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Member Since: 3 Nov 2014 12:18am

Last Seen: 19 Dec 2014 10:21am

Birthday: December 24

Gender: F

user id: 387684

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merry christmas, i could care less 

rachel, fifteen//and all i want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me before you bury yourself alive

  1. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 10, 2014 1:21am UTC
    “Counting my achievements on one hands,
    the main one is, I am still alive and another
    is, doing okay...will survive”

  2. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 10, 2014 1:18am UTC
    “Some days I woke up and got out of bed and brushed my teeth like any normal human being; some days I woke up and lay in bed and looked at the ceiling and wondered what the hell the point was of getting out of bed and brushing my teeth like any normal human being.

  3. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 10, 2014 1:13am UTC
    " O n e d a y y o u ' l l g e t s i c k o f s a y i n g e v e r y t h i n g ' s o k a y . "

  4. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 10, 2014 1:07am UTC
    “It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.
    A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.
    Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.
    You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.
    You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.
    Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.
    Stop thinking that everyone is having more s*x than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.
    I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.
    You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of sh*t doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it. Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?
    We shall see.”

  5. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 10, 2014 1:01am UTC
    because something in my heart told me that he would've comforted me. he would've held me.
    he would've made the pain go away.

  6. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 10, 2014 12:58am UTC
    “I’m sorry if I call you at 3 am.I just want to hear your voice.”

    3 am thoughts

  7. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 10, 2014 12:51am UTC
    She sees these visions, she feels emotion.
    She says that I cannot go, she sees my plane in the ocean.
    "And what about your friends? Don’t you love them enough to stay?"
    and I say
    "If I don’t leave now then I will never get away."
    — the front bottoms

  8. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 10, 2014 12:48am UTC
    it would have worked out so well

  9. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 10, 2014 12:45am UTC
    There is a map
    & I've got big plans.
    But I can see them slipping through
    the palms of my
    sweaty hands.
    Please don't remove this!

  10. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 5, 2014 1:12am UTC
    No one understands you; no one knows what you’re going through, you’re alone or at least that’s what you think. Nobody would care if you’re alive or not, you mean nothing to nobody. It’s night, and you slip into bed. ’Goodbye’ you whisper into the darkness. And with that, you take your last breathe and end it all.
    Nobody cares, right? Well you thought wrong.
    It’s a Tuesday the following morning, and when it’s 7:21, your mother comes and knocks on your door. She doesn’t know you can’t hear her, she doesn’t know you’re gone. She knocks a few more times, calling your name to open up. When there is no reply from your side of the door, she opens it and screams. She collapses on the ground while your dad rushes to your room. Your siblings have already left for school. Your very weak mother collects all the energy she’s got which, is close to nothing, to walk over to your bed. She leans over your dead body, crying, squeezing your hand, screaming. Your dad is trying to stay strong, but the tears escape his eyes; calling 911 with his left hand while his other one is on your mother’s back. Your mother blames herself. All those times she had said ‘no’ to you, all those times she had screamed at you, and sent you to your room over something stupid. Your father will blame himself for not being there for you when you asked for help, for being away from home at work for long.
    Nobody cares, right?
    8:34. There’s a knock on your classroom door, it’s the school principle. She looks more worried than ever. She calls the teacher to the side; all the students worried: what’s going on? The principle then later announces your suicide. The popular girl that always called you fat and ugly is now blaming herself. The kid that would always copy your homework but treat you like crap, he’s blaming himself. The boy that sits behind you, the one that always threw things at you during class, he’s blaming himself too. The teacher is blaming herself - for all those times she’d scream at you for forgetting your homework, or not listening in class. People are crying, screaming, shocked, in regret of what they did. They’ll all be devastated, even the kids you’ve never talked to before.
    Still nobody cares about you, right?
    Your siblings get home. Your mother has to tell them that you’re gone; forever. Your little sister, no matter how many times she’s screamed at you, told you she hated you and stole your stuff, always loved you, and saw you as her hero; her role model. She now starts to blame herself; why didn’t I do what she told me to do when she told me to? Why did I take her stuff even when she asked me not to? This is all my fault. Your brother gets home; the boy that never cries. He’s now in his room; mad at himself, he caused your death. All those times he’d played pranks on you. He’s punching holes in his wall, turning over things; he doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone. Forever.
    Nobody cares about you, right? Right?
    It has been over a month. The door to your room has been closed all this time. Everything is different now. Your brother has to be sent to anger management classes, your little sister cries everyday still waiting for you to come back. Everyday she waits for you to come back home. The popular girls have now turned anorexic. They don’t know how to deal with the pain that they’re feeling. Your father has depression; your mother hasn’t slept for nights, it’s all her fault. She’s been crying and screaming every night wishing for you to come back. The boy who would always bother you dropped out of school. The boy that copied your homework now cuts.
    But nobody cares about you, aren’t I right?
    Your mother finally decides to go clean out your room. But she can’t do it. She’s locked herself in your room for two days to try to clean up your clothes, your things. But she can’t she can’t say goodbye to you, not yet, not now. Never.
    It’s your funeral. It’s a big one - everybody comes. No one knows what to say. The beautiful girl with the big smile is gone; you’re somewhere else. No one knows what to say, they’re all still shocked. Everyone cries, everyone misses you. They all wish you’d come back but you don’t, and you won’t.
    Still think nobody cares about you? Think again. Even if people don’t show it, they care about you, they love you. If you kill yourself today or any other day you won’t know just how much you meant to people. If you kill yourself today, it stops your pain, but it pains all the ones who know you for the rest of their life. Suicide is the easy way out - but it’s the wrong choice. Life is beautiful. Yes, it does have its ups and downs, and everyone has their bad days. Sometimes people go through tough times in their lives, alike what you're going through now but bad times come and go. You might not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s there. No matter how hard life gets, never give up on yourself, or on your life. Take a minute now, and think. If you killed yourself - how would the people that love you feel and go through? Can’t think of anything? Well I’ll tell you: tears, tears, and more tears. Devastation. Guilt. Pain. Broken. Regret. Miserable.
    If after reading this you still feel suicidal, there are people that can help you. There are teachers, parents, grandparents, neighbors, adults, councilors - they’re all there for you whenever you need them.

