I still love you.

Chapter 21.
  "Wow, I can't believe we have to leave already tommorrow." I frowned.  "I'm gonna miss this place."
"There's always next year."  Connor smiled at me, pouring a boul of cereal for himself.
"Yeah." I laughed.  "But I doubt we'll get it for free again."
He laughed in agreement.
"Do you guys just want to spend the day at the beach?" Ainsley asked, walking out of the bedroom, dressed in her swimsuit and coverup.
"Sure." I nodded, knowing Connor didn't really care.
We were already dressed for the beach anyways.
When everyone finished eating breakfast, we walked down to the beach that lied in our front yard.
When we arrived, the girls tanned, while the guys attempted to surf.
It reminded me of the first days of Summer, when Connor through me into the water, and had to carry me to the hospital.
So much has changed since then.
It was a good kind of change, though.
I began to think back further, to when Connor and I first met.
Connor was always the tallest kid in the class.
I remember when I met him on the first day of kindergarten.
He had those same brown eyes he does now, and that same warm, charming smile.
That addicting, contagious laugh, that made me smile like no other.
Everyday when we played tag at recess, Connor would always run after me.
It's silly that I think so highly of it, but it made me feel so special, like I was important to someone.
I remember coming back to school the week after my dad died in 4th grade.
Instead of going out for recess, I would spend my time in the classroom, crying.
All the other kids went outside to play, but not Connor.
He stayed with me there in the corner, comforting me.
In 6th grade, I read my teen suicide awareness poem, the one that ended up getting us here.
When I won, people told me that it was amazing I could write so well about a topis that I had never had any experience with.
Little did they know, I wrote about everything I went through.
Even though everyone else was blind to the truth, Connor knew.
He sat with me in my room all night that night, making sure I didn't hurt myself.
I've never actually thought about it, but Connor saved my life that night.
Then finally, in 8th grade, Connor asked me to be his girlfriend.
I remember going home that night, being the happiest girl in the world.
I through away every pill, mirror, and razor blade.
I threw away society's definition of beautiful--of perfect.
I fell in love with Connor, and for a while, I believed that he loved me too.
But than freshman year came, and the stupid little freshman girl got her heart broken.
I had never felt so hated, so unloved.
I began cutting, starving myself, trying to turn myself back into the girl he fell in love with.
And now, here we are.
I know i'm in love with him again, in fact, I know I always have been.
This time though, I kept everything.
The pills, the razorblades.
It's not that I don't trust him, I just don't trust myself.
I'm afraid this is going to end like it did 4 months ago.
Where he's okay, and i'm left broken.
I just don't want this to end up like all of those other summer loves.
Where he ends up tan, and I?
 I end up sunburnt.
YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW SORRY I AM.  HONESTLY..♥  I have been writing this chapter on my ipod for the past couple of nights, because I feel sososo bad for leaving you guys hanging like this.  Friday, i'm planning on 2 chapters, if all goes as planned.  I can't promise anything.  School is done tuesday, a week from today, so I should be back to a normal uploading schedule, if not everyday..♥ I've been going through a lot lately, so please bare with me. Number to reach for next chapter is 130.  You guys get an extra long hint, because I love you all and you put up with me♥ 
Hint;
----- I turned off all of the lights, and tucked myself into bed.  "Goodbye." I whispered into the darkness, placing my hand over my heart.  The heart that would never beat again.-------Kadri.
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