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This is what I went through this past year and why my confessions are so heartbroken.
It's long btw
"Take a walk into my life. I bet you trip on the first step"
That girl up there. She looks like she's happy in those pictures, doesn't she? She's not. You see, in January of her freshman year, a boy came along. But this wasn't just any boy. It was her best guy friend of seven years. Let's call him carrot. Hell, his name's Garrett, but now, to her and all of her friends, he's carrot. Anywhooo, she had liked him for about six months now. January 17th, her Facebook chat pings. She is surprised to see his name come up. They talk about pointless stuff until he tells her that they should hang out. A smile comes across her face, because she's been wishing this would happen. She's been talking to another boy, but she doesn't really have feelings for him. A week later, he admits that he has liked her since mission trip, six months ago..the time she started liking him. He tells her that he loves her. He says he'll stay with her forever and the only reason he'll break up with her is if she cheats on him. He tells her every day how beautiful she is and how much he loves her. She goes on a date with her best friend. Everything is perfect. They go to see Little Fockers for their first date. They kiss. Her first kiss. They hold hands. They start to make out. Her first make out session. His tongue is in her mouth. Her first French kiss. Next thing she knows, he's feeling her up and he's got a hand on her leg inside her pants. Her first time getting felt up. She tells him to stop and he does. They continue to kiss and makeout though, and she's fine with that. He asks her out. She says yes. Later that night, he texts her and tells her that his asking her out wasn't special enough for him and he wants to hold off on that. Next thing she knows, he's not talking to her. Two days after their date, he IM's her and tells her that he doesn't wanna ruin the friendship. She cries a little bit, but she understands. Fast forward a month. It's February 15th. She cried on Valentine's Day because she's still in love with him. But she puts on her fake smile and gets through that school day. Next thing she knows, he tells her that he still likes her. They go on another date to see The Roommate. Shit goes down here. They're making out and he slips a hand in her pants, into her underwear. She grabs his arm and tells him that she's not ready for him to finger her. He tells her to let him, that she won't regret it and tries to go for it. She tugs his arm and tells him she'll regret it when he leaves. He fights back and tries to get his hand farther, "Just one touch baby. We'll be together forever" She manages to pull hard enough that he gets the hint. Next thing she knows, they're not cuddling anymore and he hasn't kissed her after that. She tells her mom that he was a perfect gentleman. Her mom has no idea of any of the stuff he says to her or half of the stuff he does with her. She doesn't think anything of their lack of PDA until the next day when he's not talking to her again. She tries to brace herself emotionally because she knows what's coming. He doesn't love her anymore. A week of no talking and she wakes up one morning with a text. She spots the name "Garrett (:". She knows what it says before she opens it. "Can we just be friends, I don't wanna ruin our friendship." She can't help but let the tears fall. She really loved that boy. A week later, it's her best friend's birthday party. He's her best friend's brother. She puts on makeup and finds a cute outfit to wear. He stays away from the party, but the other girls hit on him. She sits in silence, tears in her eyes. He catches her eye once and she doesn't think he knows what's on her mind. As she's leaving she waves and looks down. He says a simple bye. She's close to tears as she gets in the car, because she knows before all of this, he would've hugged her. She texts him later that night and asks if it's gonna be like last time, where he'll be back in a few days. He tells her it won't. She lies on her floor, silent, hot tears streaming down her face. She's never been this broken over a guy. Two weeks later, she's in charge of telling the teens that there is a mission trip meeting on Sunday. She texts him and he simply says that he's not going. She's both glad and upset that he's not. She replies "okay." Normally, he wouldn't reply after that, but this time he replies with a "so what's up?". She knows something's up. She says "Listening to music. Wbu?" because that's all she does anymore. His response is "Watching a movie all alone :(" She laughs, but can't believe it. She immediately texts her best friend, his sister, who tells her to be cautious. She replies to him, "Aww poor Garrett. :(" He asks if someone would like to join him. She replies that someone would love to. He goes into asking how far she would let him go. What she wants to do with him. How long until she'll fuck him. He asks if he'll send him a normal picture and she says yes, once she gets home from her softball meeting. She gets home and sends it. She's wearing a hoodie and basketball shorts. His reply isn't the usual 'you're beautiful baby' or 'damn you look so good babe'. It's 'Aw. No panties :(' She's immediately pissed. All she replies is 'Sorry?' and he asks when he can get that picture. She tells him that he can have it when he can make a commitment to her. His reply is the worst thing he could've