70 ways to order a pizza the fun way...
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
3. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
4. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
5. Answer their questions with questions.
6. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
7. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
8. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
9. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
10. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
11. Stutter on the letter "p."
12. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
13. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
14. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
15. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
16. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.
17. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
18. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
19. Change your accent every three seconds.
20. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
21. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
22. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
23. Rent a pizza.
24. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
25. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
26. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
27. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
28. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
29. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
30. Imitate the order taker's voice.
31. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
32. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
33. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
34. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
35. Ask to see a menu.
36. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
37. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
38. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
39. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
40. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
41. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
42. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
43. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
44. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
45. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
46. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
47. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
48. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
49. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
50. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
51. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
52. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
53. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
54. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
55. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
56. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
57. Be vague in your order.
58. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
59. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
60. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
61. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
59. Put them on hold.
60. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'.
61. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
63. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
64. Order a one-inch pizza.
65. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
66. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
67. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
68. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
69. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
70. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
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