scrappy

Status: broken..

Member Since: 11 Feb 2010 11:16pm

Last Seen: 23 Oct 2023 02:39am

user id: 101057

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Alyssa. 05/11/2013 <3
If I've every truly cared about you,
I'll think about you for the rest of my life.

scrappy
posted a quote
December 11, 2021 6:16am UTC

Well here we go again. Playing games with some friends, and I get singled out for being the reason "the team dynamic isn't working". That's after I got yelled at for playing characters differently than others or not the way they want me to. Then talking crap about the character I'm using because they don't want to "hurt my feelings" by telling me I suck to my face.
I immediately mute my mic and burst into tears. Then I pick myself up after completely falling apart and say, "That was my last one guys, goodnight."
Then I immediately break down, again.

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scrappy
posted a quote
November 25, 2021 8:18pm UTC

I hate holidays. I hate spending time with toxic people just because they’re “family”. I’m cancelling holidays from now on.

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scrappy
posted a quote
October 11, 2021 4:43am UTC

While sitting here trying to figure out my purpose in a world that seems to loath my existence. I've had the epiphany that I think my purpose is to care for those who cannot care for themselves. And if you can't care for yourself, then you can't care for others which means I'll strike out each and every time. It'll never matter what I do for them or how much I care for them. They will never be able to love me the way I love them. They'll never be able to care for me the way I care for them. My purpose is to make others feel like they have worth. All the while, I am chronically lonely without ever truly being alone. I don't want to do it anymore. Maybe that's selfish for not wanting to make others feel worthy of something, or feel loved without having it reciprocated back. I don't think I was ever meant to be happy. When is someone going to come along and make me feel worthy and loved? Where is that someone who won't just love me for the first few years and stop trying once they have me? Where is my person who drops everything for me because they want to see me happy, not because my sadness makes them feel guilty?
I don't think that person exists. It doesn't have to be a significant other, but what about even just a friend? A friend that doesn't make me feel like a burden when I talk to them? A friend that texts first? A friend that keeps my secrets and doesn't judge me for anything? A friend that puts me ahead of other friends like I would for them?
Who am I kidding?

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scrappy
posted a quote
July 17, 2021 4:17pm UTC

It got bad enough again.

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scrappy
posted a quote
May 31, 2021 3:46am UTC

What is wrong with me? Why am I worthless to other people? What did I do to suffer like this?

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scrappy
posted a quote
November 21, 2020 10:41pm UTC

If I were to disappear and stop talking to everyone, no one would even notice. I don't get phone calls or texts from anyone. People tell me they'll call me and they never do. Even if it's just "right after we get back from lunch". I get forgotten about easily I guess. I know that I'm just one person in the entire world... one tiny speck in the entire universe, but why do I feel like I have to wander through it alone? Why doesn't someone think about me and send me messages or even memes just to tell me they were thinking about me? When someone I think is a friend is having a rough time, I ALWAYS reach out.. no matter what and try to support them any way I can. I try to make sure they know that I'm always here if they wanna talk or do whatever to get their minds off of whatever is bothering them. And when I do, they always tell me they care about me too and that they will be there for me too, but they don't. They don't reach out. They don't text just to say hi. Why don't they check in on me? I just don't understand why I've been cursed. Cursed to love, cherish, and have empathy for everyone around me, yet I'm not even a blip on anyone's radar. Am I too weird? Am I mean? Do I say the wrong things? Am I too ugly or fat? Like, I just don't understand. I really don't understand why I always feel so alone. I try and try to make friends. I try to be someone's friend. It just never works out, and at this point.. it's been so long I'm not sure it ever will work out for me. I'm not going to hurt myself; I don't have the urge to. I just want to understand. I want to see me through someone else's eyes. I want to know what is so bland and so transparent about me that I am invisibile to basically the entire world. I just want to be found.. by a group of people who check in on me, care about me, and let me know they're thinking of me. A group of people that I can actually call friends.

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scrappy
posted a quote
November 15, 2020 6:03pm UTC

What is the point of my existence?No one can stand to be around me.I alienate myself for other people’s happiness.Even at the expense of my own.Makes me wonder if I was justbetter off never being born.

