THINGS I WISH I COULD HAVE TOLD MYSELF WHEN I WAS 10
SO I WOULD KNOW FOR LATER
1. that boy you'll be with when you grow up a bit,
you don't love him. you just love the hair that curls
around his collar, and the way he kisses you slowly.
you don't deserve his yelling even though you tell your-
self that he doesn't mean it. (he meant it. he meant all the
words he yelled. pick yourself up after he yells. tell him,
you don't own me. you'll never own me. i belong to myself)
remember, you don't know that boy at all.
2. drawing lines into your skin is something you'll
regret. don't pick up that cardboard cutter when you see
it sitting underneath your bed. clench your teeth, baby,
cry until you can't breathe. your pain is real, you don't
have to draw it into your skin to make that be known.
those scars that you'll have, they'll haunt you. sharp
things will haunt you (you'll find that later, when your
brother jokingly throws a butter knife into the air, and it
comes down to slice his hand, you'll flinch and start crying
and not be able to breathe for hours—and he'll say,
it's just a little blood. it doesn't even hurt. and you'll think,
i told myself that once too. it doesnt even hurt. just a little
blood. just one more cut.)
3. the strongest person you know—he's going to be gone
someday. cry at his funeral. drop to your knees and cry in front
of his grave. yell at the people who are standing around it, say,
stop crying, he's my loss. i lost him most. i loved him most.
even if it's not true, it feels true. cry harder than you thought
possible. gasp and push off the hands that try to comfort you.
(cry because i did not cry.)
4. you'll think you love him. the boy with the smokes and
a nice smile.
you don't love him.
5. you'll think that you shouldn't care about anyone when you're
16 and bitter. you'll think that to love is to be weak. you'll think
if you love, you'll lose.
pick yourself up.
love.
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