eehhh im supposed to say stuff here.... soo WORDS WORDS WORDS!!!!! IM WRITING SOOO MANY WORDS THIS IS THE BEST MOST ELL WRITTEN THING YOUVE EVER READ!!!
camdenicole posted a quote
January 18, 2012 10:08pm UTC
~numb~ what is happening to me? not only my body feels sleep deprived but my mind too. my brain feels slugishly numb, like im aware of my surroundings but im in a dream state. that song keeps playing in my head and while i listen, i think of my relationships with everyone that has come to ruins. my mouth is dry and there is pain piercing my palms but i have trouble locating my voice under all the numb layers. im trapped under a quilt suffocating. i cant seem to let out a scream, not even a breath. my lungs ache, but i dont dare mov., i simply sit there and take it all, allow it to take over me.
camdenicole posted a quote
January 18, 2012 10:04pm UTC
3 spring haikus for art class: the wind wistling by, 5 the bright hite sun sparkling 7 in the crisp spring air. 5 new life spilling out, 5 beautiful blooming buds form, 7 dancing in the air. 5 waking up to find 5 dew forming on the short grass 7 with the fresh rain smell. 5
camdenicole posted a quote
January 18, 2012 10:00pm UTC
~loss~ there are so many emotions in me that i feel as if i may explode. all of the tears are welled up inside of my chest begging for an escape but i refuse to let them leave because i know the moment i start to cry, i may never be able to stop.at this point i dont know what to do, i couldnt take it if i lost him and i fear i might. the pain is overwhelming and i dont know what to do or how to deal with it but it hurts. the tears are dripping onto my cracked broken heart like acid and ripping holes right through it. i am a mess and im forced searching for a solution to my happiness again. it left me long ago and ive been too busy searching for a substitute to realize that its right infront of me, teasing me,threatening to leave me alone in the darkness again. i dont think i can stand going back there. things happen. you find yourself lost in insanity from being alone and start to imagine stuff. voices. whole conversations. its depressing and i cant bare the thought of it ever returning to me .
~leech~ i dont know what to do, i want to cry so bad. my heart feels like its swelling and might explode from the infection. i feel numb. i dont want to move or speak, i just want to sit here and be swallowed in self pity. i just feel empty. i dont feel like i have a purpose. i have that pain in my throat from trying to keep myself from crying. but why am i hiding this> i dont care who is watching, who sees. i just want to let the tears escape from my eyes. just let them fall. i dont know what i should do and i dont even know what i want. i dont know if i want to just continue to try to forget him or if i want to cling to him, i need him. i feel so selfish because if he does still feel the way he used to, i wpuldnt want him back for that reason. i would want to have him back because i need him. i miss him. i miss being proud to say he was mine. i miss the way we would both turn shy if people were around. i miss how he would help shove out all of the negative in my life and fill my mind with thoughts of him.
~conflicted~ i dont know what to do. ive never conflicted with my mind like this before. everytime i think of it, it makes me ant to cry... then i remember people are around me and i put on my smile and try to act the same. ive loved him for so long, all i would think about was him and every time he txted me i would blush and smile at the thought of him. now i try not to think of him and whenever he texts me i feel... strange, like im a bad person. his friend said he is starting to like me and we are getting closer each day he is one of my best friends, but thats the problem. im starting to think of him as a friend and nothing more. i really wish i didnt feel this way but i think i might be falling out of love with him, and i miss him already. i kno im bad for him anyway and i know that if he decides that he really does like me, that i can no longer speak to him... end any pain and conflicting minds. i really need to clear my head... to tell someone but i dont know if i can tell anyone. im afraid and i dont know why.
