Andjela *

Status: I do this great thing where I take things for granted and regret it/try to fix it when it's most likely too late!

Member Since: 13 Mar 2012 06:50pm

Last Seen: 25 Sep 2022 12:24pm

Location: CLE

Gender: F

user id: 283515

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Andjela *
posted a quote
May 7, 2018 3:06am UTC

Things just aren't going to work out for me, huh? I've been single for two years, my last relationship was a joke and before that I was with someone who I considered to be my soulmate. I am about to graduate college and I met him when I was a senior in high school. We have been broken up for three years and he still crosses my mind everyday, even though we really don't talk. I was ready to falll in love with my best friend at some point, but didn't let myself fall because I was too scared, and it didn't matter because he didn't feel the same way, so we don't talk anymore because I emotionaly cannot maintain a friendship with him that won't turn into anything more, my heart can't take it. For the last year, one of my exes and I started being f/ck buddies, because it was easy and fun and we didn't want to have feelings. He went on to stat dating another girl without even telling me, and I thought we were better friends than that. And now last night, one of my best friends from high school confessed his love for me, and we slept together because we were drunk and it seemed right in the moment. He was looking me in the eyes telling me he loves me, and I felt something in my heart that I haven't felt in years, since I've been with the guy I thought I was going to marry in high school. But when the sun rose and he had time to process everything, he tells me that a lot of his feelings are from years ago, that he doesn't think that pursuing us is something that he can mentally handle right now. That his feelings were once true, but that this was all in the heat of the moment. And on top of that, I've just been aimlessly wandering on Tinder for years, thinking that maybe if I just stick it out I will end up meeting someone worth my time, but of course I'm wrong. I don't know what to do and I have been immensely disappointed time after time after time and I feel so lost. I haven't had feelings for f/cking years and as soon as it seems like there's a chance, it IMMEDIATELY disappears, just like that. It's as if the moment I feel some kind of emotion, it's an automatic "f/uck you" from life and I get crushed, every single time. I don't know how much more patient I need to be, and how much longer I have to deal with this until I can finally feel my heart set on fire for another person again.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
October 25, 2016 12:11pm UTC

If only I had the chance to go back in time, knowing everything I do now.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
October 25, 2016 11:59am UTC

I wish I knew how to sit still and let life happen on its own. I always jump to conclusions and let my emotions attach to an idea that doesn't exist. I'm never neutral either. I'll put my cynical outlook on life onto any situation I'm going through, and when I decide that I should lighten up, my head is up in the clouds but my feet aren't on the ground. I sabotage myself, or I get my hopes up.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
August 21, 2016 10:41pm UTC

I fell in love with an idea, but that's all it'll ever be.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
August 18, 2016 7:15pm UTC

click to see this quote

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Andjela *
posted a quote
August 16, 2016 8:04pm UTC

Maybe, just maybe,
one day I'll hear your name
and see your face and
I'll feel nothing.
I desparately dream about this day every night now.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
August 16, 2016 5:23pm UTC

Put down your world, just for one night, and pick me again.
So please let me be free from you. Please let me be free.
I can face the truth.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
August 14, 2016 2:30am UTC

I need to calm down.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
August 14, 2016 2:01am UTC

I want everything to do with you, dear. I want to be there for you through anything and everything. And when our time comes.. when we can finally settle down and agree that we can give each other our all, I'll be the happiest girl on this planet. I want you. Someday, I'll need you. I can't wait to see what our future holds for us.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
August 11, 2016 10:57pm UTC

"You sounded a little different at first, but once we started really talking I thought 'there is your sweet voice that I've missed."
"There are a lot of times I just wish you were here, or I was there."
"You set the bar so high that I don't know if I will ever meet someone that even comes close, let alone meets or exceeds the standards you've set for me."
"I was able to love you, but I didn't love myself, so I didn't love you the way I should have."
"I think I'll always be here for you, if you ever needed me or needed to talk, I couldn't turn you away. And I know I could to other people, but never you."
"I still have feelings, but we are at such different points in life, and we're growing up."
"I would really like to see you in person one of these days before school starts back up."
"You look really good, from what I've seen in pictures."
"I would compare her to you all the time. She would do things and I'll think 'Andjela wouldn't do that, I don't like that' or 'She wouldn't do that, but Andjela would, and I liked that she did that.' I shouldn't have been comparing her to you so much but it got to the point I just didn't like her anymore, and she wasn't you."

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Andjela *
posted a quote
August 11, 2016 12:56am UTC

I still know you, even after all of this time.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
August 7, 2016 5:58pm UTC

For the first time in a while, I am not bitter over you. I'm no longer angry with our fallout. You've been dating a girl for quite a bit now, and I'm honestly extremely happy for you. Just because I still love you, I have learned that I don't need to be with you. Not for now. And I've also learned that I can be happy for you, and wish you the best in your endeavors, without actually being a part of any of it. If being on the outskirts of each other's lives is what's supposed to happen for now, or for good, who am I to try to disturb that? I no longer fight the waves that will always continue crashing, instead I ride them out and enjoy myself. I may never be whole again, but at least I'm finally content with myself and our fate.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
July 10, 2016 10:17pm UTC

