. we both know what this is. there's trust and exclusivity. i have your spare key and you always cook an extra serving for me. it's sweet and it's innocent and dare i say it... it seems a lot like love.
i'm fortunate to be comfortable enough with myself that i don't fear being alone. communication is important to me. it becomes important when you run into the language barrier with your parents on a daily basis. when expressing yourself is the most difficult thing to do. miscommunication galore. only clear communication done through an older sibling who has a better grasp of the other language. they're the middleman gatekeeper to having a deep conversation with my own parents. my trail of thought patched together with english. having to use elaborate confused sentences to describe how i'm doing. it's a whole headache. clear communication is very important to me. i don't want to keep being misunderstood. the idea of having no one to express my deepest thoughts and feelings to scares me more than being alone ever would.
i feel you get to me sometimes. i block you out but you keep tapping on my window. you say you love me but it's always been conditional. if i let you in again, the cycle just repeats. keep tapping away. that's all you know anyway...and i can't blame you for that. but at the same time, i can't be empathetic this time. this isn't a small favour. i lost interest in being 'the good daughter' a while ago. if i was never your 1st place then what's the point of racking brownie points and bending over backwards to make you happy? you had my respect when i thought you knew best and only wanted the best for me. i still love you. a part of my heart is designated to you...i've tried removing it but it won't budge. the thing is that i love myself more. i have to love myself enough for the both of us. because you have other priorities. meanwhile i'm my only priority. i don't get the luxury of having a plan B. this isn't a small favour. you can't make me out to be the odd one. this is important to me. this is my life. when will you understand?
The most dangerous time for an abused women is when she leaves. The abuser will try to make her sound to be the problem. He will try to turn people against her. He will make sure that he has a reason she has to communicate with him. He will try to manipulate get and everyone aroumd her that she knows and loves. When he realizes that the " I LOVE YOUS" and the " I AM SORRYS" aren't working it turns to violence. Then he's sorry again and loves you. The hardest part knowing this will happen and knowing YOU HAVE TO GO.... YOU DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE. Some people don't understand that. Knowing you WILL go through this without who was your best amd maybe only friend is a lot of the reason women don't leave. We are victimized by them everyday (in ways we never knew were possible) by both them amd the community. In a way.... It would have been earlier to stay. You know how you are going to be victimized. You can see it coming. When you leave and after you leave.... There is no end to the harassment they inflict on people. Please remember this when you find out someone was victimized. Definitely keep an open mind when you hear a story and put yourself in their shoes as much as possible.