sk8ter_gurl_17 · 1 decade ago
i cant stop thinking about one direction whenever it says harry :) ps, i love this story so far :) xx
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amoisttowelette · 1 decade ago
This is a great beginning :) props!
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TheChronicler · 1 decade ago
Chapter 1
The light breeze blew my hair out of my face, as I walked along the shore, letting the small waves make contact with my ankles.—no comma after face.

I walked further in the water, enjoying the cold feeling of it, while the sun beamed on my face.
“You shouldn’t go too far, you might drown.” A voice gently said behind me.—maybe say “I walked further in the water, enjoying the cold feeling of it in contrast to the sun, beaming on my face.” Everything else sounds nice.

I spun on my heel, almost slipping on a piece of seaweed that was on the ocean ground.—this sentence sounds weird. The part that says “that was on the ocean ground” sounds awkward.

I regained balance by sticking one arm out, as I felt my face burning with embarrassment.—just say: “I regained balance by sticking my arm out, my face burning with embarrassment.”

I bravely looked up at the six foot figure that was at the edge of the water.—say “With a surge of courage, I met eyes with the tall figure at the shore.”

His brown hair was dampened, yet it looked so soft, contrasting with his blazing blue eyes.—just say “yet it looked so soft in comparison to his blazing blue eyes.”

“Don’t worry, I’m fine. I use to be a competitive swimmer.” I assured, stepping out of the water that covered my knees.—say “I assured him, stepping away from the deeper tides.”

The brown haired, blue eyed boy stood waiting for me, with an expression I wasn’t sure I could make out.—say “The brown haired blue-eyed boy stood there waiting for me, his expression unreadable.”

I frowned, as I walked past him.—no comma

I heard light footsteps following me behind, as I turned around to face the boy.—say “As I left him, I began to hear light footsteps trailing from behind me. I turned around, and there he was before me.

“Why are you following me?” I asked.—good, I’m being picky here but I think if you got rid of the “Why” it would sound more conversationlike.

The boy chuckled lightly, as he shrugged.—no comma!

“Because you look so uptight.” He paused. “It’s summertime, loosen up.”—I like that

I sighed deeply, crossing my arms. “I’m not uptight.”--good

The boy grinned, as he ran a hand through his hair.—no comma!

“You don’t look too happy, though. Do you want to talk about it?”—good, maybe say wanna talk talk about it? Cuz that sounds more conversationlike.

I shook my head. “No, I don’t even know who you are.”—just say I don’t even know you, it sounds more conversationlike.

It came out harsher than I had intended to say, because his face went blank for a slight second.—say “It must’ve came out harsher than I intended; you could tell he was taken aback.

“Well, that’s okay, I guess. I’m Harry, by the way.” He smiled, extending a hand out.—just say “He smiled, extending his hand.”

I frowned, biting my lower lip.--good

Was I supposed to shake his hand?— get rid of that.

Who even did that anymore?— just put here “Was he really trying to shake my hand? Who even did that anymore?”

“I’m Colby.” I said, slapping his hand, giving him a high five.—just say “I said, giving him a high five.”

He raised an eyebrow, but nodded with amusement.--good

“Colby, huh? That’s an interesting name, for a girl.” He grinned.—get rid of comma after “name”.

I laughed quietly, surprisingly.—say “Surprisingly I began to laugh. It wasn’t a loud laugh, but it was a laugh nonetheless.”

It was the first time I had actually laughed since my mother made me move here, all the way across the country.—good.

“My mother and father were expecting a boy.” I explained. "But, I guess they got stuck with me."—good.

Harry threw his head back in laughter, as his eyes twinkled in the sun.—say Harry threw his head back in laughter, his eyes twinkling in the sun.”

"Well, since we're here, right now, together." he paused, as I took the oppurtunity to cut him off.—say “Well, since we’re here…right now. Together.” And say opportunity.

"No, sh*t." I smirked, tossing my hair up in a ponytail.—say “I smirked, gathering my hair in a ponytail.”

Harry watched me with a small smile for a minute before continuing.—say “Harry stared at me with a small smile before continuing.

"Let's play a game, them." he suggested.—“Let’s play a game, then,” he suggested.

I raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"—good.

"Well, catch me if you can." he grinned widely.—say “Well, catch me if you can,” he said, grinning widely.

I frowned, as I pursed my lips.—say “I frowned and pursed my lips.

"I can't tell if you're serious, or you're just using that as a pick up line."—good.

Harry stared at me hard and long, before smiling.—get rid of comma.

"I like the way you think, but I'm serious. Come on." he winked, as he started sprinting.—say “I like the way you think, but I’m completely serious here. Come on,” he said with a wink. And moments later, he was sprinting.”

I laughed behind, before running after him, letting the sand sink between my toes.—good
Okay, so overall I liked it, it’s cute, easy to read, and fun. Just made a few corrections, but good job! (:

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Sonny84 · 1 decade ago
Harry......... POTTER????? Jk lol but that would be an awesome twist.... sry I'm just obsessed... ;)
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belle17 · 1 decade ago
so good:)
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XxlivelifelovexX · 1 decade ago
is this about harry styles from one direction? cause it sounds like it
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sophie0404 · 1 decade ago
this is absolutely amazzzzzing! write mooore pleeeeeease <3
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hannahc2017 · 1 decade ago
lol i love your stories but you should add like a black guy or an asian so its not always guy with dark hair and blue eyes lol
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live_forever12 · 1 decade ago
three strikes was amazing i was like crying because jesse and kendall wouldn't be together :((( xx
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kaiibabess · 1 decade ago
Absolutely adorbss
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MeeAndYoou · 1 decade ago
I saw harry - instantly thought Harry Potter :) Amazing two chapters :) Loved three strikes and this is just amazing :)
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niki12354 · 1 decade ago
harry.. HARRY POTTER

and you should have the guy be not who you think he is... make him the villian or something xD
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lexielicous12 · 1 decade ago
i agree on the sequel thing to Three Strikes!! it was amazing! and i didnt want it to ends. this is also really good so far!
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wannabewriter2011 · 1 decade ago
I think you should make a sequel to "Three Strikes!" and I love this but not the name 'Harry'
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LeenyBoBeeny · 1 decade ago
Its really good, I just think the boy part happens a little too quickly/easily.
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jessica7 · 1 decade ago
LoVe It!!!!!!!!!!! ♥
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taylorswiftfanxx16 · 1 decade ago
THIS IS AMAZING IM ADDICTED WRITE MORE NOW GOGOGOGOGO
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nicolebudz1234 · 1 decade ago
like it so far keep on going
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masher33 · 1 decade ago
HARRY STYLES?
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gabby1210 · 1 decade ago
aww! it seems soo cute! you have to write/ continue this story!
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