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Status: REAL TALK: http://rookiemag.com/2011/10/all-i-want this is amazing.

Member Since: 27 Aug 2012 07:02am

Last Seen: 3 Sep 2019 06:13am

Gender: F

user id: 327656

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  1. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    March 9, 2015 3:56pm UTC
    - Name: Sara.
    - Eye Color: dark brown, nearly black.
    - Hair Style/Color: curly light brown hair.
    - Height: 5"3
    - Clothing style: basics on basics on basics
    - Best physical feature: hands & tummy
    - Your fears: disappointing the people who believe in me.
    - Your guilty pleasure: dance moms, drinking
    - Ambitions for the future: happines + art making + good people around me
    - Your first thoughts waking up: gotta do it
    - What you think about most: schoolwork
    - What you think about before bed: the joys of sleep
    - You think your best quality is: light-heartedness, sociability. i make people feel comfortable in most situations, and i'm so glad!
    - Single or group dates: group
    - To be loved or respected: with respect comes a form of love
    - Beauty or brains: brains become beauty!
    - Dogs or cats: cats
    - Lie: yes.
    - Believe in yourself: yes.
    - Believe in love: yes.
    - Want someone: nope!
    - Been on stage: yes.
    - Done drugs: yes.
    - Changed who you were to fit in: no.
    - Favorite color: blue.
    - Favorite animal: cats.
    - Favorite movie: too many to say!
    - Favorite game: card games are fun!
    - Day your next birthday will be: july 23rd, whatever that may be
    - How old will you be: 17
    - Age you lost your virginity: not quite yet.
    - Does age matter: not really! once you're in high school, there's a good +- 2 year boundary that is okay.
    - Best personality: funny, kind, outgoing.
    - Best eye color: anything goes
    - Best hair color: see above!
    - Best thing to do with a partner: watch a movie and never really watch it during.
    - I love: people
    - I feel: concerned but okay
    - I hide: not much at all.
    - I miss: my best friend.
    - I wish: to do well for a good long while

  2. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    June 14, 2014 7:17am UTC
    In the name of science
    To pinch and poke and examine was just my nature
    I was a scientist, my body was a great experiment
    yet I feared manically that it was failing.
    Acid climbed my throat
    Pennies were dropped in a bucket
    I felt itchy where I could not scratch
    and my biggest aspirations were pushed aside.
    I had to give all of myself to The Great Experiment,
    even if I was dying.
    I changed profession.
    I am distant from that now, I swear, I am, I promise!
    All habits dropped, says the brave face.
    I'm not dying, but I am lying.
    Rare calculations still flutter in the brain
    The balance in my mind is too quick to see what's heaviest
    too much, too much, too much, you daft girl
    The bruises on my knees and elbows reappear.
    I clench my fists to remind me my hands can create beautiful things.
    I stomp feet to to feel the floor, I am here and I am present.
    I close my eyes to picture a place where I am happy without this.
    I take deep breaths because my lungs work despite my reckless cruise to ruin myself.
    The Great Experiment is never quite over.

  3. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    May 18, 2014 7:45am UTC
    i don't have the guts to wither away anymore
    i fear the bones under my skin and fragile hair
    i fear a stomach that beats it's drum, crying for attention
    i feel too much to stuff myself full like an old pillow
    i feel the heaviness, i feel the guilt to my very core
    i can't hug something that will never hug me back
    i resort to shaking hands, watering eyes, and a restless mind
    it is better to learn to harness my thoughts
    than to blindly follow them

  4. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    April 24, 2014 1:26pm UTC
    silent sisters, locked hands
    taunting at the border lines
    how can i hault the flood inside?
    stillness would be so sweet
    but my toes are drowining

