My memories are being reshuffled, all that's left is grey. Was it a good childhood, were they good friendships? Did I enjoy the life I lived? At the time, was I happy? Content at least? Surely I was happy at some point. I can't have lived my whole life without colour. But when I look back...I keep looking back. All that's left is grey. Small flashes that I thought I could forget by now, some are revisited as I try to rest. They resurface and before I can wish it away a tear has already sunken into my pillow. Makes me wonder if everyone lives like this. If my tears were always this salty. If I was just supposed to keep living like this. I keep telling myself one day at a time. One of these days it'll get better. Each day breaks me in a new way, but it just has to get better. God is fair. If it wasn't for that then I couldn't breathe let alone sigh a minute longer.
soon you'll be able to sleep well again. the sadness will be swept away in one blow. you'll eat proper meals from now on too. everything will fall at your feet. a new sun will embrace you, a new moon will watch over you. soon a spark will light up in your chest and you'll forget all the bad things. as i stroke your cheek and hold you close, i can't help but think how natural this is. of course even at this parting, comforting you is a must.
"Prove me wrong. Will I ever find someone who loves like me? Will I have to accept coldness? I'm not the type to be chipped away when met with coldness. I'm the type to only give in when I'm met with warmth. I think all my words through before saying them. I would never hurt him intentionally. Each word is careful. Prove me wrong. If you said it, how can you not mean it? I know when you're joking. Let's be honest here. You we're trying to hurt me. I'll frame it for you. Your ego was hurt and you wanted to hit back for a second. But the difference was I wasn't trying to hurt your ego or your feelings. You snapped back and used my weakness against me. I don't really want a hug right now. How can you give me the pain and the remedy all at once? I fantasized about this...being comforted by you after a long, trying day. You're only human. We're both only human. You can make mistakes. But please, let's both be more careful. I have no one else but you. If you hurt me I feel some type of way. Like I'm backed into a corner. Like I'm a little girl backed into a corner. You bring me back to that space. Small and with no where else to go. It's a bad feeling. Truly awful feeling."
there's this thin glass box. it let's every bad thing in and keeps it trapped inside. everything good bounces off and is reflected elsewhere. outside this glass box the world is so beautiful. it's full of every love imaginable. there's security, trust and even happiness. this glass box is so thin. it's so fragile. i keep trying to break out of it. i want to enjoy this world too. how did i get trapped inside? i ruminate over this thought until i reach an answer. it let's every bad thing in.
if i could see myself through your eyes, would i like myself more? would i be pretty? do i have kind eyes? in my eyes you're the most handsome. kind eyes and warm smile. am i a bit like that too? i don't know myself. i need you to tell me who i am. shape me into what you want me to be. i don't like me right now. i didn't like past me either. Paint me in such a way that even i like me. so we don't get sick of me.
when you get sick of me-- no i have to get sick of you first. odd upper under hand ideology. why can't we be equals? why am i competitive in even love? it's just the two of us but i don't know anything else. i have to love you harder, get sick of you quicker. i get sick of people. is it normal? i'm already worried about you getting sick of me. it's stupid. it's not cute. when i'm sick of someone i stop caring. i stop making time, i stop playing nice. playing nice. even in my stream of consciousness this comes out. it's all acting, playing. my true feelings are coming out. i love you but even now i worry about who will fall out of love first. burdened and anxious over useless concerns. i'll cross that bridge when i get to it, i can't just burn it now. that's all i know. upper hand, under hand. insecure mess who needs you to feel important. if you don't like me anymore then i don't like me. it's dangerous.
living the life of someone who's living for someone else. in an ever so slightly desperate way, you're all i hang around for. net under the tight rope. when i get off work and get in your car, do you know how i feel? it's like a thick layer of stress is immediatley stripped away. do you know how beautiful your smile is? i feel so reassured when you smile at me. i tell you all the time. if you smile at me while we're arguing, it's game over for me. i'm so hopelessly smitten. you know how i'm like. i'm not excitable at all. intimidating and unapproachable. the dark cloud that looms above me turns into cotton candy. i'm the giddy puppy love type when you're around. complete 180. wrapped around your fingers. not letting go anytime soon. tell me more about how your day went. i'm all ears, eyes and heart. so smitten, you must have cursed me or something. it's the only possible explaination.
