My friend's eulogy is in the school end-of-term magazine and I really don't want to read it because
1. it was written by snobbish teachers who are going to make it sound wrong
2. it was a suicide and they wouldn't understand because they didn't know her
3. she was trans and they're really conservative
4. I don't know if my heart is ready for it
5. I don't know if I'm ready to revisit it yet again
6. I don't know if I ever will be
But I also want to read it because
1. I can't not
2. I feel I have to
3. I need to
4. I don't want to and that makes me feel like I should
I don't know if I'll ever stop being angry at her for doing it. I don't know if I'll ever stop being angry.
Amenah