said. "K." Her response? "What is your issue?" He says idk and she demands he tells her. He says nothing and she continues to demand. He breaks her again. "I just wanna do stuff with you. I don't wanna stay with you. Sorry." She's pissed and then that turns into completely hurt. She sits on the bathroom floor, balling her eyes out. On March 21st, her phone rings. It's a text. "Garrett." She hesitates to open. "I'm sorry for everything, can you please forgive me." He tells her he still likes her. She hopes fourth time's a charm. She tells him everything, all the tears she's cried for the past five days. He feels terrible. A few days later, they get in a fight because he tells her that he's not sure if something more is gonna come out of this. Looking back, she sees she should've walked away here. She goes to school the next day with him on her mind. He texts her and apologizes after school. Things are better. He tells her he's staying this time. He tells her how bad he wants her. She laughs because she wants him so badly, but she doesn't want to lose her virginity. She's only fourteen. A day later, she receives a devastating blow. His best friend got broken up with and he doesn't want to see her like that. The next day she asks him if that's the real reason of if he just doesn't like her. He says it's a mixture of both. This girl becomes two totally different people. Normally, she'd be happy all day. That's what people knew her for. Nothing ever got her down. Now, she tries to put on an act. Some people believe it, her closest friends don't. Her family believes it though and that's all that matters because her mom tells her that it's pointless to cry over a guy. So she secretly sobs in the shower and when she's lying in bed, holding her pillow tight. Four days later, she texts him. She just wants to talk to him. He was her best friend and she doesn't think she can handle losing his friendship. He apologizes for everything and asks if he can get one more shot. Time number 5. She gives him that next try because she really does love him. Things go good but her best friend, Alex, who knows both of them says that she thinks he'll be gone by the next Tuesday. Then a few days later, he hasn't talked to her all. She knows what's coming, but she doesn't wanna believe it. She's working hard that next monday at softball practice, off to the side catching for her pitcher, Amanda. She checks her phone to see what time it is and sees that she has one new message. *Garrett (:* She takes a deep breath and opens it, hoping it's not what she thinks it is. She's wrong. She tries to blink back tears because she doesn't like to cry in front of people. She goes up to Alex and is barely able to choke out the words "You win." Alex gives her a confused look and she says, "He did it again.." and the tears start to fall. She works through her tears for a few minutes because they're in the middle of a competition. Once it's done, she let's the tears fill her eyes and she is immediately surrounded by her friends. The other catcher, Brianna, tells her what an asshole he is and that she knows from prior experiences. What she doesn't know is that Brianna's been trying to talk to him, even though she has a boyfriend. Brianna tells her this a few days later and she fights with Garrett, sobbing the entire time. She doesn't know who to believe. Her choice is made clear when she hears that Brianna is going on a date with Garrett, but doesn't have the guts to tell her. She realizes that Brianna is playing Garrett and she tells him. He doesn't know who to believe, but he ends up believing her. She stands by him the entire time he likes Brianna. He finally realizes she was messing with his head, and he asks for one last try. She gives him the try. But this time, something's different with her. She's afraid of when he's gonna leave. She wakes up daily wondering if that day is the day he'll leave. That weekend, she is sleeping over his house with Jillian. He wants her to sneak into his room once Jillian falls asleep. She is planning to but falls asleep, and she couldn't do that to her best friend. They go to a mission trip meeting the next day and have to carry shelves up from the basement. He smacks her in the butt with one and she laughs. This is the happiest she has been in a long, long time. But she's still afraid. She really believed he was gonna stick around. He told her he loved her. That meant he'd stay, right? Wrong. It's her last week of school. She has finals to worry about, and he hasn't talked to her. She's trying to focus on her tests, but he keeps crossing her mind. Finally, she's sick of it. She texts him twice, asking what's going on. He asks if they can talk about it later because he has so much school shit going on. The first time, she reluctantly says yes. The second time she demands to know. Now. He shatters her by telling her that he likes her but he doesn't want to ruin the friendship. She tells him that that's bullshit, their friendship would be just fine and she wants to know the real reason. He tells her that it would be different after they date. And he's been talking to someone else for a week. She is even more hurt than any other time. Each time makes it a little worse. She cries daily. She manages to pull an A on each final, even though she's torn apart inside. She has summer softball games to play. The only thing that gets her mind off of him is softball. After a hard game in 95 degree heat, her coach invites them to go swimming at her house. She is next door neighbors