TheSecretWittian's Favorites

Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 11:38pm UTC

Hey, mom, my gang is coming over tonight.
Can you prepare some fun snacks?

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Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 11:40pm UTC

People don't look at your personality first. People judge you automatically
by your looks and then try to get to know your personality. But the second they don't like your looks, they don't get to know you. That's how reality is.

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Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
May 19, 2013 11:16am UTC

I'm sorry, you two can't get married. The Bible said Adam and Eve, not
Matthew and Ashley. Come back when you have legally changed your names.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 166 points

Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 11:36pm UTC

My mom was pulling into a parking space today and she asked,
"Am I relatively straight?" and I said, "I think that's something you need to decide for yourself." and she told me to walk home.

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yourcool
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 7:50pm UTC

i bet you don't even have 99 problems.
you probably have like 92 or 93, stop exaggerating

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 130 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 2:20pm UTC

When you change your answer on
a test only to find out later that your first answer was right.

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yourcool
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 7:14pm UTC

attempted suicide: attention seeker.
successful suicide: beautiful and loved.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 120 points

yourcool
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 7:39pm UTC

instead of learning from my mistakes,
i like to dwell on them until i have a panic attack

👍 this is good · read the comments · 140 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 2:09pm UTC

No, standing as close to me as
you possibly can will not make the line move faster.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 88 points

yourcool
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 9:29pm UTC

best threesome ever:
me. my bed. my pillow.

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yourcool
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 7:55pm UTC

what i actually said: i forgot.
what my mother heard: i hate you and i am determined to fail at life, go to prison, and bring dishonor to this family. i care about nothing except my computer and tv shows and you can just go burn in he.ll for all i care. also i'm pregnant.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 166 points

happiest*
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 5:45pm UTC

Talking to this guy who WON'T leave me alone.
So, what are you going to major in?see
Well, you see... I'm not planning on going to college. I want to be one of those people who live with their parents until they are around 30. Yeah. That's what I'll do. Then I'm going to find myself an apartment and just live there. Probably get some cats. I'd like a lot of them. Maybe around 20? I'm not for sure yet, it all depends on the size of my little apartment. Then, I might get a part time job at Wal-Mart. The ultimate dream would be to hand out the stickers and sit on the stools at the front of the store! What about you?
No response. Thank God. ;)

👍 this is good · read the comments · 116 points

yourcool
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 8:45pm UTC

life hack: if your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. at night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you

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yourcool
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 5:09pm UTC

My father hasn't been alive for ten years and I still haven't set foot on his grave.
Not because our last words were bad or sad.
But because I'm so afraid to just know that he's lying underneath the earth.
That he was once up here, instead of down there.
I don't even ask my mother where he is buried because I fear that she will be ashamed that I don't know.
I'm going to find his grave this summer and I will sit down with him and tell him about the last ten and a half years of my life and how much he has missed.
And I can't help but hope that he's proud of who I am and who I am becoming.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 157 points

quotesaremykryptonite
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 2:17pm UTC

Bras are so expensive
like i didn't choose the boob life the boob life chose me.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 126 points

happiest*
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 5:30pm UTC

Teacher: Where's your homework?
Me: Where's Leonardo dicaprio's oscar?

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yourcool
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 8:08pm UTC

how are good looking guys always
friends with other good looking guys like is there some sort of secret hot boy gang or something

👍 this is good · read the comments · 324 points

yourcool
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 9:25pm UTC

if i were a spelling bee judge:
me: spell their
contestant: sentence please
me: they're going to build their house over there.
*walks off*

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 376 points

yourcool
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 9:20pm UTC

duck, duck, goose is literally the only game
where you can hit people on the head and run away laughing

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happiest*
posted a quote
May 18, 2013 5:27pm UTC

when most girls wear hoodies and messy buns
They look amazing
but when i do
i look like i've tried every drug in the world

👍 this is good · read the comments · 372 points

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