the problem with people like me is that we care too much. we break our hearts into pieces and give them away, until they are all gone. and we try to live with the broken hearts and broken souls we are left with. we sacrifice our own happiness to make others smile. but in the process we lose ourselves. we extinguish the sparks in our eyes and the fire in our bellies in order to fuel the dreams of others. we are the people who laugh at the end of every sentence and place a smiley face at the end of every text, to make sure our friends don’t think we are mad when we say “I need to go.” we are the people with loud thoughts and quiet voices, refusing to speak our minds at the fear of hurting another’s feelings. we are the people who would give our own life to save a stranger.
you see, I wish happiness would hit me at 3am. I wish it would come entering my bedroom with a billion sweet lullabies, when memories started to frighten me like nightmares, ruining my mind during midnight. I wish it would sit next to me while I am surrounded by strange voices and a noisy crowd. I wish it would hug me when I failed to comfort myself. I wish it would smile at me and tell me that I should keep going, that I should keep on living not only by existing. but actually living life the way it should be. I wish happiness will come when I am not expecting it. I wish that it would surprise me when all I feel is sadness. I just thought that maybe it is okay to hope for things to happen in a different way. maybe it is okay to believe that I deserve happiness even if I haven’t felt it for a very long time
and that’s the difference between me and you. i would lay it all on the table and give you whatever you needed even if it meant hurting myself in the process but you only cared about the bare minimum: what made you happy and what didn’t inconvenience you
It’s terrible to see yourself drown into nothingness. You are aware of what's happening but you don’t have enough power left to stop yourself. You don’t have anymore strength left to keep yourself up on your feet. And then you fall. You fall and your heart, locked inside that strong calcium cage, sinks. It sinks into that realm of nothingness. A place where you don’t feel anything. Not love, not hatred, not sorrow, not joy. Absolutely nothing. No one can protect you. No one can get you out of it. All you can do is watch yourself sinking. All you should do is watch yourself sinking, very carefully. You know why? Because nothing falls forever. Yes things do get broken in a hard fall, but once they hit the ground the only task they have left to do is either fix themselves up or build something new out of what's left. All you got to do is watch yourself till you hit the ground.
Please make up your mind. Do you want this to work or not? I’m in this for the long haul but right now with the way you’re playing with my emotions I just don’t know if you want me or if you don’t. All I’m asking is for you to figure it all out.