with him. Her and the coach's daughter go over to his house to see if Jillian wants to come swim. He answers the door with a smile on his face as she's standing there in a bikini. She walks away in tears. Later that night he I.M's her and tells her he likes her. She is stupid enough to believe him. He doesn't talk to her after that. A week later she's on Facebook and she sees "♥ Garrett Rader is in a relationship with Heather Halcisak" She sits on the kitchen floor, sobbing. He lied to her. The next thing she knows, a month's gone by and it's time for their church's week long mission trip. She knows this is gonna be a week of hell for her. As the week goes on, they're snapping at each other, he's being a douchebag and she's being a total bitch right back to protect herself. She's losing a little bit of strength with each comment he makes. On Wednesday, they go to a waterpark. They have to wear takinis, but her's is lowcut. This was the only day that they actually got along. The last day, she is sitting next to him and he makes it so that she catches a glimpse of his phone screen, which is his girlfriend. She immediately gets up and hurries off to the bathroom with Jillian close behind where she ends up crying. She sits in complete silence for the rest of the night, which is a first for this trip. Everyone asks what's wrong, except for him, because he knows. Last mission trip was magical for the two of them, this one is complete hell. The last morning during circle, she ends up holding his hand. She just shakes her head, trying to get rid of the memories that are bringing tears. She takes the time to write a four page note about everything that he refuses to talk about with her and puts it in his SWAK bag. He I.M's her after he reads it and they talk for a while. He says he feels terrible. She knows this isn't gonna end like every other time. He's not gonna tell her he still likes her. He's got her. He hasn't talked to her since then. Every little thing reminds her of him and he doesn't think of her at all. She cries herself to sleep nightly. Three weeks later, she still hasn't talked to him. She sleeps over Jillian's house. This is the most awkward sleepover she has ever been to. She walks in their house and he's sitting in his room. She takes her stuff upstairs and he doesn't say hi. Later that night, her and Jillian are in the kitchen and he's watching TV in the room connected to their kitchen. As she walks in, head held high, he looks at her. She shakes her head and narrows her eyes. She looks away before he can react. Her and Jillian are laughing in the kitchen and quietly talking, some of it's about him, some of it's not. She types on her phone ....awkward... and shows it to Jillian. They bust up laughing and he shoots Jillian a look. She gives him a puzzled look and he just gets up and storms off. As they're sitting in Jillian's room, they're jamming out to 'Girlfriend' and 'Best Friend's Brother' and they're talking about how he doesn't get how badly he hurt her. She's not making any attempt to keep the conversation on the DL. They wake up around noon the next morning and Jillian's mom is making pancakes. They come downstairs when they're done and he's working on the deck. He walks inside and keeps his head down and refuses to make eye contact with her. The next time he walks in, A Little Bit Stronger is on the radio and she's singing along. He walked in through the sliding door, which she is sitting right by and he still refuses to say anything or make eye contact with her. As he walks away, she mutters low enough for just her and Jillian to hear, 'Hi to you too..' She is slowly breaking down and doesn't know how much longer she can handle this. She just wants the friendship back the way it was before. This is the story that wrecked the once happy, confident girl she used to be. The reason she doesn't believe in love anymore. Because she feels like she'll never love again.
*January 2012*
There's days where she thinks she's over him, but there's days where she misses him so much that it hurts. Today's the second kind of day.
She's fighting with her mom..again. She's in the bathroom sobbing. She misses the good little girl she used to be and she just can't take this anymore. She still misses him so much so she picks up the phone and starts typing "G-a-r". His name comes up and she starts typing. "Can you talk. I need you right now." He's quick to reply back and he comforts her for over an hour. She says that she'll talk to him later and he tells her not to go to sleep. Her heart stops when she reads his next message, "Can I ask you a question. And don't get mad when I do." She knows exactly what his question is so she says yes. "Do you still like me?"
"Yes."
"How much?"
"The same as I always have."
"Shit :("
She knows he feels bad, but she can't help it. But the next few days make it even worse. He continues to text her until 11 that night. His message after that makes her stomach drop, "If things don't work out with me and Heather, do you want to try us again?"
"Yes."
He sends her a picture, but it's just a normal picture. He asks for one back. She's wearing no makeup, zebra pajama pants, her long sleeve softball shirt, and her natural hair. She doesn't care what she looks like because he's her best friend. She hits send. "You're so pretty :)"
She cringes because she knows where this is going.
She sits on the bathroom floor bawling because she doesn't know what to think or how to feel. She loves him, but she doesn't want to get hurt..again.
