theWalrus's Quotes

theWalrus
posted a quote
February 26, 2014 10:20pm UTC

Job interview:
*What are your hobbies*
I do a lot of community service
I get straight As
I'm the supreme ruler of hell
I was in the marching band
And I play soccer too

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 5 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
February 26, 2014 9:27pm UTC

I don't even have to try to be funny to make people laugh.
All I have to do is tell them about my week.
Because my whole life is joke.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 7 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
February 15, 2014 5:50pm UTC

Any size pizza
can be a personal size if you're lonely enough

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 4 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
February 13, 2014 7:01pm UTC

*Me every other year*
Alone on Valentine's day again. Bummer.
*This year*
Guy: Hey do you want to go out to eat on valenti...
Me: Could you not.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 3 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
January 25, 2014 4:00pm UTC

Lonely person problem:
Not sure if my phone is broken or if no one has texted me for 3 days

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 7 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
January 24, 2014 10:27am UTC

Wow,
It's almost as cold as my soul outside

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 8 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
January 16, 2014 7:41pm UTC

I like my men how I like my coffee,
ground up and in the freezer

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 5 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
December 17, 2013 5:07pm UTC

If an old fat man with a white beard
wakes you up in the middle of the night and puts you in a sack
You should probably be afraid because I hired an assassin

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 11 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
December 12, 2013 8:10pm UTC

Guys, please pray for my boyfriend.
He's in the hospital suffering from a severe case of non-existence. Thank you for your support

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 36 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
December 9, 2013 3:32pm UTC

I'd like to open an all you can eat restaurant
but just give people one serving and tell them that's all they can eat

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 14 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
December 9, 2013 12:31pm UTC

life motto for finals week:
thick headbands are for hiding dirty hair.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 2 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
December 8, 2013 7:05pm UTC

My life
has just been a 19 year long game
of avoiding anyone who might want to talk to me.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 8 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
December 8, 2013 7:01pm UTC

I don't think you have any idea what it's like to be in my shoes.
I honestly don't think you've ever experienced anything like this.
I mean, they're just so comfortable. My feet never hurt.
Have you ever felt anything so soft?

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 9 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
December 6, 2013 9:23pm UTC

click to see this quote

👍 this is good · read the comments · 8 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
December 1, 2013 5:36pm UTC

I made sure to not fluff up the Christmas tree too much
on the bottom to ensure my BMW would fit under it

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 7 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
November 26, 2013 10:41pm UTC

Life Rule:
If the people I'm seeing today haven't seen me
in these clothes this week,
they're clean clothes.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 2 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
November 23, 2013 7:17pm UTC

I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life by
myself after I bury your body in my backyard

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 6 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
November 22, 2013 4:40pm UTC

Not to get technical,
but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 27 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
November 14, 2013 8:29pm UTC

Some nights I'm like:
F/ck yea, I'm so awesome
Then other nights I'm like:
D': WHY DOES MY FACE HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THIS

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 5 points

theWalrus
posted a quote
November 14, 2013 7:36pm UTC

My single best talent:
Being friendly to people then avoiding them the rest of my life

👍 this is good · read the comments · 44 points

Witty Profiles

theWalrus