This is FICTION.

 

To all the people who lost their lives at the Sandy Hook school shooting:

 

  To my little angel,

 

  I miss you, more than you'll ever know.

  If I knew that morning of December fourteenth that you were going to die only hours later, I would have done something. When I got the phone call that your body had been found and you were dead, I was numb. Nobody can prepare themselves to hear that their child has been shot dead while at school. Nobody.

  I see your face everywhere now. At the grocery store, when I see other mothers with their children. I feel empty inside, knowing that I can't tuck you in to bed anymore, can't tell you I love you anymore, can't see your beautiful face like I used to.

  The day of your funeral, I told myself that it never had happened. It was just a bad nightmare, and at any moment I would wake up to find you safe and in my arms. The holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration and family, but I don't feel anything.

  Remember every Saturday, how I would make you hot cocoa? You used to love drinking hot chocolate so much I had to buy two big bags of hot chocolate mix. You especially loved the little marsh mellows that were on the top, you loved them so much you'd save them for very last. When I look in the cabinet and see all of them I can't help but think of you and how I can't get rid of them or let anyone drink that hot chocolate. It was something only meant for me and you to do, nobody else.

  Going into your bedroom sends electricity running from my toes to my head. Your drawing of our family still hangs proudly on our wall. Your bed remains unmade, but now it doesn't make me upset to see. Your Superman boxers are laying on the ground, and I remember you running around the house in those with your red blanket as a cape.

  I used to think that these things only happened to other people. When I would hear about it on the news, I'd feel sorry for them, but I wouldn't do anything about it. Now I know what it's like to lose someone so tragically. You cannot fully understand those people's situations until you go through them yourself.

  You had a big, bright future ahead of you. I remember you telling me you wanted to be a fireman so that you could put out fires and ride in the giant fire truck. All of your fireman helmets lay on the ground beside the rest of your toys that nothing had happened, and I'm too afraid to touch them. Anything that reminds me of you hurts so bad it brings physical pain to me.

  I can't bear to imagine what the holidays will be for us. Your grandma had bought you a giant Lego set, the one you say at Toys 'R Us? You were to small to see it up high on the shelf, so daddy had to put you on his shoulders. You loved when he did that, said it made you feel bigger than anybody else. You liked that a lot, I can tell.

  In the Bible, God says to forgive those who hurt you. The man that killed you on that horrific day needs forgiveness. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, after how he committed such a heartless act that day, But God says that no matter how big the sin, he forgave them all, no second thoughts. It's hard to act like God in that way, but I've been telling myself to forgive. Trust me, little angel, I won't forget.

  We hadn't told you yet, little angel, but I'm having a baby. We were going to tell you Christmas morning after we read the Christmas story and opened presents. It's going to be another little boy, just like you. I already know what his middle name will be, Jacob, in your remembrance.

  I love you, little angel. Just remember, we'll be together again someday.