i'll paint it for you in a decorated way. when i step outside this door, i become the other. don't ask for directions, i must not be from here. i smile when new eyes meet mine. gotta be friendly, but not too approachable. pump up the music in my earphones. just ignore them, i'm perfectly fine. is it hayfever or am i sad somewhere deep inside. doesn't matter, i have a busy day today. i distract myself with thoughts of you. i won't be other when i'm back with you. wind in my eyes, i blink it away. preoccupied with how i look on the outside. sometimes i think about what it would be like to have a shrink dissect my story. i know why i'm like this. but knowing doesn't make it easier to live with. i just look forward for the day to end. i've always been like this. everything but you is difficult. the rare times we fight, i feel like my world is ending. i'm independent in all aspects of my life, but i really like you. when you're unhappy with me, i hate myself. if you scowl, i want the world to swallow me up there and then. i should sort through this with someone. it must not be healthy. i'm so insecure when it comes to this. you dictate how i feel. it's not like you're bad, you're simply human too. i can't expect you to make me happy all the time.
time is still flowing. as relentless as ever. we're both still here. i don't know where else to go so i always come back to you. time and time again. there's a bed there for me to sleep. a cutlery set and mug just for me too. you've slowly carved room in your life for me. when i tap on the front door ever so lightly, it caved in. i have a spare key now. it's interesting. over time i've gained a second home. i still feel some type of way about it all. like an imposter who's crossing some sort of boundry. sometimes it's home. sometime's it's outside of my comfort zone. same way with you. please smile at me more. i like compliments. i hate attention, but i like having yours. it's weird to me also. saying please. it's odd. like you have the upper hand. i have an inferiority complex. i'm working on it. sigh.
don't do it, it feels good in the moment. but the moments before and after aren't worth it. it's what's gotten you to this point. it's keeping you at this point. stop self sabotaging. don't give up on yourself.
how to be a friend. how to be a good friend. i think i know. keep secrets. share presents. be there for them. support them. reply to texts. texting them whenever. feeling comfortable with them enough to tell them whatever. then when you get to see them, don't dread it. enjoy being with them. i've subconsiously listen this in order of what i can do, to what i struggle with the most. keeping secrets is easy. buying presents, easy. enjoying the friendship? if i have kept it this long, then i must enjoy it surely. surely it's not because i haven't known better. surely.
Dudu* posted a quote
February 29, 2020 12:18am UTC
it's always been about you. it will always be about you. what you want, if you're hurting or not. how this benefits you. what i have ever done for you. how we need to accomodate you. this diagnosis is to show you what you have. we've always known you had something. now you can get better. it's not for you to use as an excuse. it's for you to stop denying and start changing.
Dudu* posted a quote
February 29, 2020 12:14am UTC
i knew it. none of this was ever normal. fighting everyday over little things was never normal. the family walking around on eggshells whenever you were home was never normal. mum had to wrap around in a pretty bow all the words she gave you. she told it to me straight. it was never normal. lying for you, covering up your flaws. that's just how you were. you we're just a difficult person to be around. so fickle, so turbulent. you laid your childish landmines around the house. we'd step on them and you'd explode. each time more aggressive. we always knew it wasn't normal. you dismissed us as being jealous. in your borderline mind you painted us as the wrong ones. it was never normal.
MaxieTofu posted a quote
February 23, 2020 1:50pm UTC
▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌ ♡ I've not even phsyically felt your touch, and yet you've touched more parts of my soul than almost anyone. I can't describe the things you make me feel, but you truly own every single part of me, should you wish to take it. I've already jumped in head first, no regrets. I will always be yours, no matter what happens. Even when you tire of me, I will be there. ♡ ▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