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Ifunny Quotes

  1. Jordan.* Jordan.*
    posted a quote
    January 24, 2014 4:31pm UTC
    I gotta' dig bick.
    You that read wrong.
    That awkward when you read that wrong too.
    And said "moment" after awkward.
    That's awkward.

  2. Jordan.* Jordan.*
    posted a quote
    January 20, 2014 12:14pm UTC
    I wanted hoodie weather..
    not big coat under
    another big coat, scarf,
    gloves, hand warmers,
    ear muffs, ski mask
    and a hoodie weather.

  3. Jordan.* Jordan.*
    posted a quote
    January 16, 2014 4:35pm UTC
    Life Hacks. From iFunny,
    #001
    A handicapped parking
    spot needs a sign to be valid.
    If it just has a wheelchair
    painted on the ground, you
    can legally park there.
    #002
    Running low on battery?
    Put your phone on airplane
    mode and it'll charge much
    faster.
    #003
    Fold your receipt around the
    gift card to always
    know the balance.
    #004
    If you want to download
    a YouTube video, just add "ss"
    to the URL between www.
    and YouTube.
    #005
    Use a spring from an old
    pen to keep your charger from
    bending or breaking.
    #006
    Have a good twenty minute work
    out in the morning. Then you
    can be lazy for the rest of the day
    without feeling guilty.
    #007
    Mixing alcohol with diet
    coke will get you more drunk
    than mixing it with
    regular coke.
    #008
    Tell people to pick a number
    between 12 and 5, 95% of
    people choose seven (because
    they automatically subtract it).
    #009
    Make a password into a goal
    of yours so you constantly have
    to be reminded of it.
    #010
    Sugar can cure a burnt
    tongue.
    #011
    When a friend is venting
    to you, sometimes it's better
    to stay silent instead of
    trying to give advice.
    #012
    Putting your phone on airplane
    mode will stop ads while
    playing games.
    #013
    Mosquito bite? Press a hot
    spoon onto the spot. The heat
    will destroy the reaction and
    the itching will stop.
    #014
    Need some free WiFi? The
    best places to go are Panera,
    McDonalds, Apple Store, Office
    Depot, Staples, and Courtyard
    Marriott.
    #015
    Have left over coffee from
    this morning? Make coffee ice
    cubes. Can be used to cool iced
    coffee without diluting it.
    #016
    If the taxi driver asks if
    you're "from around here,"
    lie and say yes- sometimes they
    drive farther (driving up the
    price) for tourists.
    #017
    Going to a bar? Start by
    giving the bartender a $20 tip.
    You'll get amazing service the
    rest of the night.
    #018
    If you ever get caught sleeping
    on the job or in school, slowly
    raise your head and say "In
    Jesus' name, amen."
    #019
    Wrinkly shirt? Throw it in
    the dryer with a few ice cubes
    for 5 minutes. Wrinkles gone.
    #020
    If you pay $65, you can register
    your dog as an "Emotional
    Support Animal" & it'll be illegal
    for landlords to refuse to
    rent to you.
    #021
    If you chew gum when you
    study a subject and then chew
    the same flavor when you
    take the test it can help
    you remember.
    #022
    On 7/11, 7-Eleven gives
    out free slurpees in honor
    of it.
    #023
    Put pancake mix in a Ketchup
    bottle for a clean no-mess
    experience.
    #024
    If you bought something
    on Amazon and the price goes
    down within 30 days you can
    e-mail them and they will
    send you the difference.
    #025
    A cure for headaches: Take a
    lime, cut it in half, and rub it on
    your forehead. The throbbing
    should go away.
    #026
    If you ever go to a zoo,
    wear the same colors as the
    employees do. The animals will
    come right up to you instead
    of backing away.
    #027
    You can turn an old CD spindle
    into a unique bagel holder.
    #028
    Don't want to be embarrassed
    when buying something? Buy
    a birthday card with it.
    #029
    Feeling ugly? Go sit in
    Wal-Mart for 2 hours. You will
    feel a lot better.
    #030
    On www.Supercook.com
    you just enter what ingredients
    you have and it tells you what
    meals you have and how
    to make them.
    #031
    If a disk is skipping, rub
    a banana over it to seal the
    scratches. Remember to wipe
    it off before you stick it
    back in.
    #032
    Need to tell a believable lie?
    Include an embarrassing detail,
    nobody doubts a story that
    makes you look dumb.
    #033
    If you ever get trapped
    underwater in your car, use
    your carseat headrest to
    break the window.
    #034
    If someone presses all of
    the buttons on the elevator, you
    can avoid stopping on each floor
    by pressing each button
    again twice.
    #035
    Getting nauseous from reading
    in the car? Tilt your head side
    to side and it'll go away.
    #036
    In areas with lots of stoplights,
    going exactly the speed
    limit will help you hit
    more green lights.
    #037
    You can heal paper
    cuts and immediately stop the
    pain with chapstick.
    #038
    When ordering coffee, ask
    for a medium in a large cup.
    They'll likely accidentally over
    fill it and you'll get a cheap
    large coffee.
    #039
    If you mess up a voicemail
    to someone, press "#" to erase
    and re-record.
    #040
    When someone new is
    hanging out with you and your
    friends, call your friends by their
    names so the new person has a
    chance to memorize them.
    #041
    Want to park somewhere
    you're not allowed to park?
    Keep the envelope from a
    parking ticket and put it under
    your windshield wipers.
    #042
    If you have a tough decision
    flip a coin, not to decide for
    you, but you'll realize what you
    really want when it's in the air.
    #043
    Lick your wrist and smell
    it. This is what your breath
    smells like to others.
    #044
    If you accidentally close a
    tab, close+shift+t reopens it.
    #045
    If you ever get kidnapped
    and they tie your hands together
    and put tape over your mouth,
    lick the tape until it falls off.

