it was like you could see inside me and you saw that i had so much love to give in this life when i thought i had nothing left. it was insightful and it was endearing. and it was but one of the many things that stole my heart.
You need someone who wants to be there when it’s messy and when it’s hard, not just when it’s fun and when it’s convenient. And you need someone who chooses you when it might not be the easiest choice. And you need someone who would rather do nothing with you than anything in the world with someone else.
Let me tell you what it’s like to love too much. You wake up each morning hoping that you won’t build a home in the wrong person this time, hoping that you won’t give your heart with ease to people who should learn to serve it. You hurt more than others, but you’ve become used to it by now, because you know that feeling this is much better than not feeling at all. You hand fragments of your soul to everyone you care for, in hope that they will cherish it, in hope that they will care in return. And when they don’t, you crave for layers of yourself that will never return - leaving your soul half-empty, leaving you feeling alone. But still, your heart is too big and is unaffected by those who never loved you. And each day, you continue to spill love into the cracks of other people’s hearts. Because you know just what it’s like not to be loved in return, because you’ve been in the same place as them before.
you must be patient, darling. you must learn to wait and watch. i know i am not easy to deal with. i make big deals of little things but i promise you those little things mean everything to me. and my mood matches the weather. when it’s storming, i am shaking at the claps of thunder and the lightning ignites a bright anger from within. in the sunshine, i too am shining, possibly even brighter than the sun. when it’s a gray day, you can find me alone and stuck in my head. for that i am horribly sorry. i am not the best at showing my love but i swear that my eyes will find you when you aren’t looking and i will see the entire universe before me. so this is a letter to you, my love, in hopes the weather won’t get to you too.
I respect your choice, even if it breaks my heart. I will never run after you or beg you to do something you don’t want to. Because that’s how much I love you. To choose your happiness over mine. I won’t be selfish with you. Forced love is not true love.
the problem with people like me is that we care too much. we break our hearts into pieces and give them away, until they are all gone. and we try to live with the broken hearts and broken souls we are left with. we sacrifice our own happiness to make others smile. but in the process we lose ourselves. we extinguish the sparks in our eyes and the fire in our bellies in order to fuel the dreams of others. we are the people who laugh at the end of every sentence and place a smiley face at the end of every text, to make sure our friends don’t think we are mad when we say “I need to go.” we are the people with loud thoughts and quiet voices, refusing to speak our minds at the fear of hurting another’s feelings. we are the people who would give our own life to save a stranger.
you see, I wish happiness would hit me at 3am. I wish it would come entering my bedroom with a billion sweet lullabies, when memories started to frighten me like nightmares, ruining my mind during midnight. I wish it would sit next to me while I am surrounded by strange voices and a noisy crowd. I wish it would hug me when I failed to comfort myself. I wish it would smile at me and tell me that I should keep going, that I should keep on living not only by existing. but actually living life the way it should be. I wish happiness will come when I am not expecting it. I wish that it would surprise me when all I feel is sadness. I just thought that maybe it is okay to hope for things to happen in a different way. maybe it is okay to believe that I deserve happiness even if I haven’t felt it for a very long time