you're fine, you just need some time. the ache in your knees will subside. baby you're fine. your skin will turn to iron and your heart will blush again. some day these bullet-like exchanges won't bring you any pain. when the grey ceiling mumurs a "good morning" to you, and when having ammonia in your lungs has become normal to you: even then, bubby, you're going to be fine. choose to be nice to yourself every day. show up, check on your friends, eat your meals on time and rest when you can. it's sad realising how alone you are. why were you running so hard? who was this all for? smiles and words you wanted so badly: they were never for you. how heavy these burdens are, how endless these tears are. the herniated hip from birth, it certainly was signposting to what was to come. it hurts more deeply the more you think about it. the grieving can pause while you sleep. before bed, without much thought: sleep. no lucid dreaming, just rest. without wanting it to: it hurts, it hurts, it hurt. without wanting to: i have to accept it. i think i will have to do that from now. it's hard, but i will be fine. you always have time, you've always got time. you'll be fine.
introverts. so take me there: to the end of this conversation. it starts in the same way, under the same circumstances. i'm lonely, you're lonely. we don't check in until it's all a little too much. Finally caving in as we burst at the seams. "How are you? i miss you." always precedes the trail of renewed confessions. nothing's changed, we're both still the same. you got a new comforter and i haven't seen those boxers before. still wrapped around your finger. still know you like the back of my hand. when we run out of things to say time begins to flow differently. the world mutes itself so i can hear your breathing. we're just existing in the same space and it's grand. we won't need to hear from eachother for another few weeks. low maintenance, dependable and all for me. you're my favourite human interaction.
Dudu* posted a quote
November 12, 2020 12:25am UTC
You know i'm so bad. "i don't mind, i don't mind. No, baby i don't care." different hearts, even so, you like it bad like me. Question: You had fun right? say no, then how bout now? Question: Wanting more? then say no more, there's no love here. - SUJU D&E : No Love.
what a shame. your house isn't my home, this morning isn't a good one. when i see you...i don't want to see you. nothing i did was ever enough, now this feeling goes both ways. i'm counting down the days till i can leave this place. i'm not satisfied with the way you raised me. it's immature in a way, i'm immature in a way. i blame you and keep blaming you. being the quiet child was good back then, but now i need to entertain you with conversation. everything you liked about me, i hate it now. it makes life so hard for me and i hate it all now. some mornings i wave a white flag, when i miss having parents i can laugh with. other mornings, after i've spent the night crying i can't bring myself to look you. you won't know, cause you don't listen. cause you not being the victim is something you can't fathom.
i just wanted to crawl into a tiny hole pull the covers over my head and rest my eyes for a while. to give my racing mind permission to crash into a cozy dream. a dream where all of this would stop being too much for me. a breeze became a stong blow and the strong blow became a hurricane. rain drops that showered down intermittently now greet me as downpour. learned habits and mirrorred expressions became a wall between me and everyone i loved. i just wanted to put this all down for a while. not put it in someone else's hands or rest it on someone else's shoulders. just put it on the ground, let it gather dust and revisit it when i'm stronger.