  5. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    March 24, 2014 2:10pm UTC
    how to be happier than before
    (much needed rewrite of an oldie)
    1) love your friends as fiercely as possible.
    2) take three deep breaths before you go to sleep every night. remind yourself of the simple actions your body can do on it's own.
    3) when in doubt, ask. swallow the fear of embarrassment because no one will get upset with you for needing help. learn to ask slowly and kindly. shy away from demanding something or denying it, too. plant both feet on the ground, look up, and ask.
    4) protect yourself, but don't fear vulnerability. getting hurt will teach you the lesson of when to build up your walls vs. when to let them down.
    5) learn to forget the negative, try to forgive the negative, always attract the positive. positive vibes will only circulate around you if you welcome them in. send out as much good energy as you feel you can.
    6) make lists when your mind is restless. cataloguing your mind will help you feel there is order in a seemingly scary world.
    7) try to love yourself. talk yourself up in your mind and comfort yourself when you fall. treat yourself gently. imagine you are a plant. you need sunshine, water, food and love to grow into a fully formed being. don't deprive yourself of any of these. attach your self worth to nothing at all because you're worth something stable, not something that changes. count the leaves on the trees during spring.
    8) if you're struggling, just close your eyes and tell yourself you are so much more than you think you are. trust your silly manta because it's true, and open your eyes again.
    i'm not saying i do these like i totally don't but I'M TRYING and that's what matters ** from the original and as relevant as ever today.

  6. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    February 28, 2014 6:48pm UTC
    i am not yours to be fixed
    you can't glue pieces of me together
    or attempt recontruction on a bridge i have to start myself
    i'll draw the blueprint
    i'll build it with my own hands and kiss the blisters on my palms
    this is something i have to do for myself
    you can't walk me through it,
    so please don't try

  7. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    February 16, 2014 4:37pm UTC
    hold my hand when i need you to, please please please

  8. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    January 14, 2014 1:35pm UTC
    Lil Poems
    let me do the nice things that kind people do
    i can let myself be that type of raw
    the gates shut at 4 on the dot
    too late, turn around, my eyes are closed
    the gates can forgive you this time
    it's okay, come back, my hands are open
    red strings tie me to a million things
    why can't one of them be you, damn it
    my hands shake violently because i feel alone
    i am tangling the strings

  9. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    November 11, 2013 1:48pm UTC
    i still love you but it's a different love
    it's a love of what could have been
    what never was
    it's a comfortable love.
    i am not afraid anymore of the big words in my head,
    nor of the small words from your mouth
    because i know this is our way of being, and it's enough
    coexistance scared me as much as kissing did
    i wanted you closer without taking off the costume
    i wanted to stay an illusion
    i shouldn't have expected you to become real
    i still love you, and it's okay this way

  10. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    November 3, 2013 6:47am UTC
    And when you feel like you're a tourist
    in the city you were born,
    then it's time to go and define your destination
    with so many different places to call home.
    'Cause when you find yourself a villain
    in this story you have written,
    it's plain to see that sometimes the best intentions
    are in need of redemptions,
    would you agree?
    If so, please show me.

  11. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    October 5, 2013 8:11am UTC
    keep bathing yourself in booze
    and painting your eyes with cigarette ash
    your mask is crumbling off your face
    i see the fear
    the person who wants to be more more more
    even though you always had
    more more more than everyone else.
    being a wasted youth is boring the court
    i object, we object, we're all against you!
    or at least, that's what you tell yourself when
    you guzzle the fire

  12. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    September 22, 2013 6:19am UTC
    i'm scared the red string
    around my little finger never got tied
    to someone else's.
    i am floating alone and swimming in the ocean,
    looking at the stars and kissing dolphin's noses.
    sometimes i can be enough for myself.
    the eyes in my hands try to see the
    big truth but my vision is blurry and i am stumbling.

