It hurts. Everything just hurts. It's not numb, it's not in the background anymore, it's everywhere and everything. It's all I think about. It overtakes anything. It kills me slowly from the inside, and I don't always know how to cope. I can't eat anymore, it hurts so much when I do that I almost black out. I am so close to relapse everyday that it scares me, and I have once come so close to a relapse that I just screamed instead, I pushed everyone away, and I just sat there. I just sat shaking, trying to calm down alone. It sounds like the worst thing that you could do, but when I am alone - Like, all alone - I can clear my mind. I can stop it all. I can deal with it, without it being chaos. Because when it's chaos, I can't cope. When I can't cope, I relapse. And if I do end up relapsing, I know I'll break. I'll break, and I refuse to do that. Not when I still have some control left. It might not be much, but if I let go of that... No, I won't let go of that. I have done things I am not happy about, but I can't let go, not just yet. I will keep trying, whether it's for the next few days, or the next few months, I will keep trying until I can not hold on. Then, and only then, might I let go, give in. Relapse, stop causing hate and guilt and disappointment to those around me. Just let it all take over. Let it end. Let it all stop and end and be over.
That will be my relief.
One day.