  11. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 5, 2014 12:41am UTC
    "this is me asking for help. this is me reaching out, and admitting that i'm in need of assistance. i'm scared. i'm terrified. i used to fall asleep and pray to god that'd wake up, but now i pray to god that i don't. i've cried thousands of tears, and i've done things that really f*cked me up, and i just want to get better. and i'm sorry that it's 3am and i just woke you up, but i needed you to know that i want to get better. i'm sick of feeling empty, like i do all this sh*t for other people, and i leave myself with nothing. i'm going to stop hurting other people. i'm going to stop pretending i'm okay, when i'm really not. it scared me, it really did. i've gotten so used to picking myself off, brushing off the dust and telling myself that'd i'd be okay, that i would keep going and everything would be okay, but this time, i was lying on my floor, and i couldn't do it. i couldn't pick myself up. that scared the sh*t out of me."

  12. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 4, 2014 2:09am UTC
    get to know me uncomfortably well
    Name? ​rachel
    Middle name? stephanie
    Nickname? rach
    What did your parents almost name you? sydney
    Single or taken? taken
    Birthplace? tulsa, ok
    Currently living in? dallas, texas
    Siblings? 14 year old brother
    Elementary school? cooper elementary school
    Middle school? fred f florence middle school
    High school? ww samuell high school
    Hair color? brown
    Eye color? brown
    Birthday? december 24th
    Gender? female
    Left or right handed? right
    Happy? yea
    Are you in love? yeah
    Do you believe in love at first sight? yupp
    Who ended your last relationship? i did
    Have you ever broken someones heart? i guess
    Are you afraid of commitment? nah
    Have you hugged someone in the last week? yea
    Last fight? with william
    Have you had your first kiss? yea lol
    Have you done oral? ya
    Done the nasty? yess
    Ever broken your own heart? many times
    Do you spend valentines day alone? ya haha
    Lemonade or iced tea? iced tea
    Coke or pepsi? neither
    Cats or dogs? CATS
    Day or night? night
    Makeup or au naturel? makeup
    Ever been caught sneaking out? nah
    Ever fallen down/up stairs? yeah ahah
    Ever skipped school? yes
    Ever passed out? yea
    Ever been really ill? yup
    Ever gotten high? ouiii
    Ever abused a substance? i guess
    Have you ever saved someones life? yes
    Were you ever not there for someone when they needed you? yea
    Last phone call? father
    Longest drive? 31 hours
    Last thing you ate? chocolate
    Last thing you did that hurt someone? i elbowed my boyfriend in the face??
    Last song you listened to? who i am hates who i've been
    Last person you texted? ruby
    Last person you talked to? beau
    Last person you watched a movie with? william
    Last person you saw cry? beau
    Last movie you watched? annabelle
    Is there one person you want to be with right now? i'm with him
    What does the last text you sent say? "i don't know what to do"
    Where did your last kiss take place and with whom? in my room with william
    Have you smoked a cigarette? yes
    Have you gotten so drunk you passed out? yeahh
    Put your music on shuffle and list the first five songs: seizure boy, everlasting light, latch, run away, and kill your heroes
    Can you go through a whole day without caffeine? sometimes
    Any scars? yea
    How many pets do you have? a cat
    Do you have a job? no
    Do you have a car? no
    Do you work out every week? yess
    What sports do you play? basketball
    Worse injury you've acquired from sports? a bloody nose
    Did you ever feel like you weren't good enough? yea
    The questions are over, how do you feel? idfk??

