The other day i thought about taking my own life again. i thought this feeling was finally going to go away. but it crept up and hit me out of nowhere. i stayed up the whole night making a notebook of different ways id like to do the job. i cried, smoked weed, and tied all my loose ends with family, friends, ex's, ect. i got dressed nicely and did my make-up super nice. i was going to do it. although, i really didnt have a particular reason to do it. im not sure where the feeling even came from. its been so much worse lately. all i want to do is be high to the point where i dont know whats happening to me; a state where i cant feel a thing. inside or out. today is the first day in two weeks that i havent had any weed and im going insane. you dont even know. im shaking when i think about going to sleep sober tonight. i hate it. they even took all my pills away from me. they cant just do that. all i want is sleep. like how i did last week. id take a couple sleeping pills and when id wake up id take more and more; over and over. i slept for about 2-3 days. i want that. i want to sleep, wake up, go to school, come home and then sleep until i have to go back to school. i wish i could have a week off of school to just sleep. id love that. to sleep for a week straight. that would be absolutely wonderful. i hate the fact that they just took my pills and still expect me to sleep. im not fuucking adicted. i just want sleep. doesnt everyone? why are you paying so much attention to what i do? stop. youre not invited to examine every little thing i do. god you all drive me fuucking insane. none of my problems just went away. their al still there. i dont get why you people get to just chose the way i live. its not okay. you dont see me telling you all how to live your lives. so stop trying to run mine. i dont see a point in anything at all anymore. im normally the person that you cant get to stop smiling. lately, i have to force myself to half smile. i dont want to smile. not much has really made me smile in a while. you all suck. ive been falling behond in all my classes too. i just dont do any work. theres no point. i honestly just hate everything lately. if im sitting in class and look peacfuly doing my work. im really going absolutely fuucking insane in my head. the littlest thins make me so angry and upset and worried. the smallest things make me cry myself to sleep. im so used to being high that it doesnt effect me at all anymore. i feel uncomfortable and weird and shaky when im sober. im not used to it. i dont like it. i can actually think when im sober. god this sucks. where did i go wrong? how on earth did i end up this way?
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