They text throughout the night and into the next morning. After school he texts her and they're flirting. He's asking if she still wants to have sex with him and she says yes, because she does. He's her best friend, but she doesn't want to give it up yet. Later, she has a picture message from him. She opens it and is shocked. He's shirtless. And he's asking for her in a bra.
She sends it.
And cries because she feels so bad for his girlfriend because she can't imagine getting cheated on.
But his girlfriend won't find out.
She continues to sext him daily, and they flirt, and he promises that he'll leave her next time they fight, which will be anyday because they fight all the time.
A week later, the teens at church have to run the service, which includes him, but not his sister. She wears her black pencil skirt that makes her butt look great, and he flirts with her the entire service. But she knows this isn't going to last if he won't leave his girlfriend, so she texts him and asks if he's actually leaving his girlfriend, or if he's just messing with her head again. He tells her he doesn't know, he still needs to think. She tells him he has until Friday, five more days. He tells her that he can't rush it. She tells him he'll end it if he really wants to be with her.
He doesn't reply.
She texts him and says that she just doesn't want to go back to not being close friends. He breaks her by saying "Then let's just be friends."
She was so damn close to being happy again, but now, there's no chance.
She stays up till 4:30 just laying in bed listening to music, and doesn't get up till 12 the next day.
They go a week without talking.
Monday the next week, she's working on science fair. She needs 7 people to brush their teeth with her toothbrushes. She drops toothbrushes off to her best friend, Jillian. He walks out of the kitchen and asks if he's doing it too. She says, "Could you please?" because she needs people desperately. She leaves and she's okay. Wednesday, she goes back to pick them up.
Jillian's at soccer practice.
Their dad is somewhere else in the house.
She steps in and grabs them from him. She's almost in tears, knowing what should've been. She turns to leave and he says "Come here." She turns around and is in complete shock when she sees him standing with his arms wide open. He pulls her in for a few seconds. She starts to let go, but he holds on tighter and she starts freaking out. He asks how she is. She lies and says she's good. He asks how her family is. She says good. He keeps his arms around her, but pulls back to see her face. "Your mom?"
"Fine."
She moves back to where she was before, with her chin resting on his shoulder. He asks if she's okay. She lies again and says yes. He asks if she's sure. She can't hold it in anymore. She's three seconds away from breaking down in his arms.
"No."
He asks what's wrong. She says nothing because she can't tell him what's really bothering her. Because it's what could've and should've been between them. He pulls back again to look in her eyes. His first guess
"Is it your mom."
"No."
"School?"
"No."
"What is it?"
"Nothing."
He chuckles and shakes his head. She figures he knows what it really is. He puts his forehead against hers and she starts freaking out again. She's afraid he's going to kiss her and cheat on Heather again. She's more focused on not crying though.
They've been hugging for a while now and they finally finish. She turns around and fumbles for the doorknob. He says "Take care of yourself."
The same thing he said as she was leaving after their second date.
She gets out the door and is walking back to her car. She's sobbing. She gains control of herself, and is silently letting hot tears roll down her cheeks. She's thanking god that it's dark out so her dad doesn't notice. She spends the rest of the night crying and venting to Jillian, who tells her to text him just to see if things are different. All she says is "Hi." but he doesn't text back and she knows he's staying with Heather.
She tells her best friends the next day at school and cries everytime she tells the story. This is the first time this year she's actually broken down at school. She flashbacks to the night before in almost every class and cries in English and Biology, but no one notices. She wipes her tears and gets through the day. She needs to go back over there to drop the toothbrushes off again. Jillian answers the door and she walks in. He's not home. Their dad is in the kitchen, on the phone. She puts on a fake smile and waves. She hands the toothbrushes to Jillian and Jillian just gives her a look. Jillian pulls her into a hug and she completely breaks down. She's sobbing and her and Jillian go outside and talk for ten minutes and she's crying the entire time. She collects herself and gets back in the car, hoping her dad won't notice since it's light out.
He doesn't.
She gets in the car and "My Heart Can't Tell You No" is on the radio. She cries more as the day goes on. A week later she has to go over there again to drop off forms. Her and Jillian plan it out so that she's not home. She walks in, hoping it'll be the same as last time, but she secretly knows it won't. She steps in and he asks if he just fills the forms out, and if he can throw the other ones away. She says yes and stands there awkwardly. Their dad yells down to ask who's there and he says "Kristen" and his dad yells down hi. She smiles and yells back her hellos. She is close to tears and it doesn't help that she knows that his parents like her better than his girlfriend. She turns to leave, this time in tears and he just says "See you around." and she's able to choke out "Bye."
