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AubreeMae
posted a quote
July 14, 2014 10:15pm UTC

My daddys journal entrys about coping the tragic death of my Brother Tegan.
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IT'S OKAY TO HURT, JUST DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
A few years ago Tegan come bashing into my office and said, "Dad, come quickly! You have to see most amazing rainbow." I quickly walked with him upstairs to our front door. Indeed there was a rainbow, and it was beautiful. A summer storm had just broken and the afternoon sun revealed a most amazing spectacle of light against the backdrop of deep storm clouds and mountain shadows.
Tegan pointed to the array of colors and shadows and said, "Isn't it beautiful, Dad?" and I said, "Yes, son, it is amazing; but not as amazing as you. You and Aubree are more amazing than all the rainbows combined."
I stumbled into a photo recently and was brought back to this sweet exchange with my son. As I looked at the photo I had a moment of clarity that is difficult to describe; clarity about love and loss, grief and coping, and life after the storm. I am new to all of this grief stuff and I am sorting it out a little every day.
Recently I've been thinking about the notion "Your loved one wouldn't want you to be sad." I believe this is an abused and confused statement. Surely our loved ones want us to be happy, but they also understand our sorrows in ways we do not - and it isn't necessary to feel guilty or veiled shame for hurting. Hurting is hard enough.
I believe Tegan knows, with great clarity, every tear I shed is a symbol of the deep love I have for him. They are also tender prayers to my Father that my weary heart might someday find rest. I believe our loved ones who have passed on, if they are permitted to see our sorrows, don't look upon us with pity or disappointment that we hurt, but rather deep understanding. For they know the depth of our grief is matched only by the depth of our love. Yes, they want for our happiness, but they also understand our hurt. I believe they reverence our grief more than we appreciate.
At least for me, coping with grief isn't about faux bravery or denying my most tender feelings for my son. It isn't about somehow stepping out of shadows of sorrow - as though such shadows don't exist. Coping with grief is about learning to see the light despite the inescapable shadows of sorrow.
I see the light.
In my quest for peace and understanding I am learning that it's okay to hurt, so long as I don't hurt myself.

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AubreeMae
posted a quote
July 14, 2014 9:56pm UTC

Going through a box of objects my mom would keep overtime of art work my brother or I would come home with from school, homemade cards, a bunch of things to look back on.. When my mom and I were going through it and I opened up a little journal that she said my dad kept for himself. I read it and my eyes filled with tears instantly. My dad was my hero, the strongest man I ever have known and loved. He wrote this in his journal long after the tragic death of my brother Tegan. I'll hold on to this journal forever. My dad was the strongest man that not only lost his one and only son, but also fought cancer for 8 years and finally was able to be escape and be free. My daddy, 12.23.75 - 7.25.13
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FOUR SHOVELS, ONE MISSING BOY.
In my garage hang 4 shovels that were used, as a matter of ceremony, to bury my dear son. Every day I come home I see them. I can't NOT see them. These shovels are now symbols of what matters most and the price my family paid to be reminded of such. When I see them, suddenly material things are worthless to me; the persuit of fame and attention, ring hollow and lame; and all the tinsel and chatter of the world lose their luster and powers of persuasion.
I just see 4 sacred symbols, still bearing dirt from the burial site, and am reminded of one missing boy I would do anything to see and hold again.
I don't keep these symbols visible to agitate already tender wounds nor do I use them to fixate on the pain of loss; the kitchen table with an empty chair does that well enough. Instead, these shovels keep me focused and clear-minded. They remind me of the realities of life and also point to my most treasured relationships. Each day I leave my garage remembering Tegan and I make a promise to do better than the day before - to make whatever time I have on this earth matter. When I return home I am reminded to talk a little softer, to listen more intently, and to love my visibly... For everything, and I mean everything, is temporary.
These symbols keep me sober and sane. They remind me to never dig a pit for my neighbor or intentionally cause harm to others, but rather to take compassion and help dig others out of trouble and help where I can. They remind me that I, too, will one day be laid to rest and I will be held accountable for my choices.. for the help or harm I caused others.
I hope to never hurt another, but always help.. and if I'm lucky, to build a soul with Heaven's help.

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