You always felt inferior to me, therefore you were rarely happy for me because of my accomplishments. You were always bruting around my friends, and you never seemed like you enjoyed being around them. You purposely struck the lowest chord to hurt me, so you can get me back for the frustration I've given you. You were fragile, but when I needed you to be strong, I was being too needy. You didn't like it when I just listened to you, or when I decide to talk to you about my friends and their drama. You always reminded me of how you could easily cheat on me if you wanted to, since so many girls approach you. You were always the first one to try to move on and forget, and you were always the first one to crash and burn.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
July 10, 2016 2:08am UTC

I think I am always going to be there for him, I don't know why I even bother but it seems like I can't help it. Even when I say I don't love him anymore there is some kind of force gravitating me towards him, despite the circumstances. Like, he has a girlfriend now and he was in a relationship before and that doesn't stop me from thinking, "yeah, maybe you should try to let it go." And I don't know why, but I'm stubborn and I'm egotistical, and I genuinely believe he is searching for a feeling that is somewhat comparable to what he had with me, and he is going to keep settling and continue to be disappointed that these relationships aren't working out because those girls can be perfect 10s, have a perfect body and have a striking converation from time to time, but they are not me. Plain and simple. With this knowledge, I will love this man from a distance, and peacefully check in on him and quietly hope he's doing well and he's happy, but I know he thinks about me, I know he is doing the same thing, he just believes that seeng other girls will help, and it proobably does as a method of distraction. I don't mind not being the one he is actively trying ot be with now, because I know he wants to, but we're both not ready. I feel more confident now than ever that there will be another time for us someday, but we need to go out there and try different things.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
June 25, 2016 11:12pm UTC

I'm coming to a point in my life where I just don't want anyone else there with me. I don't need it. I used to sit and wonder how on earth I could survive without my best friend, or some boyfriend at the time. And now I am here, perfectly content with the idea of being alone. Because being alone doesn't mean I am lonely. My nights are restless not because I don't have someone to sing me to sleep, it is because my thoughts are racing a million miles a second, and they scream. I do not isolate myself on purpose, nor do I feel left out. I used to be insecure and worried about whether or not my friends liked me, or if I appeared weird or obscene to all of the strangers who pass by me. Now, I just don't care. I don't want to be in a relationship because I know I am too self-absorbed and not patient enough to dedicate my time and energy towards another person who could very well just treat me like sh/t. All I ever wanted at some point was a boyfriend, I met the man I thought I was going to marry. And you know what really scares me sometimes? The fact that I successfully let him go. I check up on him occasionally but we have not spoken a peaceful word in months on top of months and I do not know if there is any more love in my heart for that man. And he was once someone who became my everything, and I would have died for him. Now, I am just repulsed by those kinds of relationships. I am suprised at the type of person i am becoming because I used to cling onto every relationship and friendship of mine with my whole,dear, naive life, and nowthe only person I have tolerance for is myself. I love it because I feel my independence grow more and more every single day. I am afraid that I am heading towards being truly heartless and cold, what I once aspired to be but couldn't achieve because I cared too much. I used to always care too much. And now? I feel very close to nothing at all.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
June 16, 2016 12:49am UTC

You used to tell me that everything would be alright, no matter what happened to us. We're destroyed, we've fallen apart, this is it. It's over, it's over, it's over. I'll be okay eventually when I forget how soft your hair felt in my hands, and how electrified our bodies were when we kissed. I'll consider myself alive when I stop believing that you still care, that you still stare at your phone wanting to contact me, and having to hold yourself bach from confessing all of the things I already know when you've had one too many drinks. I'll make it out of this when I stop looking you up and checking in on how you are and who you're with. I will be be "alright" when I can finally say goodbye, but dear, I don't think I'll ever be alright then.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
June 9, 2016 11:29pm UTC

This is how I am going to live my life. This is how I will die. Day by day wishing I was in your f/cking arms, while you're in the arms of another. I don't even know if I cross your mind at all anymore. I thought I knew everything about you. But for all I know, you've been over me for a long while. While I am here dreaming of you every night. I am so lost.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
June 7, 2016 2:15am UTC

I've known you for 21 months now, 3 of which we were "normal" and happy and everything was perfect. We've been on and off, and fighting for 10 months after that. It's now been exactly 7 months of no communication AT ALL. But do you know how long I've been in love with you? 21 months.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
June 7, 2016 2:10am UTC

Well, that's okay. Young love rarely survives anyway. It was amazing while it lasted, right? Yes, and it was an extravagant, wretched love. There was love, there was hatred, there was passion, there was ignorance, there was fear, there was tension, there was struggle, there was success, there was trial and error, there was pain, there was laughter, there were tears, there were promises, there was blame, there was surrender, there was support, there was accompaniment, there was perseverance, there was inconsistence, there was life! There was reality. He lifted me up then dug me back into the ground. I haven't been able to stand for a while. There were so many moments of sparks and darkness, I don't know where I'm going anymore. He gave me strength. He gave me justice. He gave me a voice with no hope. He gave me love, but it was different. He gave me joy, and gave me shame. But it was love. It was powerful. It was a curse. It was ugly, yet beautifully stitched together with pieces of our lost minds and broken hearts.

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Andjela *
posted a quote
June 6, 2016 10:26pm UTC

Ever since I was a little girl, I could never sit still. I liked to destroy my toys and draw on my backpacks and eventually I found myself scarring my skin and my mental health, and that's when I knew I was never going to make this life an easy one.

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Andjela *