  13. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 4, 2014 12:05am UTC
    it kills me that he has scars. it rips my heart to shreds to know that i wasn't there, and he needed me. it constricts my throat when i think of what could have happened if i hadn't answered my phone all those times at 4 in the morning. it makes me hate myself when i think about the time i didn't answer the phone. it tears me apart when i remember his face, remember seeing him cry for the first time, remember holding his as he fell apart. it makes me realize how important he is to me, when time after time, i will still pick up every last one of his pieces.

  14. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 3, 2014 7:59pm UTC
    There's seven billion, forty-six million people on the planet, and most of us Have the audacity to think we matter.

  15. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 3, 2014 7:54pm UTC
    The first thing that happens
    is the world goes black
    You just hear a little snap
    when your neck rolls back
    You don't bite your tongue off,
    or foam at the lips And
    before you hit the ground
    there's a moment of bliss

  16. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 3, 2014 7:36pm UTC
    i turned around today in the cafeteria, and this kid's sitting alone, not even trying to hide the fact that he was staring at me, with a sandwich shoved in his mouth, chewing with lettuce like falling out of his mouth, i actually started crying like wtf

  17. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    December 1, 2014 1:06am UTC
    "You know, when he takes really long showers, you realize he's probably not just enjoying the water? He's probably sitting on the bathroom floor, back facing the door, staring at his palms, wondering what the hell he's doing. He's sixteen, it's the middle of the school year and he thousands of miles from home. How confused do you think he is? His brother died two years ago, and he's still not over it, yet on top of that, he lost his sister this year too. He's probably patting his pockets, looking for a razor, but not for his face, to drag across his skin. Have you seen his arms? Have you seen the scar etched into the crook of his elbow? "Worthless." He's the most sad he's ever been when he's with you, because you remind him of everything wrong in his life. You remind him of the sad conversations at 4am, because that's all there was between the two of you. You were just best friends. And now, he probably misses his ex. He heard you liked him, and he thought about the fact that he was so close to you, that he missed you so much, that he mistaked it for love. He knows he's not in love with you. You know it too. That's what he's doing. He's staring at his palms, and tears are welling up in his eyes, and he reaches for the shower because he needs to scold his skin under boiling hot water. He's desperately trying to feel something. By now, he's probably standing under the boiling hot water, tears streaming down his face, and he whispers softly to himself, "you need to keep it together." Come here, if you press your ear against the door, I bet you could hear him let out one sob. That's when he's momentarily lost control. There won't be any other sobs, he's regained his control. He's gonna finish washing himself, he's gonna towel off his hair, and he's going to walk out of that bathroom with a ridiculous grin plastered on his face. I would know, I've been there so many times."

  18. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    November 30, 2014 2:47am UTC
    "In Long Island, they choked that poor man to death. In Missouri, Mike Brown caught one in the head. Couple days later, they shot another [guy] 9 times and had the audacity to cuff him, after he was dead. All that blood spilled, all them tears shed, all these young, unfinished lives ended. If I [commit] murder I'll get 25 to life but if a cop commit[s] murder, he only get[s] suspended? F*ck your uniform, f*ck your badge, f*ck your weapon, [you're] supposed to protect us, instead you want us to fear you, and practice on us; all those lethal tactics that they teach you. Stop abusing your power, me and you are equal. You bleed? I bleed too. You eat sh*t? I eat [it] too. You [have] a family waiting for you [at] home, right? [Man], me too. You havin' a bad day? Yeah me too. When I'm havin' a bad day I don't get to walk around and shoot people. Kids used to wanna be you, now they wanna beat you. You used to be their hero, now their hero turned evil. Start defending the law, and stop defending your ego. Sh*t, they'll probably kill me if I ever release this video. And if so, Mister Officer just pray that the lord forgives you, forgives you for r*ping that teacher uptown by Inwood, and forgives you for shooting that kid that opened his door, with a WII remote in his hand, that you f*cking thought was a pistol."

  19. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    November 27, 2014 1:34am UTC
    /// you're talking with your friends,
    secrets they'll never keep,
    they're sitting on your bed;
    and all you want is sleep. \\\

  20. rach* rach*
    posted a quote
    November 27, 2014 1:32am UTC
    (( And I'm scared I'm gonna die as lonely as I feel right now. ))


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