Going through a box of objects my mom would keep overtime of art work my brother or I would come home with from school, homemade cards, a bunch of things to look back on.. When my mom and I were going through it and I opened up a little journal that she said my dad kept for himself. I read it and my eyes filled with tears instantly. My dad was my hero, the strongest man I ever have known and loved. He wrote this in his journal long after the tragic death of my brother Tegan. I'll hold on to this journal forever. My dad was the strongest man that not only lost his one and only son, but also fought cancer for 8 years and finally was able to be escape and be free. My daddy, 12.23.75 - 7.25.13
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FOUR SHOVELS, ONE MISSING BOY.
In my garage hang 4 shovels that were used, as a matter of ceremony, to bury my dear son. Every day I come home I see them. I can't NOT see them. These shovels are now symbols of what matters most and the price my family paid to be reminded of such. When I see them, suddenly material things are worthless to me; the persuit of fame and attention, ring hollow and lame; and all the tinsel and chatter of the world lose their luster and powers of persuasion.
I just see 4 sacred symbols, still bearing dirt from the burial site, and am reminded of one missing boy I would do anything to see and hold again.
I don't keep these symbols visible to agitate already tender wounds nor do I use them to fixate on the pain of loss; the kitchen table with an empty chair does that well enough. Instead, these shovels keep me focused and clear-minded. They remind me of the realities of life and also point to my most treasured relationships. Each day I leave my garage remembering Tegan and I make a promise to do better than the day before - to make whatever time I have on this earth matter. When I return home I am reminded to talk a little softer, to listen more intently, and to love my visibly... For everything, and I mean everything, is temporary.
These symbols keep me sober and sane. They remind me to never dig a pit for my neighbor or intentionally cause harm to others, but rather to take compassion and help dig others out of trouble and help where I can. They remind me that I, too, will one day be laid to rest and I will be held accountable for my choices.. for the help or harm I caused others.
I hope to never hurt another, but always help.. and if I'm lucky, to build a soul with Heaven's help.