i dont want a relationship where he brings me out to dinner at some fancy resturant where we have to be quiet & polite, i want one where he takes me out to get ice cream down town, where we can go & sit on a bench & be silly together. i dont want him to be a "goody goody", i want him to call me at 2 in the morning, telling me he will be at the end of my road in five minutes to pick me up; i wouldnt straighten my hair & reapply my make up just to look better for him, i would slip on a baggy sweatshirt & put my hair up in a messy bun. i'd slip out the back door & walk down to where he was parked. then we could sneak around & bond even more. i dont want a p e r f e c t guy. i just want h i m
after almost 2 full months of not cutting, i gave in today. i took the scissors, tears streaming down my face. 3 new red, bubbled up lines. stretching across my wrist. thats all thats left. & all i can say is s o r r y
everytime i paint my nails i always no matter what end up wanting to paint EVERYTHING. my prime example? here it is; me: whaaaaaat color. me: purple. no. fourth of july is tomorrow, lets go blue & red & put sparkles! maybe even a little design. me: yeah, that sounds good. me: okay lets start with blue. now a little swirl of re- FÜCK. me: okay.. lets just splatter paint on top of the blue with some red. me: looks like somebody had their period on my nails. lets fix it with sparkles. me: okay, just a tad bit. me: ohhh fück it. *pours whole thing of glitter on nails* **25 minutes later** me: welp. that looks like complete sh/t. im bored. *opens blue again* me: whaaaaat can i paint. me: *paints on phone charger, bed frame, wall, random peices of paper, whole leg, justin bieber, all cats in the world, & walmart* me: uhhhh.. lets not let mom find out. *walks downstairs* mom: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?! DO I NEED TO TAKE YOUR FINGER NAIL POLISH AWAY? me: i was bored mom. mom: this is something we do when we're 3, not almost 15. *shakes head in disappointment* needless to say, i am no longer alowd to use finger nail polish.
im trying so hard. trying not to cry. trying not to let the depression overcome me again. trying not to disappoint you. trying not to take that razor, & dig it into my wrists. trying not to miss you. trying not to overdose. trying not to do drugs. trying not to give in & call you. trying not to let the eating disorders win this war. trying not to give up. but it's getting to be too hard..