a message to all the people
i went to middle school with
or more specifically, (you know who you are) the ones who bullied me. or yeah go head with your pi.ss a.ss invalid speech thinking that it "wasn't bullying" but i'm not going to get into that right now. we're going into 10th grade now, and i can honestly say i've changed a lot since the day of 8th grade promotion, walking out of the doors of the middle school with the feeling of relief. but, there's a lot of things that hasn't changed. yes, i'm still shy, insecure, have no friends loser etc. whatever the f;uck you thought of me you name it yes i still am thank you. i don't think any more highly of myself than i did that year. honestly all i wanted to do was get away from you. because i can completely and sincerely say that you've ruined my life. hell, your bs still haunts me to this day. all the sh;t you'd say at school about me, about my friends; how you'd exclude me, put me down, make me feel worthless. it might have seemed like nothing to you, but all you did was create a very long list for reasons to hate myself. i am not kidding i felt like i was a southern black girl in the 1950's constantly harrassed by a bunch of ra.cist white people but instead by just anyone and for being shy. i cried almost every night before school and felt nauseous every day before i'd leave the house and go because i'd wonder if that'd be the day that i'd just break down and cry during the middle of class. i didn't know how much more i could take without ending it all so i tried to get away as far as possible without asking my parents to sell the house and move out of town. and it's kind of working, i'm still not okay but i am better. not many people like me but it is better than being treated like trash every single day. so please just know i am still trying to recover from all the pain you've put me through. don't interrupt that process by reminding me of how i was back in middle school with you because thank you captain obvious i am already 100% aware. if you have sh;t to say about then, then please don't say anything at all; learn how to put the past behind you. you'd have no idea how happy i'd be if i could just move out of this town all together, unfortunately i can't. but i am still proud of myself. i am proud of myself for making it through 8th grade. i am proud of myself for resisting those terribly constant urges to press a blade against my skin. i am 100% serious i did not think i would have a 14th birthday, i am proud of myself for not sending myself to the hospital for a failed suicide attempt. f.u.ck sh.i.tty people, life is worth it. so guys, i hope you know that what you've done to me was bullying, and the effects will probably last a lifetime. and if you think this is funny or silly, and if you're just going to be a fu.cka.ss and blame it on me, you are truly disgusting and i do not understand how you live with yourself every day. so this is what the life was like for one of the "mutes" if you were ever wondering. i hope you realize now that what you've done (and are doing) is wrong.
gab*