She cries that entire night.
But she puts on a smile the next morning.
That Sunday, she has soccer.
He's there.
She looks up from the bench and sees him sitting in the stands and the first thing out of her mouth is "Fuuck." She goes on to be completely distracted and upset and plays the worst game she probably ever has. She's sitting on the bench crying and his dad's her coach, so she tries to hide it, but she's pretty sure he saw.
A few weeks later, Brianna, the girl who had her sloppy seconds, makes a status about her, and talks shit about her and Garrett. She's instantly upset and she needs him. She doesn't know what to do though because if she just says "Hi." he won't respond, but if she says "Can we talk?" he'll think she wants to get back together. So she says, "Can you talk. I need you right now." He instantly replies and asks what's wrong. She vents for two hours, and she knows that he's back to being her best friend and she's so thankful for that.
Later in the week, she's got a C in math. She's a straight A student that excels in math, and she's at the end of her rope. She needs help, but she doesn't know who to go to. He's a year ahead of her, so he's already taken the class, so she texts him and asks if he can help her. He says yes, and asks if he can call her, because he knows she hates talking on the phone. She says yes.
Her phone buzzes and his picture comes up. She chokes back tears because she has to keep herself somewhat collected. She answers, "Hello."
"Hey."
She goes on to read off the problems and he helps her for about five minutes. Then they begin talking about other random stuff, like the best friends they are. She can't help but feel that it's so perfect and that's how it's supposed to be. They talk for another five minutes and then they hang up. She whispers "I love you." as she pulls the phone away. She feels her heart break and she sits on her bedroom floor crying. The next day, she finds out her test was moved back a day, so she asks him for help again that night, but he's not in the mood to help. After she finishes texting him, she realizes she probably should've asked if he was okay, since that's what he always does for her, but she doesn't really care at that moment.
She wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely broken. It's finally hit her that he completely used her back in January. She spends the rest of the day trying not to cry, but she knows that it's just gonna be another night that she cries herself to sleep.
All because of him </3
March 18th
He's baaaack
She goes to church Sunday morning.
Him and his sister are there.
He sits nexts to her.
She's halfway to tears partway through the service.
Afterwards, they stay to make candy to sell. They feed them lunch. Her anorexia is getting really bad. She pretends to eat, but he doesn't notice. Later she texts him because she can't handle it anymore. She tells him everything about her eating disorders. He's an amazing help. She tells him she's always there for him too since she always vents to him. They start to flirt. She doesn't really give a fuuck because her mom has just put her at that point where she doesn't want to be the good girl anymore. The next day, she sexts him again. He's flirting with her and all of a sudden, she gets a text from a random number. It's his girlfriend, begging her to tell her who she is. She won't say, and he texts her telling her not to tell Heather anything. She doesn't. He says he doesn't know how she got her number. He says him and Heather have been fighting a lot, but she doesn't know if he'll leave her. On Wednesday, his sister texts her and says that Heather's over, working on a project.
Later that night
"Just out of curiousity, are you staying with Heather or no?"
"Idk all we do is fight"
"I'm telling you this as your friend. If all you do is fight, it's not worth it. And I'd tell you that even if I didn't like you."
"I know but it's so hard to let go."
"I know, but you know something's not right if you can cheat on her twice."
"I never cheated on her"
"You wouldn't call sexting cheating?"
"No, it's just really bad."
"Wellll yeah, but most people would say it's cheating."
"Oh well I don't. It's just bad."
"Whatever. You're just being dumb, you know she treats you like shit."
"At times."
"Still. She shouldn't ever."
"I know..."
"And you know the longer you hold on, the harder it'll be to let go."
*no reply*
He only walks into her life when she's close to being over him.
April 24th
She's falling to pieces. Her mom's made 8 comments that day about her weight and eating habits and she just can't take it anymore. She needs his comfort. She tells him what's going on, and his comfort this time is a little bit different.
"I'm just scared of this"
"What exactly are you scared of?"
"Going to a hospital or therapy, dying, this affecting me for the rest of my life."
"Then stop it now."
"I'm trying."
"Do it for me. Please. Would that help?"
"Yes."
She realizes that he actually cares. She thanks him and he asks for a normal picture, but he doesn't reply after she sends it. The next day they're talking and she says she just got out of the shower and he asks for a picture. When she asks what he wants, he says suprise me, so she sends her in a sports bra and underwear. He doesn't reply again. They talk for a few more days, but it becomes clear to her that he's staying with her again. She gets to the point where she's crying at every song, she's crying at school, she can't even pretend to be happy. So she texts him.