  13. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    August 23, 2013 5:24pm UTC
    i think about you all the time
    i think about how i never want you to touch me
    and how you drop an opinion if it offends someone else
    i think about your bony frame not fitting mine
    your skeleton heart not pulsating quicker when you see me
    and how you prefer my hair straight, anyway
    i think about you arms around me and them
    feeling like doors, locking me in
    i was double surrounded, my walls and your doors
    and i fooled myself into feeling good about it
    i think about your empty eye that glittered only
    when we argued and your plaid shirt and cardigan that
    i thought i liked then,
    i think about the words we exchanged
    and the promises you made. you said i was your
    treasure chest, you're secret number one
    i punch myself in the heart throat lungs
    for ever thinking that was good and ever thinking
    that you were good enough for me.
    i am a golden princess who is trying and you are a weak hearted ghost

  14. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    July 21, 2013 6:49pm UTC
    i do not want to blossom,
    i want to wilt, shrink and go back into the ground.
    i want to be surrounded by the earth i came from,
    feel the roots of trees like wispy hair and talk to the bunnies in their burrows.
    i want to swim into the soil and sleep with the bones of lost people.

  15. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2013 8:03am UTC
    i am trying to learn
    that my friends do like me
    and i should, too
    that my parents what the best for me,
    and i should, too
    that people can truly forgive,
    and i should, too.

  16. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    June 16, 2013 6:59am UTC
    flowers bloom from the cracks in my concrete brain,
    and you smash them back in every chance you get.
    i do hope you feel big,
    standing on the grave of the ghosts that haunt me.
    ughhhhhhhhh i'm such a sadsack

  17. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    June 4, 2013 1:19pm UTC
    6 years old,
    happy face and happy belly
    I remember my yellow and blue swimsuit
    and not using floaties for the first time
    no one would've guessed that i was 6 years old
    and the bad voices were already there.
    fat, fat, fat, fat, fat
    I didn't know why I wasn't like the pink and purple
    swimsuited girls I called my best friends.
    9 years old,
    crooked heart and hairline
    I was very, very alone for the very first time
    and the pink and purple shoed girls laughed at the
    big books in my flimsy arms.
    The pink and purple girls did handstands while I sat,
    picking nervously at my skirt and making acquaintances
    with the bad voices in my head.
    stupid, fat, stupid, fat, stupid
    12 years old,
    choked-down tears and chubby face
    and I liked three boys and none of them liked me.
    They liked the skinny-minnie pink and purple bra'd
    girls with long straight hair and high-pitched cackles.
    stupid, fat, unwanted, fat, stupid, unwanted
    My arms carried my friends' arms now,
    but it made no difference. The bad voices knew better.
    I am 15 years old
    smaller body but not small enough,
    and the pink and purple girls still win it all.
    The bad voices poison me every day, they poison
    the me in the hallway
    the me in the mirror
    the me in my warm bed
    the me in the cold world
    the me on my therapist's sofa
    the me in my head
    the me in front of a plate
    the me in front of an exam
    But I will face the voices and I will sew their lips together
    and I will start to use my own more.
    I am waiting waiting waiting
    I hate this, I tried

  18. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    April 28, 2013 10:15am UTC
    For You, Everything Is Always For You
    the only time you manage pretend
    not to love me
    and convince anyone
    is when i'm not talking to you.
    you get so close i can feel
    the crack in my wall growing
    it reaches out
    looking like a cobweb
    but i am a handy repairman,
    and i cement the crack shut before
    you force it to grow any bigger.
    you must keep my secrets
    you know hidden somewhere in
    your ribcage,
    next to your heart
    between your lung
    close enough to know it's there
    far enough to pretend you don't care
    that you keep these
    of me inside of you.
    maybe if i paint over you with poetry,
    these pieces of art will fill up the hole
    you take up
    the hole you've filled
    (not wholly
    only partially,
    just enough for
    me to notice.)
    every day
    for four f ♥ cking years
    maybe if i paint over you with poetry,
    i'll finally forget you
    "I have noticed the way you still look at me and I wish you would quit looking."

  19. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    April 25, 2013 2:50pm UTC
    i am a waste of particles
    stardust should've found a way
    to arrange into someone more
    capable than i.

  20. teenidle teenidle
    posted a quote
    April 19, 2013 1:54pm UTC
    being a feminist
    means nothing more
    than wanting equality
    for women
    so don't tell me what
    i'm advocating,
    'cause i've fυcking got it,
    got it?


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