▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌ ♡ And just when I thought I could catch my breath, life was there to rip it from my lungs before it could even form. Alike the words I wished I could scream out and ask for help, they were all hitched in my throat. It will never truly be over and I will never be free of this pain, it's a never ending cycle. ♡ ▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌
scrappy posted a quote
December 11, 2021 6:16am UTC
Well here we go again. Playing games with some friends, and I get singled out for being the reason "the team dynamic isn't working". That's after I got yelled at for playing characters differently than others or not the way they want me to. Then talking crap about the character I'm using because they don't want to "hurt my feelings" by telling me I suck to my face. I immediately mute my mic and burst into tears. Then I pick myself up after completely falling apart and say, "That was my last one guys, goodnight." Then I immediately break down, again.
scrappy posted a quote
October 11, 2021 4:43am UTC
While sitting here trying to figure out my purpose in a world that seems to loath my existence. I've had the epiphany that I think my purpose is to care for those who cannot care for themselves. And if you can't care for yourself, then you can't care for others which means I'll strike out each and every time. It'll never matter what I do for them or how much I care for them. They will never be able to love me the way I love them. They'll never be able to care for me the way I care for them. My purpose is to make others feel like they have worth. All the while, I am chronically lonely without ever truly being alone. I don't want to do it anymore. Maybe that's selfish for not wanting to make others feel worthy of something, or feel loved without having it reciprocated back. I don't think I was ever meant to be happy. When is someone going to come along and make me feel worthy and loved? Where is that someone who won't just love me for the first few years and stop trying once they have me? Where is my person who drops everything for me because they want to see me happy, not because my sadness makes them feel guilty? I don't think that person exists. It doesn't have to be a significant other, but what about even just a friend? A friend that doesn't make me feel like a burden when I talk to them? A friend that texts first? A friend that keeps my secrets and doesn't judge me for anything? A friend that puts me ahead of other friends like I would for them? Who am I kidding?
scrappy posted a quote
November 21, 2020 10:41pm UTC
If I were to disappear and stop talking to everyone, no one would even notice. I don't get phone calls or texts from anyone. People tell me they'll call me and they never do. Even if it's just "right after we get back from lunch". I get forgotten about easily I guess. I know that I'm just one person in the entire world... one tiny speck in the entire universe, but why do I feel like I have to wander through it alone? Why doesn't someone think about me and send me messages or even memes just to tell me they were thinking about me? When someone I think is a friend is having a rough time, I ALWAYS reach out.. no matter what and try to support them any way I can. I try to make sure they know that I'm always here if they wanna talk or do whatever to get their minds off of whatever is bothering them. And when I do, they always tell me they care about me too and that they will be there for me too, but they don't. They don't reach out. They don't text just to say hi. Why don't they check in on me? I just don't understand why I've been cursed. Cursed to love, cherish, and have empathy for everyone around me, yet I'm not even a blip on anyone's radar. Am I too weird? Am I mean? Do I say the wrong things? Am I too ugly or fat? Like, I just don't understand. I really don't understand why I always feel so alone. I try and try to make friends. I try to be someone's friend. It just never works out, and at this point.. it's been so long I'm not sure it ever will work out for me. I'm not going to hurt myself; I don't have the urge to. I just want to understand. I want to see me through someone else's eyes. I want to know what is so bland and so transparent about me that I am invisibile to basically the entire world. I just want to be found.. by a group of people who check in on me, care about me, and let me know they're thinking of me. A group of people that I can actually call friends.
why is it so hard for me to cut anymore ?everytime i try, i cant ever bring myself to do it.i hold the blade against my skin but it doesnt move.i used to get such a rush out of it.it used to take the pain away.i dont know what changed or why.but i cant, and i wish i could.
I can't help but wonder why I can remain only looking at your face and feeling only your body, for the rest of my life, never even being attracted to another man. But why you can't go a few seconds without having thoughts about other women. You think I don't hear you talk about her. You think I don't see what you're looking at while you sit right next to me. But I do, and i know it's silly but it hurts.
i'm incredibly sick of my grandfather and my mother getting all the sympathy for my grandmother's death. I've gotten a handful of hugs and sorry's for my loss from people, and have otherwise been completely ignored. I lost someone too. I lost a woman who comforted and inspired me in ways my own mother couldn't. I lost a person who loved me and took pride in me unconditionally. I lost a close relative and a true friend. My life was the way it was partly because of her, hell my existence was largely because of her, and now it will never be the same without her. I do not mean to sound entitled or selfish, I am aware and do not feel that this is a contest of who is suffering more deeply, and it's never been about getting attention, but I am alone in my particular form of grief and that loneliness has been intensified by people's lack of simple consideration. It bothers me to no end that my mom has been showered in gifts and keepsake memoirs and kind messages (has anyone ever thought that maybe I'd like a wax-dipped rose or a framed photograph too? Or perhaps a phone call to check in?) and my granddad gets all the praise for sharing articles and songs on Facebook that I posted and mentioned first. Writing and talking about ideas is a way for me to express myself, it is my outlet to release emotions, and I feel that that's being taken from me because he has to swoop in and steal my thoughts. Yes, I didn't know my grandmother as long as either of them and didn't get to spend as much time with her as they did, but that's merely a consequence of my age, my relationship to her and my living arrangement, none of which were ever in my control. She was still immensely important to me, as I was to her. People need to stop acting like my grandfather and mother were the only ones who loved her, the only ones who were loved by her, the only ones who were by her side when she took her last rattling breath. I'm just as hurt and scarred by this, maybe even more so because I am much younger and previously unaffected by this kind of event in life, and therefore unable to process it as easily.I suppose it doesn't matter, everyone is going to eventually stop actively caring about how we're all dealing, anyway.
crimson24 posted a quote
April 30, 2017 11:24pm UTC
circus of lunaticsplayin spin the bottle with death and demiserussian roulette but with a fully loaded barrel thinking there was a chance to wingames that only the freaks of the circus playpracticing on the tight ropewhat some call a normal lifebut falling and shattering the masknothing to hide behindbroken and afraidthere was a razor used to cut the tightropebecause no life is normalwe are a circus of lunaticssome entertaining pillsothers alcoholwe all jump through the rings of firefollowing the colourful banners becausethat is the only thing thatisnt black and whitesome dont mind getting burned in the ringthe burn could let us step out of the acteven if just for a minuteit was heavenjust a chance to catch our breathstep out of the rules and regulationsaway from the whips and cattle prodsthey treat us like animalsbut we dont see anything wrongbecause that is how we grew upfollowing their agendadoing their trickswe are the circus of lunatics