I'm coming to a point in my life where I just
don't want anyone else there with me. I don't need it. I
used to sit and wonder how on earth I could survive without my
best friend, or some boyfriend at the time. And now I am here,
perfectly content with the idea of being alone. Because being
alone doesn't mean I am lonely. My nights are restless not
because I don't have someone to sing me to sleep, it is
because my thoughts are racing a million miles a second, and they
scream. I do not isolate myself on purpose, nor do I feel left
out. I used to be insecure and worried about whether or not my
friends liked me, or if I appeared weird or obscene to all of the
strangers who pass by me. Now, I just don't care. I don't
want to be in a relationship because I know I am too
self-absorbed and not patient enough to dedicate my time and
energy towards another person who could very well just treat me
like sh/t. All I ever wanted at some point was a boyfriend, I met
the man I thought I was going to marry. And you know what really
scares me sometimes? The fact that I successfully let him go. I
check up on him occasionally but we have not spoken a peaceful
word in months on top of months and I do not know if there is any
more love in my heart for that man. And he was once someone who
became my everything, and I would have died for him. Now, I am
just repulsed by those kinds of relationships. I am suprised at
the type of person i am becoming because I used to cling onto
every relationship and friendship of mine with my whole,dear,
naive life, and nowthe only person I have tolerance for is
myself. I love it because I feel my independence grow more and
more every single day. I am afraid that I am heading towards
being truly heartless and cold, what I once aspired to be but
couldn't achieve because I cared too much. I used to always
care too much. And now? I feel very close to nothing at
all.
