just know that i tried my best. you think i'm heartless and cruel but all these things you say i learnt them all from both of you. i was never the favourite kid. i must have kept a strong streak in second place. how could you both make me feel so great yet insignificant? just know that for the longest time i was living for you. grades, friendships, barbeques...somehow everything was to make you proud. i was hanging onto every compliment, why is it that i could keep count? when i drew the line. no, when you both forced me to build this wall, it was also for you. how many things did i keep from you? how many nights did i wish that you weren't my parents? how embarassing at my big age i still feel stuck in this place. just know that i was trying my best. i didn't respond but still paid all your bills well before the due date. if i was no longer the quiet kid who did well on their own, then now i was the distant adult who you could still depend on. it's so painfully superficial, my heart can't find rest. you adored the others for merely existing yet scorned at me for failing tests. i'm sorry for my past self who fought so hard. surely i could forgive myself for throwing in the towel. surely they won't notice i've given up on them now.
and you say that all the time. i should be grateful. rushing to help you before you even call. i'll miss you when you're gone you say that all the time. well my eyes sting and my throat feels like it's on fire. my chest is tight and my narrow shoulders are heavy. despite your grand promises; i'm still so lonely. perhaps i'll miss it. i'll probably miss it. but it'll be in some deluded, distant way. the way that traumatic memories are buried in the mind and only the bearable ones linger. with time i'm sure even those sad nights will glimmer. so you're right. i'm going to miss this. some day, some how even this pain will glow.
i'm sorry my brain has turned to mush, i promise it wasn't always this way. my cheeks are red, my brain must have overheated. i can't even rhyme anymore. you can hold my hand and heart whenever you want. i think i like you a lot. i want to keep seeing the light in your eyes and pretending to hear the words that you speak. i'm constantly distracted by your smile. i'll nod along until you catch on.
i heard a tune and i hummed along, instinctually i just hummed along. i heard his voice and i sung along. without much thought i sang along. and when i felt this breeze, i put my jacket on. i hugged it on. you see how things have changed? now i simply carry on. i don't try to fight it. i just carry on.
i hate that you can't cover your feelings. you wear disdain like it's something to be proud of. it's also not impressive when one cannot filter their words. it's more respectable when someone can take others into account. consideration is key and spluttering out whatever comes to mind is never pretty. we're all learning. let's be more sympathetic from now on, shall we?
What you said made me realize that literally every one of my guy friends, haven't respected me like you do. Don't know what that says about teh people I choose to hang around, or myself. Thank you for respecting our friendship, and me. You are such a great person and I am so glad we met. Maybe in the future something could possibly happen between us, but I'm just so happy we get to learn more about each other just as friends
Something unexpected happened last night. I'd be lying if I said that I never fantasized about it happening, I just didn't think it would actually come to fruistion. But it did happen, and it felt like I was in an early 2000's romcom. Or that elevator scene between Jess and Nick in "New Girl". Same thing right? I feel good about this. While I do have some worries, he doesn't seem like the type of guy to lead someone on. I want to take things slow, I know how I am when things start to go too fast. Moving forward with this situation, I want to make sure I don't compromise my boundries and stay true to myself. I also want to be comfortable enought with each other to communicate what we want and not feel weird asking for something we need from the other. I do hope this leads to some sort of commitment down the road, because I really want that stability. I want to be seen with him, go on dates, get to know each other, make plans or trips, and whatever else we decide.