i used to be the friend
that takes on average 72 hours to respond to a text. but
now you've turned me into a different type of beast.
i'm anxiously attached to my phone until the release hits
and i get a text from you. the anxiety seeps out and transforms
into a bubbly light feeling in my head. i don't like
that my mood still dips down with the affect or inflection of
others. i'm not happy that i will have to feel this little
discomfort till the day i die. i'm not happy that he's
so different from what i know is good for me. i hate that most
days i get through by a combination of visual, auditory
and physical distractions. i hate how numbed out and
callous i can be when i'm hurt. i hate that sometimes
writing things down is the only way i can recognise how i am
doing. this whole time i was trying to keep him afloat but it
killed a piece of me. my toxic positivity leaves me starved of
attention and so infuriatingly meek. i've fallen for a
friend that i see no future with. till this day seeing my
mother laugh with my sister makes me happy and stings me just
as bad. when i can't get a word in it brings me back to the
worst feeling of all. so many disconnected feelings exist
within me and i wish i could have it all sorted out once and
for all.