  4. sayings_ sayings_
    posted a quote
    October 18, 2013 11:20am UTC
    hikikomori-
    (n.) an adolescent or a young adult
    who has withdrawn from social
    life, often obsessed with television,
    interent and video games, and
    rarley ever leaves one's room.

  5. iLL-Legal Alien👽* iLL-Legal Alien👽*
    posted a quote
    September 24, 2013 7:44pm UTC
    *Me passing McDonalds*
    "Don't you ever say I just walked away ;
    I will always want you."

  6. iLL-Legal Alien👽* iLL-Legal Alien👽*
    posted a quote
    September 1, 2013 7:20pm UTC
    Romeo & Juliet (2013)
    Juliet: Lol where are you Romeo?
    Romeo: Wanna come over?
    Juliet: Can't.
    Romeo Why?
    Juliet: Idk, parents.
    Romeo: Lets kill ourselves.
    Juliet: Lol k
    Romeo: Swag
    Juliet: YOLO

  7. mads* mads*
    posted a quote
    August 20, 2013 2:09pm UTC
    Me at 5 years: Someday I'm gonna be a pretty teenager
    10 years later: I bet you I can eat that whole donut in a bite

  8. Alyssa Elton* Alyssa Elton*
    posted a quote
    August 8, 2013 2:31pm UTC
    When I was 2 years old,
    my sister was half my age.
    Now I am 100 years old,
    how old is my sister?

  9. ecawesomeness ecawesomeness
    posted a quote
    August 7, 2013 9:16pm UTC
    When no one was looking,
    I put a rock in a spotlight at a contemporary art show. I started looking at it, and within 2 minutes, 8 people were gathered around it taking pictures.
    nmq

  10. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    July 30, 2013 10:22pm UTC
    if you plant a block of ramen noodles
    in the ground and water it with bud light it will grow into a college student

  11. J3S5E J3S5E
    posted a quote
    July 4, 2013 10:12am UTC
    Sorry, I can't today.
    My brother's friend's mother's grandpa's sister's grandaughter's Maid of Honor's refrigerator broke
    &yes, it was tragic

  12. ErinIsTheName* ErinIsTheName*
    posted a quote
    July 3, 2013 10:23pm UTC
    Piano doorbell:
    So your friends can play annoying songs until you answer the door.

  13. ErinIsTheName* ErinIsTheName*
    posted a quote
    July 3, 2013 4:02pm UTC
    Excuse me, madam...
    I mustache you a question.
    Okay, but FYI...
    eyebrows Google for answers.

  14. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    June 30, 2013 5:07pm UTC
    it's nice when someone can reply to
    your sarcasm with sarcasm instead of just getting offended.

  15. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    June 28, 2013 9:56pm UTC
    everyone has a family tree.
    but i have a cactus, full of pr.cks.

  16. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    June 28, 2013 9:41pm UTC
    i can't even make a straight line
    with a ruler why do people expect so much from me

  17. dontsellyourselfshort dontsellyourselfshort
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2013 10:47am UTC
    I understand that scissors can beat paper. And I get how rock can beat scissors. But there's no way paper can beat rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around rock leaving it immobie? Why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors. Why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why. Because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear it up in two seconds. When I play rock paper scissors. I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in their face with my already clenched fist and say oh sorry, I thought paper would protect you.

  18. Alyssa Elton* Alyssa Elton*
    posted a quote
    June 22, 2013 2:16pm UTC
    Everyone has a family tree
    but I have a cactus full of pr.icks

  19. Alyssa Elton* Alyssa Elton*
    posted a quote
    June 20, 2013 3:11pm UTC
    I saw a spider in my bathtub,
    so, I got a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down

  20. Alyssa Elton* Alyssa Elton*
    posted a quote
    June 19, 2013 4:57pm UTC
    Isn't it odd how people kill flies
    just because their annoying. If people killed people for being annoying I would've died like 15 years ago

:)

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