Witty Profiles

menu
sign in or join

theWalrus

  1. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2014 10:36pm UTC
    It's ok if you don't laugh at my jokes
    because I'll laugh enough for the both of us

  2. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    June 18, 2014 3:18pm UTC
    On the train after random inspections:
    White girl #1: omg did you get searched?
    White girl #2: Yes, I can't believe they picked me.
    #2: I almost cried.
    #1: You know it's because they profile people.
    #2: I know it's not even fair. That's discrimination.
    Me: What.

  3. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    June 13, 2014 8:49pm UTC
    Mom: I'm watching that Kardashian show
    Mom: I have to see her baby. Cayenne is going to be there
    Me: Cayenne?
    Sister: Pepper!
    Mom: Whatever. I need to see it.

  4. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    June 5, 2014 10:02pm UTC
    click to see this quote

  5. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    May 11, 2014 8:07pm UTC
    I dont even know how to skinny dip
    I only know how to chunky dunk and fatty flop

  6. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    April 29, 2014 1:10am UTC
    Basically the only time
    I stop being a nice person is during hockey playoffs

  7. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    April 24, 2014 10:51pm UTC
    Finals week
    Where showers dont matter
    And alcohol is the best study skill

  8. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    April 24, 2014 10:44pm UTC
    My boyfriend is kind of like my soul.
    I sold them both to satan.

  9. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    April 24, 2014 8:44pm UTC
    It doesn’t make sense to call ourselves ugly,
    because we don’t really see ourselves. We don’t watch ourselves sleeping in bed,
    curled up and silent with chests rising and falling with our own rhythm.
    We don’t see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing.
    You don’t see yourself looking at someone with love and care inside your heart.
    There’s no mirror in your way when you’re laughing and smiling
    and happiness is leaking out of you.
    You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are
    if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly yourself

  10. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    April 24, 2014 6:55pm UTC
    I think netflix would work great as dating site.
    "Here are 9 other singles in your area who also watched pokemon for 12 hours straight"

  11. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    April 18, 2014 2:17pm UTC
    I am at that awkward age
    where half my friends are engaged and having babies
    and the other half are too drunk to even find their phones

  12. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    April 15, 2014 9:23pm UTC
    Two guys walk into a bar
    You'd think the second one would duck

  13. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    April 10, 2014 8:52pm UTC
    Guys today I ate 3500 calories and lost 2 pounds
    I think satan himself has damned my stomach as the deepest pit in all of hell

  14. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    April 10, 2014 8:43pm UTC
    Reasons to date me:
    1) Sometimes I'm funny
    2) You'll never go hungry because I always have food
    3) That's pretty much it

  15. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    April 7, 2014 4:38pm UTC
    Why do teenage girls hang out in odd numbers?
    Because they can't even

  16. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    March 29, 2014 9:01pm UTC
    I was trying to get wifi at school
    and one of the options was to connect to Billy Bob's Por n Hut.

  17. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    March 16, 2014 5:19pm UTC
    Today in the garbage
    there were three pregnancy tests
    next to an empty solo cup.
    St. Patty strikes again.

  18. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    March 13, 2014 9:36pm UTC
    Guys say girls are confusing but thats not really true.
    All you have to do is buy me food and I will literally cut my heart out
    and give it to you if thats what you want

  19. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    March 9, 2014 7:26pm UTC
    "What's the difference between a knife and a Cadillac?"
    "I don't have a Cadillac in my pocket. Get in the van."

  20. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    March 8, 2014 12:56am UTC
    Things I look for in a soulmate:
    1) He has to be taller than me
    2) You have to be able to match me in an eating contest
    3) That's pretty much it

:)

Join · Top Quotes · New Quotes · Random · Chat · Add Quote · Rules · Privacy Policy · Terms of Use · Full Site
© 2003-2024 Witty Profiles