"Hi, can we talk?"
He doesn't reply.
The next day, she tries again.
"Can we please just talk."
He doesn't reply.
She's pissed and needs to get what she needs to say out, so she sends him a long text at 11:30.
"Alright whatever. I just want you to know it's not fair to me or heather, and no matter what you think, the shiit you do isn't being faithful to her, and you know it just hurts me worse everytime, so I don't really know why you do it, especially when I'm so close to slipping back into anorexia, but I'm still trying to stay out of it for you, because I wanna believe you actually cared about that. But I just wanna put everything behind us and just stay best friends for now until you decide what you're actually gonna do. But don't even bother coming back and flirting and stuff.. until you actually leave her for good, because I'm done playing these games. And when I say I wanna stay best friends, I mean I don't want us to only talk when I text you. Just random, every now and then, hey how have you been, making sure i'm doing okay texts would be great. Because I honestly miss that friendship more than anything, like you ALWAYS being there and being able to talk for hours, not this back and forth bullshiit. And I'm sorry for everything that's happened between us in the past year. That's all."
He never replies.
May 26
He texts her at 11. She's still up because she's doing homework and her heart instantly drops when she sees Garrett on the phone. All it says is hey, so she swallows her pride and texts back. They talk for a little bit and he starts to flirt. Jillian tells her not to fall into his trap and she tells her she won't, she's got a plan. He asks her for a picture. She agrees to anything he wants. Then, she takes a piece of paper and a sharpie and writes, "You have a fuucking girlfriend. Nice try assshole. (:" She puts on a tshirt and shorts and takes the picture. He replies "Clever, but I'm single."
The plan's gone to hell now.
He convinces her that they broke up and she believes him. They flirt for a few days then out of the blue, he says "I just got out of a relationship, I don't want to rush into another one." She understands completely. He promises that he won't get back together with her and that they'll still talk and flirt and hang out.
They don't talk for another week and he's still driving heather to school.
The next weekend, she's at her sister's softball tournament and she's bored. She texts him, not expecting a reply, but she gets one. She's out of school for summer, but he's not. She asks if he wants to hang out Thursday and he says if he doesn't have to work, but he'll let her know.
He doesn't let her know.
Wednesday night, she texts him, "Are we hanging out tomorrow?"
What she doesn't know is he's back together with his psychotic biitch of a girlfriend and she's with him when he receives that text.
His girlfriend starts texting back from his phone, she thinks.
"No. I have a girlfriend. I don't want anything to do with you."
She's sitting in Dairy Queen with her little sister's softball team when she reads that. It takes everything she has not to cry. She gives all her food to the girl next to her who's been trying to steal it all night because she can't even eat.
She texts back
"I thought you guys broke up...?"
"We did. And we're back together. I gotta go bye."
"Kbye. And way to promise you weren't gonna get back together with her."
"Did I ever promise you that...."
"Yeah?"
"Honestly I don't remember ever saying that..."
"Well you did?"
"Ok look even if I wasn't dating her, I wouldn't date you. You're my sister's friend."
"What about every other time you pretend you wanna be with me? You're seriously the most bipolar asshole."
"Ok tell me a time I've wanted to be with you....."
"Try every time you fuucking cheated on her?"
"With who?"
"Me?"
"What are you talking about!?"
"Lol who the fuuck is this?"
"Garrett. What are you talking about"
"Nice try Heather. He knows exactly what I'm talking about."
"This isn't Heather. This is Garrett."
"Really? Then you know exactly what I'm fuucking talking about."
"No I don't."
"Nice try. Because we've had this conversation before. You know exactly what you do that's cheating, if this is actually Garrett."
"It is. I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Whatever. I know you fucking know."
"I'll text you later. I gotta go."
"Seriously fuuck you. Bye."
"And I will text you later."
"Alright."
"Seriously are you trying to start a problem?"
"No?"
"I literally never see you!"
"What are you talking about?"
"I never communicate with you."
"You talked to me this entire past weekend and you said we'd hang out if you didn't have to work?!"
"No I didn't."
"Yeah you did. Seriously fuck you. You can go ahead and put on a little act for your girlfriend and treat me like shit, but you know I've always been there for you. But I guess that doesn't matter. Honestly, I don't even wanna be fuucking friends anymore. Don't ever fuucking talk to me ever again. All he says is K. She's instantly pissed, but all she says is bye.