camdenicole posted a quote
January 13, 2012 10:46pm UTC
Read if you love & believe in God. A girl went to a party and she ended up staying longer than she planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town, and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. when she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been killed in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered. "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 97% of teenagers will not stand up for God? Re-post this if you truly believe in God. PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what. "If you deny me in front of your friends, I shall deny you in front of my Father." STAND UP FOR HIM. 51% won't re-post this. Be part if the 49% who will
~the way i feel~ i hate this, the way i feel. as if im nothing, as if it doesn't make a difference whether im here or not. i don't feel like there is one person that i can tell everything because i cant be sure that there is one person who wont judge me for anything at all. i have more secrets than ever before. i mostly keep to myself and i don't like it. i don't like hiding the way i feel from my friends, smiling and laughing when all i want to do is scream and cry. i don't feel like i can trust them. i feel so alone. my friends are just.... there. not helping, not making things worse, not impacting my life at all... but just there swaying in the background of my life. so many thoughts have crossed my mind, of ways to numb the pain.. ive found that i cant make it go away but i can make it decrease a little where it is easier to bear. right now there is nothing i want more than a friend i can talk to, tell EVERYTHING. i have a best friend and i tell her, "everything"... there are just certain things that im not sure if even she will dislike and judge .
~thinking of him~ so much time has passed and i feel the same if not worse... i wasn't expecting this. everyone told me i would get over it, over him. but i cant. it hurts so much, all i ever feel is pain and regret. i feel like there is a hole in my chest where my heart should be and i can actually feel it ache. every night i fall asleep listening to music and reminiscing.. thinking about him and how happy he made me. how much he made me blush. how much i loved him. he told me he loved me and i never said it back, i was too afraid, and now its too late. he loved me and i love him. im willing to admit it now, before i was always too afraid to actually say it, but i really wish i had.. i wish i had told him while i had the chance, when it could have made a difference. but he is gone and there is nothing i can do to bring him back. i thought as time passed it would get easier but its getting harder. i miss him. if i could go back in time i would change everything, i would have said it back, i would not have freaked over every little thing, and i would have given him more freedom, i would have trusted him. and writing this doesn't fix anything, it doesn't change, i still feel the same. i will still fall asleep tonight thinking of him .
~waiting~ i hate when you are waiting for someone to text you and you just want to sit and stare at the phone but you resist. you turn it over or push it away so you cant see it. you loose your mind in the waiting . and every time your phone goes off, you look quick and hope its them even though you know it wont be, and it isn't. its not the person who inflicts pain on you but yet you cant seem to stay away, no, its someone who is always there for you and you just want them to leave because you want the pain. you want to talk to him no matter what, even if it takes pain. i want the pain, i want to talk to him. but the pain wont come, so i continue to wait.
~how to act~ here you are on my mind yet again. i cant stop thinking about you and i know better than to let my mind wonder because when i do, im only letting myself drown in the pain. i see how you look at her and how you act around her and i just cant help but wonder.. why dont you look at me like that anymore? why dont you act like that around me anymore? your friends tell me you dont know how to act but you dont seem to have that problem when shes around. now im dreading going to school because i dont want to see you. i hope you decide soon "how to act" around me because im so close to just letting go.
the fear of love- i dont understand how in an instant i can be right back where i used to be, sitting here in the same place where i was only a few months ago, and i cant stand it. it scares me. what if i cant leave this time? what if im stuck like this? stuck in this place where all i can think about is how all life does is go wrong. all that i ever feel is pain. i think i know love but its not really love that im feeling, its pain and fear.. fear that this "love" will cause more pain. i fear that it will cause more harm than good. so i sit quiet and listen and dont say a word. too afraid to ever tell how i feel because im afraid that the day when i open my mouth is the day when the pain escalates and becomes unbearable.
falling- As I was walking alone in the woods, I tripped and fell into a pit. This pit was titled love. It seemed to have no end, it just continued on forever. Each time I saw you, I fell deeper. Each time I spoke to you, I fell deeper. I fell so far into this pit that I was blinded so all I saw was your love. I was paralyzed so all I could feel was your love. And the beating of my heart every time I thought of you was all that filled my ears. This pit has consumed me. I did not jump, I was not pushed, but I fell. And now my love for you has consumed me and all that surrounds me is my longing to be with you.