Witty Profiles

DeliriousMistakes

1. yourcool
   posted a quote
   July 15, 2013 3:08am UTC
   mike wazowski opens up a tattoo shop
   called "Monsters Ink."
   
   👍 this is good · read the comments · 403 points
2. Steve
   posted a quote
   July 1, 2013 6:46pm UTC
   It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
   because they always take things literally.
   
   👍 this is good · read the comments · 426 points
3. *blushes*
   posted a quote
   June 2, 2014 2:11pm UTC
   why can't I
   why can't I be normal
   why can't I be intelligent
   why can't I be cute
   why can't I be loved
   why can't I lose weight
   why can't I enjoy life
   why can't I overcome depression
   why can't I die
   
   👍 this is good · read the comments · 49 points
4. *ｓａｍｍｉ*
   posted a quote
   April 28, 2014 11:56am UTC
   me during an exam:lol imma ace dis b.tch
   me during an exam:the f.ck did you just say
   me during an exam:alright focus
   me during an exam:pffffttt i got this
   me during an exam:I'M A GENIUS
   me during an exam:whats 5 x 8
   me during an exam:lol f.ck this
   me during an exam:be our guest be our guest be our guest put our service to the test
   me during an exam:oh exam right
   me during an exam:yeah hear me flip that page
   me during an exam:i am better than all of you
   me during an exam:what if everyone can read minds except me
   me during an exam:i bet theyre all thinking to each other 'dont tell her you can read minds'
   me during an exam:cough if you can hear me
   me during an exam:COUGH IF YOU CAN HEAR ME
   me during an exam:was i doing something
   me during an exam:right test okay
   me during an exam:lol i bet i can finish before this b.tch
   me during an exam:did we learn this
   me during an exam:stop breathing so loud
   me during an exam:is that really necessary
   me during an exam:wow that quote on witty last night is suddenly the funniest thing i have ever seen
   me during an exam:i will kill all of you
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 8 points
5. spence*
   posted a quote
   May 3, 2014 2:33pm UTC
   when my family went to disney world we went on the haunted mansion ride and this actor dressed as a skeleton came up to our cart and got right in my three year old brothers face and whispered “are you scared?” and my brother kissed him on the nose and the guy laughed so hard he had to leave
   
   👍 this is good · read the comments · 140 points
6. Cammie
   posted a quote
   May 29, 2014 6:12pm UTC
   whenever people send me hate i dont even really get hurt anymore
   im usually just like “whats the funniest way i could respond to this”
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 51 points
7. SuperNovaChic
   posted a quote
   May 30, 2014 11:03am UTC
   Shortest horror story: "Dude. Where did the spider go?"
   
   👍 this is good · read the comments · 124 points
8. DestinyCaribou
   posted a quote
   June 2, 2014 3:52am UTC
   teacher: what comes after 69?
   me: mouthwash
   teacher: get out.
   
   👍 this is good · read the comments · 57 points
9. Gpc11
   posted a quote
   June 1, 2014 6:38pm UTC
   "Son, I had to throw my golf pants out""Why dad? cause you got... A HOLE IN ONE!? HAHA" "No son. I killed a man. They're covered in blood"
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 31 points
10. MissEmma
    posted a quote
    June 1, 2014 7:32pm UTC
    i threw my phone out
    the window s o i c o u l d n ' t
    C H A N G E M Y M I N D
    
    👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 32 points

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