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wittygiraffelover
posted a quote
July 7, 2012 11:08pm UTC

Parents:Who are you texting?
Parents:Who are you calling?
Parents:Who are you chatting with?
Me:Jake from State Farm.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 848 points

howphunny
posted a quote
July 6, 2012 10:21am UTC

Me: Who made the first fruitstand?
Mom: I don't know, who?
Me: Eve.
Mom: Why?
Me: 'Cause she made Adam's banana stand.
Mom:...
Me: ....
Mom: The real world isn't ready for you, go back to your computer.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1197 points

pleasespeaktomyface
posted a quote
July 4, 2012 5:28pm UTC

Did you hear Adele is pregnant?
Well, I guess someone has been rolling in her deep.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 309 points

MyNamesDillon
posted a quote
July 4, 2012 7:04pm UTC

lol, its okay.
You only f/cking broke me.
nmf/tumblr.(:
-Format credit to ThatsSoMeee

👍 this is good · read the comments · 412 points

Bravosierra*
posted a quote
July 4, 2012 5:07pm UTC

So wait....
When my parents played peek a boo with me when I was a kid..
They didn't actually disappear?

👍 this is good · read the comments · 638 points

yourcool
posted a quote
June 21, 2012 8:12pm UTC

me: *calls grocery store* do you have cotton balls?
guy on phone: yes.
me: does it tickle when you walk?
guy on phone: *click*

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1201 points

JustAnotherWittyGuy
posted a quote
June 21, 2012 4:12pm UTC

You better
take good care of your eyes, because they're
the only balls you've got...
-Format credit to ThatsSoMeee

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1310 points

DreamOutLoud127
posted a quote
June 22, 2012 10:07pm UTC

How To Freak People Out #1
run into a random crowd, hug the first person you see and scream, "I TOLD YOU I'D GET OUT OF PRISON!!"
comment if you think i should make a series, im not doing this for likes i just want to know if anyone would actually read it :)

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1502 points

elena_krkr_
posted a quote
May 2, 2012 1:35pm UTC

Boy:I wanna be a superhero guess my name
Girl:'Superman?Iroman?
Boy:YOURMAN :)

👍 this is good · read the comments · 125 points

elena_krkr_
posted a quote
May 15, 2012 10:48am UTC

Yes Dad,every guy I know is my boyfriend-_-

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 11 points

posted a quote
January 1, 1970 12:00am UTC

This quote does not exist.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 814 points

Fitness
posted a quote
June 27, 2012 4:34pm UTC

You want a flat tummy?
First off, it's not going to come easy, and if you're not consistent, you'll never get a flat stomach.
Everyone's body is different, but here are some basic guidelines:
- Drink at least three cups of tea a day, and 8 cups of water.
- Make sure you get enough sleep. Without sleep, your metabolism will slow down, making it harder to burn fat.
- Suck in your stomach. It works your abs.
- Drink a cup of water before and after every meal , you'll feel full faster.
- If you want abs, lift weights.
- Do abdominal exersizes everyday.
- Do 30 mins. of cardio daily, and toning exersizes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_1e7g1Smks&feature=channel&list=UL ) three of four times a week.
-No junk food. No fast food. Eat fruits, grains, nuts, and fresh meat instead.
- Do not starve yourself. This will slow down your metabolism, will bring out stored fat (which, yes, means you'll gain weight) and may even bloat you.
- If you have more than a bit of flab to loose, do more cardio.
- Drink water with lemon, it raises your metabolism.
- Don't eat anything after dinner, you may not be able to work it off.
Note; This is what I do. It may not work for you, but there's no harm in trying.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 362 points

yourcool
posted a quote
June 27, 2012 7:36pm UTC

She was like the moon;
part of her was always hidden away.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 557 points

neonbubbles
posted a quote
June 27, 2012 6:05pm UTC

doctor:so what kind of birth control are you using?
me: my appearance

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1076 points

jimmy365
posted a quote
June 27, 2012 4:33pm UTC

Below is a list of all those who have a crush on me:
format by jimmy365

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1459 points

yourcool
posted a quote
June 23, 2012 7:38pm UTC

I think I need better glasses.
everywhere I look, people are two-faced.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 475 points

softballgurl
posted a quote
June 21, 2012 9:31am UTC

I have always wanted to be that one girlwho comes back to school, completely different and really beautiful this year I've decided to make that happen, of course, with the support of you witty girls Feel free to follow my plan and commment for tips and ideas.Step 1: Exercise every morning. A "wake-up" jog for 15-30 minutes.Step 2: Use Face cleaner to make my skin smooth and perfect.Step 3: Grow out hair, pretty long and right before school get it layered, angled and styled.Step 4: Get a flat tummy with a hint of abs. (Sit-ups, Pull-ups and running.)Step 5: Redo my wardrobe. Buy some really pretty clothes from places like HCO, A&F, Delias, & AE. Step 6: Go to the pool more often and swim 15-50 laps at a time.Step 7: Learn how to do my makeup perfectly for my face.Step 8: Host more sleepovers, parties and social events at my house.Step 9: Ideas??? Comment to the right ------------------>> please!!!Thanks to all my "witty-girls" who support me!

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1158 points

Moonlightmadness
posted a quote
June 20, 2012 8:10pm UTC

I went to jail 3 times today.
I suck at Monopoly.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 632 points

BlackButterflies
posted a quote
June 16, 2012 4:18am UTC

just imagine
if a random stranger walked up to you,
whispered your wittyprofiles username in your ear,
and then ran away.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1624 points

Anthony96
posted a quote
June 13, 2012 2:45pm UTC

True Story
Friends: Why are you so nice to others?
Me: You never know what they're going through.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1528 points

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