Lately, I have come across a stumbling point in my life where I am just bored. I don't have anything to say anymore. Usually, I love having opinions, but as of late, I don't care. And it's not that I don't have an opinion, because I do, it's just that I don't care enough about it to want to share it and I don't want to deal with opposing thoughts. And not only have I not wanted to share them, I have begun to not know how to. How do I write that I do not agree with something? Or I am tired of hearing something? How do I write something in a way it has not been written before? What is the point if it has been said? Why does it need to be said again? It doesn't. I don't even know how to write the rest of this quote! I guess you could call it writers block, but in my mind I am not a writer. The only reason I write anything is to share my opinions. It isn't to attract thousands of fascinated followers or for fun. It is solely because no one is around to listen to my opinions so I write them down instead. I don't even mind if no one reads them, just the thought of having my thoughts and ideas out in the world excites me — or used to.
I have just forgotten how to express myself, and every time I try to, I fail, which makes me want to try less and less. It doesn't help that my spelling and vocabulary skills have worsened, because that just makes me even less motivated to try, although I suppose it should encourage me to do the opposite. It makes me aggravated toward myself for losing my passion for self expression. I enjoyed it and despised it at the same time, which made it all the more interesting. It came to me, intuitively (sorry for the rhyming) and I did not have to think or to meticulously scan my work like I am doing so now - I just knew that it was good, or at least intriguing - which made it all the more enjoyable for me to write it. I have even stopped drawing, painting and music because I am now scared of being bad. I don't understand where this came from, two years ago I was making ten quotes a day and now I am lucky to make one quote a month! I have no excuses for this either, and that is the worst part - admitting that this is wholly my own fault and that I do not know how to fix it.
And I am not saying that I am unable to express my opinions or to write them down, I am just unable to do so in a way that I like and enjoy. My writing isn't impassioned anymore, it's dull, drab and dreary (that was unintentional alliteration, I swear), like a banking accountant (no offense, just a stereotypical example!) wrote it. I would compare reading my recent writings to reading terms and conditions, which may help you get more of a feel to what I mean, since no one has actually read anything that I have written lately — not that I have really written anything though, because when I write things, I write them directly onto a website, I don't pre-write things on a word document and then keep them from the world. As I have said, I love to share my thoughts (which probably comes from my arrogance and large sense of self pride) and to me the idea of writing something worth while and not showing it to at least three or four people is very selfish. It is that I have not been able to share anything because I feel that I have not been able to write anything worth sharing.
The same sort of thing applies to my tumblr. I have not been having a lot of fun with it because I am too worried about the things I am posting or reblogging or writing there, and it has become less of an enjoyable creative thing for me and more of a bore that leaves me feeling anxious and unhappy a majority of the time. Why is this? When did I change into this person that I have always disliked? I am still the same in many aspects, but I have also changed entirely in others and I am not sure I like it very much at all. For me, growing and changing as a person is hard, because I lose (maybe lose isn't the right word for this, but I don't feel like being particular about the words I choose at the moment) parts of my personality that I like but it's also fun because I learn so many things and I grow new parts of my personality that are so great, that I never thought I could possess! But that is a subject for a different quote.
On a more positive note (although this pretty much contradicts - contradicting myself is what I do best - what I just said about not being able to share my opinions) I think adding the rules to the side of the quotes page is a fantastic idea, although I haven't ever followed them and I doubt I ever will.
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