"Hey, y'know what Motel 6 and 
Luke's jeans have in common?
There's no ball room."

"Alright. It's startin' early.
You want to play that game, huh?
Here's how it goes, here's how it goes:
y'all know what Blake's jeans..
Blake's jeans are like buyin' somethin' on credit. 
Nothin' up front. 
I mean, uh, what size are those?
Extra empty?"

"Okay, listen. I want y'all to know
that in real life - shut up.
I want y'all to know that in real life,
Luke and I are actually buddies."

"Yeah, right, this isn't some made-up
country fiction, like that show 'Nashville',
where a faded, ageing country superstar is
forced to team up with a hot, young sensation."

"...Luke and I used to be good buddies."

"Ahw, c'mon man! This isn't about us,
it's about the show! Let's see, who's in
the crowd tonight? Where's she at?There's
the beautiful miss Kelly Clarkson, right there!"

"Hey, y'know, uh, Kelly recently got engaged,
and the lucky man she got engaged to
happens to be my manager."

"Well, congratulations to him for finally
surrounding himself with some real talent...
Sorry."

"And what would a country show be
without Carrie Underwood, everybody, huh?
And y'know, Carrie recently said that
she loves her husband so much that if
he ever asked her to give up her career,
she would do it for him. Do you think you could
ever show that kind of love and commitment?
If your partner asked you to quit?"

"Yeah, I-i totally could, man. I could."

"Good, I'm asking you to quit.
I'm beggin' you to quit, please."

"Uh, not gonna happen. Not in a million years.
Let's move on... Where's Lady Antebellum?
Where's Hilary Scott?
Hey, Hilary. Congratulations to her and
Chris Tyrell, the drummer of the band.
They're expecting their first baby very soon,
so give it up for 'em."

"Hey, uh, when in the hell did they ever
find time in their schedule to do that?"

"Well, you know how it goes. '
It's a quarter after one, dun got drunk
and I need you now.' I'm just sayin'.
Lota time on the road."

"And we can't forget the biggest stars of
all that are with us tonight. The folks from
Duck Dynasty!"

"Uh, hold on now...
Now, which one o' them is Zac Brown?"

"And to think, I used to be 
the stupid one."

"Yeah. So, uh, you guys heard about the
CBS memo that went out to all the grammy
performers, uh with, with the rules of the show
and performing. Alright, they, uh, there's no
cleavage allowed, no side-boôb - which is tragic,
and, uh, no thong."

"Yeah, but I don't know if you saw they made
our rules a little different here:
it's no beer-bellies, no back fat and no butt cracks."

"...You lookin' good, but uh, I for one am happy
to comply, so...