Sha(me)
6 years old,
happy face and happy belly
I remember my yellow and blue swimsuit
and not using floaties for the first time
no one would've guessed that i was 6 years old
and the bad voices were already there.
fat, fat, fat, fat, fat
I didn't know why I wasn't like the pink and purple
swimsuited girls I called my best friends.
9 years old,
crooked heart and hairline
I was very, very alone for the very first time
and the pink and purple shoed girls laughed at the
big books in my flimsy arms.
The pink and purple girls did handstands while I sat,
picking nervously at my skirt and making acquaintances
with the bad voices in my head.
stupid, fat, stupid, fat, stupid
12 years old,
choked-down tears and chubby face
and I liked three boys and none of them liked me.
They liked the skinny-minnie pink and purple bra'd
girls with long straight hair and high-pitched cackles.
stupid, fat, unwanted, fat, stupid, unwanted
My arms carried my friends' arms now,
but it made no difference. The bad voices knew better.
I am 15 years old
smaller body but not small enough,
and the pink and purple girls still win it all.
The bad voices poison me every day, they poison
the me in the hallway
the me in the mirror
the me in my warm bed
the me in the cold world
the me on my therapist's sofa
the me in my head
the me in front of a plate
the me in front of an exam
But I will face the voices and I will sew their lips together
and I will start to use my own more.
I am waiting waiting waiting
I hate this, I tried
teenidle