Then she gets a text from his girlfriend..
"Hiii so uhm, idk why u hate me and garrett dating but i would really like it if u left him alone. I'm not trying to start anything i just don't want drama"
"I really don't give a fuuck that you're dating? We've been best friends since we were little? I'm not trying to start shiit. We're friends"
"That's not what he says, but ok. And you don't have to be immature and swear at me, I'm just making a point. He doesn't want you. I'm trying to save a bunch of shiit from happening. Thanks."
"You want the truth? Yes i like him. I've liked him for two years. We went on two dates and he's messed around with my head a lot but i don't really care about that. He's my best guy friend and I've been the one who was there for him when you two were fighting. He's promised me 4 times that he was gonna leave you for me. Some stupid stuff happened, and he cheated on you four times, but he won't admit it to you. When you guys broke up, he flirted with me for a few days and saaid he wanted to be with me, but then said he didn't wanna rush into a relationship, which i understood 100%. He promised he wouldn't get back together with you. And I was asking if he wanted to hang out because on monday, he said we would if he didn't have to work. But you know what, you win. And if you can swear and be "immature" then i can too.
-Omfg your delirious hahaha
-And why do you say that?
-Okayy, well he's with me. He's gonna be for a while. Sorry he doesn't want a 14 year old. Bye
-I'm a year younger than you guys? Nice try though.
-Uhmm no. I'm 18. Nice try.
-He's 17. Nice try.
-And my boyfriend. Nice try.
-I don't care that you're dating? But nice try.
-He does care. He doesn't want you. Your crazy.
-Alright, whatever. I get it. You win biitch.
Two weeks go by. She doesn't text him at all but he's constantly on her mind. Eventually, she breaks down.
"Can we please be friends again?"
He doesn't reply and she cries and cries and cries. She cries herself to sleep for a week. Then she's sleeping over Jillian's. She gets over there at 10:45 and he gets home from work an hour later. He walks by 4 times and doesn't say hi at all. She's pissed and trying to keep herself from crying. As her and Jillian are walking downstairs to go watch a movie, he walks out of his room to go to the bathroom and it takes all her strength not to turn around. After Jillian's asleep she texts him.
"Listen. I'm sorry. Okay? I don't really know what else to say. I just want our friendship back, nothing more. I just seriously miss our friendship."
It's 1:30 AM so he's asleep. She wakes up at 8:30 with a text from him.
"Are you up?"
"Yeah"
"Is Jillian?"
"No"
"Wanna come up here?"
"Sure"
"Ok :)"
After the last message from him, she knows in her head that it's a bad idea. But the next thing she knows, she's sneaking up their stairs. She opens the door enough to walk in and looks at him. He's laying in his bed. She sits in the rolling chair and he starts to talk.
"Don't worry about Heather okay? She's just a biitch."
She's confused as to why he's still with her if she's a bitch but all she's able to say is "okay"
He sits up and says "Come here" with his arms open. She sits on the edge of his bed and they hug. He starts to rub her back and he whispers in her ear "I'm sorry". She mutters back "I'm sorry too" because she feels like she should, when in reality, she doesn't regret a thing she said. He pulls back and says "Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for." They release their hug and he asks if she wants to lay down with him. She knows in her mind this is going downhill fast, but she says yes. He pulls back the covers and she gets in bed next to him. He wraps his arms around her and pulls the covers back up. She realizes just how perfect this feels. They look at each other and his face is about two inches away from hers. Next thing she knows, his lips are on hers. They kiss for a few seconds and they smile at each other. She wishes she could start every morning this way. They kiss three more times. He lifts up her shirt a little bit and puts his hand right above where her shorts start. He asks if that's okay. She says yes. He moves it up to the end of her rib cage.
"Is this okay"
"Yes".
Above her bra.
"Is this okay"
"Yes"
Inside her bra.
"Is this okay"
"Yes"
"Are you sure"
She bites her lip and nods.
"Yes"
She knows what she's doing is wrong, but she's so in love with him.
They start to make out.
Next thing she knows, his hand is in her shorts. She's not sure what to do. She wants to let him, but she knows she'll hate herself when he doesn't break up with Heather.
