theWalrus's Quotes

theWalrus
posted a quote
November 10, 2013 5:26pm UTC

Person: I'm having a heart attack!
Witty: HOLD ON
Witty: You can't just diagnose yourself like that
Witty: I have had heart attacks for 5 years now
Witty: I know what it feels like to have a real heart attack
Person: *dies*
Witty: pshh, stop being an attention who/re

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theWalrus
posted a quote
November 8, 2013 9:52pm UTC

I'm generally a really nice person
but there is this guy I don't really like,
and the night I was avoiding him I had a dream
that he died in a plane crash and I was super sad and felt really awful
and I wish my mind would let me be mean for once I mean being nice is good
but sometimes you just need to be able to imagine brutally murdering someone without feeling guilty

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theWalrus
posted a quote
October 31, 2013 7:56pm UTC

*In Class Yesterday*
Teacher: Who's dressing up for halloween tomorrow? What are you guys going to be?
Kid in back of class: Hungover
Teacher: Haha me too.
Teacher: Actually that's what I am today

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theWalrus
posted a quote
October 30, 2013 10:32pm UTC

Oh my god I cant handle people touching me
like when guys try to hug me it's just like
80/20 chance I will punch you in the throat

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theWalrus
posted a quote
October 30, 2013 10:25pm UTC

*At my rugby game*
During half time
Coach: I want to see you guys f/ck them in the as$
Teammate: I'm going to f/ck them in the a$s so hard
Teammate: Let's go out there and kill a b/tch
This is the story of how rugby players are classy as f/ck

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theWalrus
posted a quote
October 17, 2013 9:08pm UTC

Hey what time is it?
"Time for you to get a watch"
Really? I thought it was time for you to get a new joke.

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theWalrus
posted a quote
October 17, 2013 5:00pm UTC

I would love you Monday,
through 'til Sunday

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theWalrus
posted a quote
October 6, 2013 7:16pm UTC

*shopping with my brother*
Dude: Hey man
Brother: Hey
Dude: Is this your little sister?
Brother: Yea
Dude: So your name is Katie?
Dude: And your a sophmore?
Dude: and you have another sister, named Michelle?
Me: Yea
Brother: Are you stalking my life?
Dude: No, remember that time I was talking about how I was going to f/ck your sisters?
Me: 0.0

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theWalrus
posted a quote
October 3, 2013 8:40pm UTC

It makes me so sad when people think no one will ever love them.
Seriously, psychopaths on death row have people fall in love with them. Someone will love the sh/t out of you someday.
It’s going to happen and you’ll be happy.

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theWalrus
posted a quote
October 3, 2013 8:36pm UTC

>>> Discussing politics on witty

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theWalrus
posted a quote
October 2, 2013 9:03pm UTC

Guy: Hey you look cold, do you want my jacket?
Me: No thanks, I'm ok
And this is a story of how I never learned how to interact with attractive members of the male species

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theWalrus
posted a quote
September 30, 2013 7:32pm UTC

The feels on the bus go round and round

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theWalrus
posted a quote
September 29, 2013 4:35pm UTC

If you were a fruit
you'd be a fineapple

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theWalrus
posted a quote
September 29, 2013 1:05pm UTC

Day 5 without nutella:
If only I had bought a bigger jar
*Cries*

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theWalrus
posted a quote
September 27, 2013 12:55pm UTC

Day three after devouring all of the nutella:
Rage ensues