erinj1115's Favorites

happiest*
posted a quote
June 3, 2013 3:45pm UTC

Kid I babysit: There's a monster under my bed!.
Me: That's silly there's no such thing as- OMG IT'S TEARING MY ARM!
Me: Just kidding, he only eats kids.
Me: Goodnight.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 388 points

happiest*
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 5:30pm UTC

Teacher: Where's your homework?
Me: Where's Leonardo dicaprio's oscar?

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Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
May 20, 2013 5:24pm UTC

If you ever have children you could introduce them to people by saying,
"Hey, wanna see what I made?"

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Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
May 5, 2013 4:34pm UTC

Once my friend was waiting for her mom to pick her up and she called her
mom and her mom said, "I'm on my way. Traffic is just slow." and my friend said, "Mom, I called the house phone."

👍 this is good · read the comments · 363 points

sammy*
posted a quote
May 10, 2013 4:26pm UTC

Teacher: No food in class.
Me: Listen up I did not just wake up at 6 AM, almost miss my bus,
skip breakfast, and come here to starve all day. If I want my pop tarts
I am sure as heck not gonna sit in here for an hour without eating
you got that? Now go grade my test which you have
been "grading" for a month now.
Got it? good.
Me: *eats pop tarts*

👍 this is good · read the comments · 343 points

wittyquotesgurl
posted a quote
May 7, 2013 7:58pm UTC

Person: you have a pimple on your face
Me:
Me: woah thank you
Me: i wasn't aware at all
Me: i must have been too dumb to notice it in the first place
Me: if you had never told me, who knows how long that pimple was going to be on my face
Me: well i guess now that you informed me..
Me: i shall sprinkle fairy dust on my face to make it disappear
Me: anyways, thanks again
Me: i really appreciate it
hope you noticed the sarcasm

👍 this is good · read the comments · 155 points

ChocoTaco
posted a quote
May 7, 2013 5:03pm UTC

Elementary School: Here's a basic understanding of history and how the world works.
High School: Actually, that's not quite right. Everything is much more complicated than that.
College: Everything you ever learned is wrong.
History Channel: Aliens.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 322 points

BravoSierra
posted a quote
May 7, 2013 12:58pm UTC

BravoSierra's format
A mosquito just landed on my boyfriend's face.
It was one of the hardest decesions of my life.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 159 points

Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
May 3, 2013 4:12pm UTC

Pollen: *accidentally enters my body*
Immune System: What the hell is that?
Pollen: Hey, sorry. We got a bit lost. The wind kinda bl--
Immune System: We're under attack!
Pollen: What?! No! We just got lo--
Immune System: Open the floodgates!
Pollen: The what?
Mucas Membranes: Sir. All the floodgates?
Immune System: All of them.
Pollen: Wait. Wait. You don't...oh sh--
*dramatic music*
Me: *sneezes*

👍 this is good · read the comments · 432 points

Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
April 30, 2013 2:26pm UTC

How do people even invent math stuff? Like, who the f.uck was sitting
around a hundred years ago or whatever and thought to themselves, "You know what we need? Negative exponents."

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yourcool
posted a quote
April 1, 2013 7:34pm UTC

99.9% of my sentences start with
- oh my god
- yeah
- no
- basically
- wait
- so yeah
- like
- you know
- oh
- uhm
- what
- well
- but
- dude
- listen here you little sh/t

👍 this is good · read the comments · 668 points

Eli22b
posted a quote
April 12, 2013 5:15pm UTC

Just because someone supports gay rights,
doesn't mean they're gay. I mean I support animal rights,
do I look like an f.cking alpaca to you?

👍 this is good · read the comments · 797 points

BravoSierra
posted a quote
April 23, 2013 12:46pm UTC

BravoSierra's format
Do you have 11 protons?
because you are sodium fine.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 164 points

Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
April 22, 2013 6:37pm UTC

Things that make me fall asleep really fast
-When someone hums quietly
-When my hair gets played with
-When someone whispers a story to me
-When someone traces my skin
-Chloroform

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Cammie
posted a quote
April 23, 2013 7:59pm UTC

At Wal-Mart & saw a sign over the sink: "Employees must wash hands."
I was stuck in there for 45 minutes before one showed up to wash mine.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 253 points

kristabff
posted a quote
April 25, 2013 6:28pm UTC

I'm so lazy
I can't even finish this sen

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 298 points

Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
April 22, 2013 2:43pm UTC

What if 911 called you?
"Hello, this is 911. You have an emergency. I can sense it."

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BravoSierra
posted a quote
April 25, 2013 12:58pm UTC

BravoSierra's format
Don't judge a book by it's cover.
my math book has a picture of someone enjoying themself.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 518 points

Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
April 20, 2013 2:15pm UTC

Google: Why does my cat lick me?
John Green: Okay, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret
John Green: Cat's believe that all other organisms are cats.
John Green: Once you realize that, a lot of cat behaviour begins to make sense.
John Green: So, why does your cat lick you?
John Green: Because it thinks it's grooming you.
John Green: So, when your cat licks you, he's thinking--"I love you, gigantic, hairless cat. And to show you, I will lick you."

👍 this is good · read the comments · 378 points

kristabff
posted a quote
April 24, 2013 4:10pm UTC

I have this really unnatractive
thing on my head called my face

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