Dear the girl with the locker next to me
Dear the girl with the locker next to me
I cannot explain to you how much I hate you
Or maybe it can only not be explained because it is not hate
Maybe it is because it is jealousy mixed in with a desire to rip you apart
Dear the girl with the locker next to me
You come to school every day in violation of some seemingly simple rule
Because to you it is more important to show some more skin and be unbuttoned
Then to follow the guidelines set out before you for your own safety
But when the teacher scolds you I watch as you stomp to the locker
Flipping your hair complaining about what other people do
Saying he makes you want to kill yourself, making me listen to you
Dear the girl with the locker next to me
Do you really want to kill yourself
Does your own ignorance and stupidity give you the right to say you want to die
Do you know what it means to walk through the hallways each day
And in your mind, just in case, whisper each person a goodbye.
Dear the girl with the locker next to me
The first time you said those words I forgave you, figured you were having a rough day
The second time I thought of how you don’t know how lucky you are
The third time I wondered what makes you think saying that is okay
The fourth time I thought of the days when I dreamed of nooses and knives and pills
The fifth time I wondered if when I got home my best friend would still be alive
The sixth time I decided that you were stuck up
The seventh time I whispered that people like you are what made me want to kill myself
The eighth time I wanted to offer to kill you because if you were really suicidal you would graciously accept
The ninth time I complimented you on your hair hoping it would shut your self-centered self up
The tenth time I realized how jealous I was that you could say those words without knowing the meaning
Dear the girl with the locker next to me
I challenge you to stand on a rooftop, look down, and imagine what it would feel like to jump
I challenge you to hold a blade to your wrist for hours fighting the urge to drag it across leaving a trail of crimson blood
I challenge you to stare at a bottle of pills wondering if they are the answer
I challenge you to be afraid of knives because you don’t know what you will do to yourself
I challenge you to be afraid of heights because you don’t trust yourself enough not to jump
I challenge you to look at every passing car as an opportunity for death
I challenge you to fight the demons that run around in my head
I challenge you to stay up all night sobbing, texting your best friend
I challenge you to pretend that you are fine when you are dying inside
I challenge you to wake up every morning wondering if your best friend is still alive
I challenge you to spend every hour of every day hating yourself, convincing yourself that if you were gone no one would miss you
I challenge you to say you want to kill yourself only when you mean it
Dear the girl with the locker next to me
You are not suicidal
I have mulled it over and decided you just couldn’t be
Because if you really wanted to kill yourself
You would know how much those five words mean
And you wouldn’t scream them to everyone in the hallways and me.
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