I am broken, But each piece of me is together. I am weak, But my strength is greater. I am bruised and cut, but my skin is growing back tougher. I am alone, but surrounded by so many. I am silent, but my soul will always sing.
I am fearfull, but my blinded eyes are brave. I am stressed, but my being is untroubled. I was lost, I was hurt, I was diminished, but I rose from my dust.
I thought strength was rolling out of bed each day looking like a million dollars, smiling from ear to ear, never being in pain. I thought strength was a matter of putting your self above situations and never facing them. I thought strength was choosing the right path so you never fall. I didn’t realize that perfection doesn’t exist. I didn’t realize that denial and avoidance never lets you gain. I didn’t realize that sometimes the strongest people took the worst path. Because with each step something made them stumble. It wasn’t weakeness that brought them to there feet once again, it was blood sweat and tears. It was strength.
I thought being alone meant having no one. I always associated loneliness with the kids who sat in the corner at school, bullied and upset. They always seemed to have nobody to turn to nobody to be with. I didn’t realize that even the most liked people are lonely. I didn’t realize that you can sorrund yourself with so many caring people, and still feel like the only person there, no one to turn to, no one to love. I never realized I was alone.
I thought depression was a temporary thing. I thought that it was just a phase people move on from. I thought people who were depressed were sad, cause they just never tried to be happy. I thougth depression was a curable. I thought depression could never happen to me. I never realized it was a mental disorder. I never realized its something people fight everyday. I never realized how easily it relaspes.i never realized I was depressed. I never realized how ashamed I was to be depressed. I never realized how much I had to fight.
Maybe that’s why I ended where I did, maybe that’s why I made such steps. I don’t know why, when, or how it started. I cant pin point why it begins again. But I can tell you how it felt. There is no worse feeling than sitting along the wall of your bathroom, a twisted stomach frm nerves, blurry vision from tears, shaking hands, no need to eat, thinking about the next day, and seeing nothing but a blank slate you don’t want to color. That feeling that life is moving two miles an hour and your stuck here for another thousand. That feeling of knowing that with one move you could end all your pain, and never have to face the troubles of this world again. That feeling that your to weak to take away the pain, but a substances can. That feeling that if you hurt yourself more you can avoid the actual pain. That feeling of being so physchologically fragile, that your body feels like it could snap. That feeling I never want to feel again. I cant still picture the slide of the blade, or the pop of the bottle. I can still feel the sting of cut, or the numbness of pain free body. I catch my self flinching each time I shave, or tingling each time I take asprin. Fact is I thought they heeled me, but that was only temporary.
It took my recognition, admitting to myself and others that what I was going through was not and could not be normal. It took me realizing that my pain was deep and only healable through my self. Strength is not a matter of not being weak, its not letting your weakness defy you. Its standing tall because you learned the last time how not to fall. Its failing a few times and prosering not cause you succeed, but because you stood back up and fought again. I believe the people how fall the most are the strongest. They take chances and let what comes of it come. They stand back up and retry, but with the lessons they learned. I fell hard, but I learned my faults and low points and figured my ways to avoid being there again. I believe strength is being the bigger person, even if you know there is no sense in trying. I believe strength is smiling when all the world seems to make you want to cry. I think strength is finding happiness within, not depending on others. I believe strength is recognizing what and who you are… and excepting every piece of it. I am weak in many ways, but I let my strength take control. I am broken inside and out but I glued the pieces back together. I fell alone sometimes, but im surrounded by love ones. I am strong.
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