last week i was at a coffee shop with my boyfriend and this guy i know was working there and i asked if i could have a coffee and he just replied with 'no' and then stared at me for like five seconds and i didn't know what to do even though he was obviously joking so i just kind of shuffled back and hid behind my boyfriend for five minutes i've missed sharing my socially awkward adventures with the internet
at school today my teacher walked into class wearing a full suit of armour, got to his desk, said "oh sh/t i forgot my phone charger.", knocked over a pot plant, jogged out of the classroom and didn't return.
i was at the park and i walked past two parents and their little girl who was about 2 years old. when her mum and dad's backs were turned she somehow managed to remove her trousers, throw them behind her and begin to dance in a way that i can only compare to a very small, happy wombat trying to catch a butterfly. her parents turned around and saw what she was doing and i sh/t you not they both yelled at the exact same time "NO! NO, THE PARK IS A 'PANTS-ON PARTY'!" she stuck out her tongue, picked up her jeans from the ground and said, "it isn't a party if the pants are on."
so i went on a roadtrip with my friends and: - we went to see Frozen in a small town movie theater that had mismatched couches instead of chairs and also the little paper tickets that say "admit one" on them - we drank 21 litres of iced tea and 12 litres of iced coffee between us - the guy at subway gave me seven free cookies. shoutout to the guy at subway. i ate all the cookies and a 12 inch sub so i think he stopped thinking i was hot at that point but it was glorious - we all bought snapbacks and at one point i was wearing 5 snapbacks at once and that had to be the moment when i ran into our principal - he looked at me and nodded then literally backed away - there was a sign in the middle of nowhere that said "santa is dead and the reindeer have taken over." - ???????????????????????? what - i might have purchased all the guys underwear that said "YOLO" on the waistband and confiscated all their other underwear so they had to wear them - when i say might have i mean that that's exactly what happened and i've never been prouder of myself - we witnessed an old man vault over a fence into private property to pick a bunch of flowers for his wife :)))) - ONE OF US GOT STUCK IN A WINDOW - NO IT WASNT ME WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT - one of my friends got very tired and fell asleep wearing only his YOLO underwear, one sock and a floral bonnet - i was dared to go a week without coffee and i made it four days before i gave in and drank three consecutive cups within half an hour - we wrote Hannibal fanfiction in the car i love my friends so much i don't know i just wanted to share that stuff because it was great and i want to remember it forever :)
i have to use the oxford comma because if i don't use it i'll end up writing something like "i bought eggs, milk and sugar" which makes me sound like i'm telling a bowl of milk and sugar all about my shopping adventures instead of listing what i purchased.
oh my swEET LORD i was at the grocery store today (incidentially i was buying four large bars of chocolate but that's irrelevant shut up) and the girl next to me was trying to buy stuff at the self checkout thingy but it kept rejecting the notes she put in and she tried SO MANY TIMES and in the end she had to pay in entirely dollar coins and when the machine said "thank you for shopping with us!" in its cheerful little voice she just muttered "you're welcome, you abysmal piece of s.h.it" and left the shop
i want to build a house inside your ribcage and live there next to your heart forever. forever is a short word and a long time, but it is made up of a million tiny infinities stacked together like playing cards, and love is a game that everyone tries to cheat at but no one knows how to win.
hey merry christmas everyone (probably a little bit early for you guys but its christmas morning in new zealand so...) please relax and eat nice food and have a great day!! that also goes out to people who don't celebrate christmas i hope you guys have a fab december 25th too!!!
i hate that girls say "i'm not like other girls!!!" as if there is something very wrong with being like other girls i hate that a lot of girls still think that se.x is meant to hurt the first time because they think the hymen "pops" when actually it naturally has a hole in it (how do you think tampons work? come on now.) and pain the first time means it was too rough or too fast or you need surgery because the hymen just kind of stretches usually and it should only hurt a little bit or not at all i hate that girls use words like sl.ut and who.re to insult other girls when using those words actually insult and shame all females for having bodies and using them i hate that i know i am going to get comments on this telling me how wrong i am about all of this (probably to the tune of "i'm not like other girls" or "but girls actually do x and y" ) i hate that it is socially acceptable to hate yourself but not to love yourself i hate that it is okay for guys to take revealing pictures of women without their consent and post them on the internet but we laugh at girls who take selfies even though they are just taking control of how they're seen i hate that we shame the girls who send the nu.de photos but not the guys who show them to their friends and send them around i hate the attitude people have towards periods in general because god damn we can't help it the only way to stop having periods is to get pregnant i think girls need to be a lot nicer to each other.
hey everyone i have a really important message: be an organ donor. i know that most of my quotes are lighthearted or whatever but this is so so so important to me. you don't need your organs after you die!!! you're dead!!! and one person's body can save/improve up to fifty people's lives. fifty. my dad was one of those fifty. he was less than a week away from dying when he got the lungs of a woman who died in a car crash and the lungs mean he can live for at least another three years and he can walk and talk!! i got to go to a massive church service of people who got transplants and people whose loved ones donated organs and it was truly the most moving thing i have ever seen because both sides see each other as heroes and everyone was so f/ucking thankful. it's just a box to tick. all you have to do is tick the box saying yes i want to be an organ donor for the love of god tick the box you can save so many lives and if you're under 18 tell your parents that you want to because they can make it happen if you die unexpectedly i know that sounds really morbid but this is really important
today i was at the gym and as i walked to the showers i heard loud music coming from a room at the end of the hallway, so i walked over to see what was going on. there, in a darkened room, a middle aged man was alone, peddling furiously on one of the bike machines and passionately mouthing the words to "single ladies".
you cut up a thing that's alive and beautiful to find out how it's alive and why it's beautiful, and before you know it, it's neither of those things, and you're standing there with blood on your face and tears in your sight and only the terrible ache of guilt to show for it.
let's play a game called "watch tumblr and twitter react to Dylan Sprouse's nudes" "dylan should have just been like nah that was cole" mr moseby voice: "NO DI/CK PICKS IN MY LOBBY" "disney: the suite life on di/ck." "i just saw dylan sprouse's prndl!" "the suite life of co.ck and cody" "dylan sprouse puts the D in disney"
boy: "lizzy!!! i've been working out so much and i finally have a six pack! feel it! feel it!" *rolls self towards me with shirt pulled up to his neck but ends up falling onto the floor because he's an idiot*
okay so at my gym there's this guy with red hair and he is literally always there but i'd see him and then five minutes later see him with a completely different outfit and hairstyle so i thought he just changed clothes multiple times during his workout or i'd look away from him and then he'd be at the other side of the room like instantly? so i thought he was some kind of teleporting alien with a weird clothing obsession today i saw him talking to another him twins. i thought of a teleporting fashionista alien but i didnt even consider that he might have a twin. twins.
Y'know, sadly enough, i used to be kinda disappointed when my quotes got 200 - 300 favourites and i'd go through and delete all the ones that got under 500 faves because i was ashamed of my own un-funnyness god damn the times have changed
sO I JUST HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFULLY CLICHED FIRST DATE IN THE WORLD he took me to the movies and paid for the tickets and we did that dumb brushing fingers in the popcorn thing and held hands and then he walked me home while still holding my hand and kissed me in the driveway this is so disgustingly cute ughhgbghghhghgbghg also i saw this old friend i haven't talked to in a few years and she looked at me and said hi. then she looked at him and her eyes got really big and she kind of gasped and gave me a really enthusiastic thumbs up and mouthed, "well done!!!!!"