Hey guys
So I'm thinking about entering a poetry scholarship(even though my chances are slim to none) but for me to enter something I would need it to be perfect, or as close as I can get it. I have a piece I'm considering using but was wondering if someone(Or multiple someones) would read over it and give me their honest opinion on it, and any critiques they have. Please guys I could really use opinions.
UNKNOWN: (Still have to name it)
White noise conversations drone on
I tumble deeper into the crevices
Engulfed in midnight blackness I watch
As those around me dance in the sun's rays
I am consumed by a sense of nothing
Emptiness eats at my soul
Sodden with paint splattered blood drops and tears
Fallen from my dry eyes and bracelet covered wrists
Painted expressions give fradulent assurance of wellness
Plans of release run rampant- a blaze like wild fire
Release escapes me, evading my grasp
Mental torment surpassing physical agony
The unthinkable surrounds- a looming executioner
Desire fills me, impelling me to the edge
Shrieking whisperes of worthlessness overwhelm
Demons calling for blood dripping off the tips of my fingers
Red, black, blinding white pain
Shoving and forcing the plan into effect
The executioner drops her axe
I breath my final breath
I'm really kind of struggling on this poem because it can only be 20 lines and most of my best work has 40+ lines. So please honestly tell me if anything doesn't sound right, is awkward. A word, a line, anything. If something doesn't flow or doesn't fit in with the pattern of the poem. Like honestly guys anything. Thank you, it means a lot.
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