My daddys journal entrys about coping the tragic death of
my Brother Tegan.
“
IT'S OKAY TO HURT, JUST
DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
A few years ago Tegan come bashing into my office and said,
"Dad, come quickly! You have to see most amazing
rainbow." I quickly walked with him upstairs to
our front door. Indeed there was a rainbow, and it was beautiful.
A summer storm had just broken and the afternoon sun revealed a
most amazing spectacle of light against the backdrop of deep
storm clouds and mountain shadows.
Tegan pointed to the array of colors and shadows and said,
"Isn't it beautiful, Dad?" and I said, "Yes,
son, it is amazing; but not as amazing as you. You and Aubree are
more amazing than all the rainbows combined."
I stumbled into a photo recently and was brought back to this
sweet exchange with my son. As I looked at the photo I had a
moment of clarity that is difficult to describe; clarity about
love and loss, grief and coping, and life after the storm. I am
new to all of this grief stuff and I am sorting it out a little
every day.
Recently I've been thinking about the notion "Your loved
one wouldn't want you to be sad." I believe this is an
abused and confused statement. Surely our loved ones want us to
be happy, but they also understand our sorrows in ways we do not
- and it isn't necessary to feel guilty or veiled shame
for hurting. Hurting is hard enough.
I believe Tegan knows, with great clarity, every tear I shed is a
symbol of the deep love I have for him. They are also tender
prayers to my Father that my weary heart might someday find rest.
I believe our loved ones who have passed on, if they are
permitted to see our sorrows, don't look upon us with pity or
disappointment that we hurt, but rather deep understanding. For
they know the depth of our grief is matched only by the depth of
our love. Yes, they want for our happiness, but they also
understand our hurt. I believe they reverence our grief more than
we appreciate.
At least for me, coping with grief isn't about faux bravery
or denying my most tender feelings for my son. It isn't about
somehow stepping out of shadows of sorrow - as though such
shadows don't exist. Coping with grief is about learning to
see the light despite the inescapable shadows of sorrow.
I see the light.
In my quest for peace and understanding I am learning that
it's okay to hurt, so long as I don't hurt
myself.
