As I try and right this,
deleting this many times not knowing what the hell to start off
with. I'm wasting away, to me I'm useless I have no value
at all my life is meaningless. Sometimes I lay in my bed,
thinking to myself If I could kill myself, I day dream about
hanging myself at times and how it'd feel. Sometimes I think
I need to see a psychiatrist but I just keep it to myself unless
someone asks (most of the time I tend keep to myself). The only
reason why I'm writing about this is that I do want to care
about things, I want feelings I want to feel something but I
cannot feel anything. I can't feel sympathy for anything,
sometimes animals but that's because they're
harmless/defenseless they do not think about race, gender,
political views etc. I have a very loving boyfriend but sometimes
I cannot deal with leading someone on because I just feel that
one of these days I'm actually going too do it. I even joke
with him about selling my soul to Satan but not giving him an
actual reason why, I'm sure you'd see this so I'd
just go ahead and say it; Feelings.. I'd sell my soul to
actually feel something, instead of nothing.. I want to FEEL. I
do also want to point out to my boyfriend that sometimes why I
always assume something is because I don't want to get hurt
in fear of it pushing me closer and closer.. Since usually
that's how our arguments start, I know you're also
fearful of being hurt but I know you can bounce back from that
and move on but I cannot.. It'd stick with me for the rest of
my life, picking at me bits by bits. Then I try and drink every
night because I cannot deal with myself anymore, I see my future
non-existent I see the next few years of my life getting worse. I
try and change myself but it's hard.. I just want to make the
people who I care about happy before/if I actually do
something.
Guess that's enough for today.
