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GarlandMay

Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
April 28, 2013 1:49pm UTC

Friend: Next time a blocked number calls you, answer like this--"Jim's wh.ore house. You got the dough, we got the hoe."
Me: No. How about, "Nashville sp.erm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it. How may I help you?"
Friend: No, you should say--"Henderson's Morgue, you stab em, we slab em. This is Eight Ball speaking."
Me: I think I should say, "Texas creatorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em. How can I direct your call?"

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tiredofbeinginvisible7
posted a quote
April 27, 2013 7:32pm UTC

Why I'll be the best parent ever:
When I get into a big fight with my future teenage child and they won't back down I'm just going to yell, "Thank God I'm not your biological mother!" Then I'll watch them freak out for a few minutes before saying, "Nah, I'm just kidding." And then they'll get all mad and I'll just be like, "That's what you get for giving me attitude." And then my husband will just be there like, "Oh my God."

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BlackButterflies
posted a quote
March 14, 2013 5:05am UTC

is no one going to bring up the fact that in Australia they have a type of icecream called a Golden Gaytime
are we just ignoring that or

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BlackButterflies
posted a quote
March 14, 2013 12:33am UTC

i was on tumblr and i just saw a picture of a woman with a poem tattooed onto her
want to know why that's special?
I wrote that poem and posted it on tumblr six months ago.
my poetry impacted her to the point where she wanted to have it permanently on her skin. it will be with her forever; when she gets married, it will be there, when she has children, it will be there. it meant that much to her.
and i am speechless.

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ThatsSoMeee
posted a quote
February 17, 2013 4:25pm UTC

Every book
you've ever read
is just a different combination
of 26 letters.
Weird, isn't it?

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posted a quote
January 1, 1970 12:00am UTC

This quote does not exist.

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HakunaaMatata
posted a quote
February 9, 2013 4:59pm UTC

allcredittocaptivated
Where trouble
melts like lemon drops,
high above the chimney tops,
that's where you'll find me.

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ChocoTaco
posted a quote
February 8, 2013 3:33pm UTC

*Hears noises at night*: Well this is it, this is the end for me I had a good life.
*Gets shampoo in my eyes*: I guess I'm blind now. How am I ever going to see my first born child?
*Heart is beating fast*: I think I am having a heart attack. Is this what cardiac arrest is?
*A cop walks by*: Here I go about to get arrested. I probably murdered someone.
*Taking a test*: Don't take your eyes off of this paper, you will get caught cheating and get kicked out of school and amount to nothing.
*Gets a sunburn*: Great now I have skin cancer. How will I tell my parents?
*Tripping over something*: I guess my leg will have to be amputated. Why did this happen to me?

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ChocoTaco
posted a quote
February 8, 2013 2:46pm UTC

The Ten Commandments of Witty
1. Thou shalt not put any website creators before Steve.
2. Thou shalt 'follow' Steve under all conditions.
3. Thou shalt set aside work to go on Witty Profiles at least once a week.
4. Honor other Wittians' opinions.
5. Thou shalt not have curses or rude sayings in their quotes.
6. Thou shalt not pretend to be the opposite gender.
7. Thou shalt not steal other quotes.
8. Thou shalt not falsely accuse a Wittian of something they did not do.
9. Thou shalt not ask for faves or followers.
10. Thou shalt not hate on Witty Profiles or anyone in it.

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jimmy365
posted a quote
February 8, 2013 11:40am UTC

i hope my nintendogs are alright
i haven't fed them in
6 years
f o r m a t j i m m y 3 6 5

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MXer_4life_219
posted a quote
February 9, 2013 10:12am UTC

Universal truth: sun rises in the east...
Fact: sun neither rises nor sets, its only EARTH that rotates.
Moral: education kills our common sense

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ourmememories
posted a quote
February 2, 2013 7:39pm UTC

I wonder if you ever
just stop and think
"Man, I miss her."

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TheGurlWithTheCurls
posted a quote
February 2, 2013 5:12pm UTC

Why do they call it the constitution? Con means it's negative.
They should call it the PROsti-- Oh ( -.-)

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lovecrazy
posted a quote
January 30, 2013 7:01pm UTC

"Your heroes wear capes and fly.
My heroes are covered in tattoos and sing."
Really? Cause I'm almost 110% positive that my heroes wear dog tags and are risking their lives to fight for my freedom.

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AnotherAverageTeenageGirl
posted a quote
January 30, 2013 6:56pm UTC

Today at school a group of students and I had to do a skit for the elementary students on what bullying is. So we showed them that bullying is something that happens everday and not just once or twice on accident. We made signs with the days of the week on it to show that it happens over a period of time and each time the sign would change the "bully" would say or do something to the "victim"
I was the "victim" in one of the skits and the "bully" was making fun of me, calling me names, you know. The entire time he was calling me stupid, said I smelled, and told me my clothes were gross. During this time maybe one or two kids would laugh, but not realy any reactions.
And then the bully said. "You are fat and ugly. You shouldn't come to school because no one wants to see your face."
After he said that there was a moment of silent and then every little kid there went "Ooohhhhhh!"
Afterwards we were standing off to the corner talking about how it went when a little boy, maybe a kindergartener came up to me.
"I just wanted to let you know that you aren't fat or ugly. You are really really pretty, and that boy shouldn't of lied to you." He then turned to the guy that way being the bully. "You do not call a girl fat or ugly! All girls are beautiful! You should be put in time out!"
I told the little boy that he was just pretending and would never really call a girl fat or ugly and the little boy looked at me and said. "Okay but he does it again let me know. I'll get him to stop." And then he walked away.
I hope that little boy never changes.

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