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scrappy
posted a quote
September 20, 2020 6:30pm UTC

I thought I had worth, but according to literally everyone else... I don’t. All of my boyfriends’ parents hated me and made or wanted them to break up with me. My school teachers expected nothing or the worst from me. My co-workers complain about me in general and me isolating myself, but when I try to connect they push me away. It seems like no matter what I do, I am never enough. What is wrong with me? I would give the shirt off my back for someone. I would be there for them no matter what. I would support them, even if their opinions and decisions didn’t match mine. I would fight for them, and stick up for them. I would genuinely care about their thoughts and feelings. I would do damn near anything for them; for a good friend. But I’d never get any of that back. I never have. Like everyone has apparently been trying to tell me my entire life, I just have no worth. I am disposable. I am a burden and weirdo. Why am I here ? Why was I given life when I have no one who cares enough to share it with ? What’s the point ?

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scrappy
posted a quote
September 20, 2020 6:16pm UTC

It all just feels like it was a game.You only wanted me more becausethey wanted you to leave me.Are your feelings even real?

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scrappy
posted a quote
August 6, 2020 9:13pm UTC

I don't know why, but I get stuck in this loop of reading our old quotes. I guess I just like to reminisce about life back then.
I read some of the quotes and all I can do is just cry. I cry at the sad ones, and I cry at the happy ones. I wonder what
life would be like if we both tried to make it work at the same time. It seems timing was a major issue for us. But now there
is no us and that's okay. I am happy where I am now in my relationship. I think what gets me the most is all of the wild and
unfiltered emotions that we shared. Now we're strangers. We both know you hurt me, and we both know that I hurt you.
Knowing that, I am so unimaginably sorry for everything. Just know, that I was unaware of the pain that I put you through
while it was happening. At the time, I may not have cared because it was the same way you hurt me. How you pretty much
left me behind. Although, that doesn't make it any better or right. I will never not be sorry for how things went on both ends.
No matter how much I look back or replay memories, the sorrow and the guilt never gets any easier. I wish it did.
Maybe that's why I keep writing about it?

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scrappy
posted a quote
August 5, 2020 8:12pm UTC

I wish we didn't reduce ourselves to being strangers again.

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scrappy
posted a quote
May 10, 2020 10:05pm UTC

click to see this quote

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scrappy
posted a quote
April 20, 2020 7:20am UTC

sick of crying,
tired of trying.
yeah i'm smiling,
but inside I'm dying. ♥

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scrappy
posted a quote
April 20, 2020 6:33am UTC

Hey you,
little did you know
that I was the one that wanted to vent
~Sincerely,
Someone with no one to talk to.

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scrappy
posted a quote
April 12, 2020 4:22am UTC

Hello There;
I've missed you.

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scrappy
posted a quote
February 15, 2020 6:21pm UTC

i hate my birthday. its always the day i feel like the biggest burden.

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scrappy
posted a quote
April 7, 2018 1:02pm UTC

why is it so hard for me to cut anymore ?everytime i try, i cant ever bring myself to do it.i hold the blade against my skin but it doesnt move.i used to get such a rush out of it.it used to take the pain away.i dont know what changed or why.but i cant, and i wish i could.

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scrappy
posted a quote
January 28, 2018 8:22pm UTC

Oh the wonders my mind seeks

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scrappy
posted a quote
September 29, 2017 12:16am UTC

I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want people trying to “fix” me or trying to “help” me. I want to be left alone. I want to be understood. And I want to be able to do what I want. Am I strong enough to overcome self infliction? Am I strong enough to keep the monsters inside me at bay? No. No, probably not. But I’ll be damned if I let them stay. So I’ll give up this time, like I always do.. and let them pass through. Then, I’ll be okay for a little while. Then, I’ll finally be fine. Sooner or later, they’ll come back though. They always do..

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scrappy
posted a quote
July 4, 2017 11:32am UTC

It happened so long ago.
Why do I still care ?
Why does it still hurt ?
I just want it to stop.

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