And I always seem to contradict myself. I want to die but I want to live so fast and so hard that my heart explodes into millions and millions of pieces, red Valentine confetti that never touches the ground. I want to stay at home all day and I want to travel to the most remote places of the earth. I want to never again have to speak to a stranger and I want to learn sixteen hundred languages so that I can converse with just about every single human being in creation. I want to be alone and forgotten but I want to make friends in all one hundred ninety-six countries on this earth; I want to talk to no one but my mother and I want to talk to people from Penza, Chuncheon, Soweto, Dhanmondi. I want to have a list of friends that expands the width and depth of the Altantic. I want to laugh in the face of everything that's frightening but I can't seem to laugh at anything at all.