I
Just Need To Put A Few Things Out
Here;
So 2.5 years ago I was
last minutely invided to a girl's; who i literaly only knew
little about, birthday party, by a friend who would soon become
the closest person I would have in my life now. We inmay have
been only like 14 almost 15 or something like that, but there was
this moment that we had that I had noooo idea would change me for
the next 3 years and still going. The moment that I ended up
staring into your eyes i honestly, in the most cliche
movie moment, ever fell for you. After that night ended
it would take me almost 1.5 years after that to even say that I
liked you, then 2 years after finally admit that it grew more
then that. This all may just seem like a plee for attention
to probably most of you, when honestly this is just one whole
vent.
When i was
growing up, I used to be that one kid literaly every one messed
with, basicly because it was easy for everyone. This honestly
turned into me doing stuff that, not even my closest friend knows
about because honestly it still haunts me to this day about half
the stuff that I did just to feel excepted. So threw out the
entire rest of my life, still to this day, everyone i've ever
encounterd I've lied to about the person I am...just to feel
excepted. Now I can't honestly say I've had the worst
childhood, cause I know there's people who've had it alot
worse then I have; see I was literaly born into this huge family
fued that imploaded the minute I was
born.(still goes on to this very day too). See as most kids are
out with their parents playing games, going to fairs, having
birthday party after birthday party, the only people I had to
even occupy and make sure I didn't get into anything, were my
grand parents. For the next, I'd say about 6? years they
basicly tried to be my parents(though they knew they
couldn't) my grandad, who i didn't know at the time just
got done dealing with a major deppression, couldn't
even really do much with me that most grandparents did. See
he lost his leg after falling 3 stories a week before christmas a
year or a few before I was born. So for my entire childhood
I'd wonder why everyone else had these HUGE stories with
their grandparents and mine was just full of playin cards with my
grandmother. I wouldn't find any of this out till i was like
14, so not that long ago.
Back my i guess what you'd call a normal childhood...i guess.
See were I live, at the time there wasn't really anyone
around my age. So I guess to them I was an easy target for all
the ridicule, and well stuff that would happen later that I
don't wanna dig up....any way because of how bad I felt like
I needed to be excepted, I did it all. So after all this, still I
was only treated like just nothing. Soon these people I thought
were my friends, ended up getting me in more trouble then
anything now could have, because they'd pull me in sayin
"Oh no its cool. your parents wont do anything, you'll
be fine." Well, my dad ended up being the one who found out
everything we did..and when I was caught( cause everyone I was
with left me to be the fall kid) I ended up getting the legit
heeeeell beat outta me everytime, after a while...kinda got used
to it, but i grew up to hate the hell out of him...still we may
not have the best relationship but, i guess its better then
nothing.
So to jump past all the years in between and get right to the
part where a younger me falls for what everyone else saw as the
weird, quiet girl. but who I saw more as unique and absoulutly
beautiful(still to this very second i think that). After
her party, the " I "like" you " connfession,
and few more days left of middle school. Most of my summer then
only consisted of wanting to be around her, but she didn't
really see me as that attractive i guess...I could never really
ask her out because the first time i had a GF in middle school I
fell, i guess you'd call it now puppy love, so I'm still
afraid it end up to only be that same exact thing...this ended up
actually to be true...but the love was real; least for me it
was.. She ended up going back out with her ex BF who me and
couple others taught how to be when he first moved here...and
honestly she knew it killed
me, EVERYTIME that she did it(which
from then to now, was a total of 5? or so times) but me being how
far deep I was kept giving her chances, even tho her best friend
at the time(who then became my best friend and we still to this
day are) told me not too. So now she dates this complete and
utter jack***, weed smoking, pot head, AND SHE BASICLY LOOKS DOWN
AT EVERYONE THAT SMOKES(well used too, not sure if its still the
same). And if you guess that I still have
feelings for her, youuu'd be right. Now
between all her bf's she had, the chances I gave her, my own
GFs, and a homecomming mistake that would baisicly change the
rest of that night from the moment it happend. I only ended up
thinking I was done when she started dating this kid, sent her
this entire To Be Honest with a song(If you can't hang by
Sleeping With Sirens) I tried to move on, but I could and I
couldn't because that birthday party memory and a later drive
in movie memory I had kept me from doing so..This entier thing
was only to be about me and her but I just free wrote it all( and
this is all true) because of our untold events in the middle I
picked up drinking to try to drown out all my demons(now quit
that all) and smoking ciggerets to deal with the stress(also
quit) that all was replaced with the one thing I love now
perfectly, and thats writting music.
I think I'll just end this now before everything gets lost in
its self..and I HOPE you see this and
ask what else haven't I told you, And what thoes memories
that I didn't say where...but not just outta no where, maybe
after we hopefully become something, if we do...but till then I
guess I'll just stay this kid who's still crushing
majorly on you.
Thanks for anyone that read this, I appreciate
it