She touches his hand and says "uh uh" and he stops. They go back to making out, but they stop after a few minutes because he's afraid his parents will catch them and she's terrified that Jillian will catch them. He walks out of his room first then tells her to follow. He's down the stairs by the time she gets down and they walk into the kitchen. She's standing in the kitchen with him and Jillian wakes up. She looks at her, smiles because she wants the two of them to be friends just as bad and goes back to sleep. He makes her waffles for breakfast and they talk about soccer and work. He sees the Notebook's main screen and asks what they were watching. She smiles and says the Notebook and he laughs and rolls his eyes because he knows it's her favorite. Once they finish eating, he goes upstairs to fill out paperwork for work and she sits on the couch. Her and Jillian watch the Notebook for a second time. Jillian asks what happened and she makes up a story. She feels like absolute shiit lying to her best friend, but she's afraid of how she'll react. She says they just talked and made up. Garrett texts her and tells her not to tell anyone and she says she won't because she plans on not telling anyone. He thanks her and apologizes for trying to finger her and she says it's fine. And he says he'll text her first from now on so Heather doesn't freak out and she says okay, but she'll believe it when it happens.
She goes home and they text a little bit for the rest of the day and not at all on Sunday because he has to work. On Monday she texts him after VBS and he tells her he's n a bad mood and he's going to Corey's to calm down and not to text him later. She wants to believe him but she knows he's probably with Heather.
Her fears are confirmed when her best friend, their neighbor texts her and says he's lying. She texts him later.
"Why couldn't you just tell me the truth."
"Because you would've been pissed."
"I'm pissed that you lied."
"Sorry"
"Whatever."
The next day she texts him during VBS
"Hi"
"Hi..."
"...?"
"We broke up. Happy?"
"Are you okay with it?"
"Yes and no."
"Okay. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, with or without me."
She texts him a few hours later asking if he has to work the next day. He says no. She asks if he wants to hang out. She just wants to talk things out. He says no. She just says okay and is instantly upset.
The next day, they fight again because he's hanging out with Heather instead of her.
"Seriously did you break up or no?"
"Yess just leave me alone."
"Why are you still hanging out with her?"
"We're friends"
"So basically I'm about to get screwed over like every other time."
"We're not together"
"So? You act like you wanna be with me and then feed me the same old bullshit everytime because you know I'll believe it."
"Idk what I want"
"Yeah I'm well aware. I've heard it all before. But you can't just string me along because of that. I've wasted two daamn years on you because you couldn't get your act together in thirteen tries."
"I don't know what I want."
"Obviously. That's still not an excuse for the shiit you put me through."
"K."
"Seriously quit being such an ass to me. I haven't done anything to you."
"I don't know what I want ugh."
"I. Know. It's not an excuse. At all. You don't even know what you put me through."
"No I don't"
"I've literally been in tears at every little thing that reminded me of you for the last month. This past week's been absolute hell. You knew exactly what would happen when you asked me to come upstairs and you knew what it would do to me."
"I didn't think we were gonna kiss so yeah."
"Still. You knew there was no way I'd be able to say no to you. It's just not fair anymore. I don't really know why you think I should believe at all that you'll figure out what you want and things will change, because they won't."
"Idk what's gonna happen"
"It's the same thing every time. You don't know what's gonna happen, but we might end up being something which is enough to keep me holding on, then 4 days later you don't want anything to do with me. And you don't even know how bad I feel about this with your sister."
"What about her"
"She knows but she thinks we kissed in the kitchen and I feel like shiit because I'm lying to my best friend."
"Why did you tell her? I told you not to."
"Because I spent all Sunday bawling my eyes out and you were being an asss. I needed someone there for me and she's my best friend. She saw us talking in the kitchen and asked what happened."
"You just say we were talking then."
"I couldn't handle it by myself. It wouldn't matter if she was your sister or not, she still would've found out. I felt like absolute shit and a total whoore and I needed to vent to her."
"K."
"Seriously K me one more fuucking time. Quit being such an assswhole."
"I know I'm an assswhole."
"You're just being one to me lately and I don't really get why."
"Cuz I feel bad."
"What the hell do you feel bad about?"
"Us."
"Why do you have to be so dammn mean to me then if you feel bad."
"I'm not being mean. I just don't wanna deal with it."
"That's not fair to me. At all. And you might not be trying to be mean, but you sure as hell are coming across as it."
"Sorry."
"LOL that's cute. You think your apologies actually mean something to me anymore."
"Ugh."
"It's your own damn fault."
"I know."
"Yepp. I just don't get why you couldn't have just let me move on."
"Just move on."
"You wouldn't let me. Everytime I tried to, you just so happened to come back and mess with my head for a week."
"Just move on."
"It doesn't work like that. You think I don't wanna be over you?"
"Date someone else."
"Why? So you can fuck up my relationship with him like it seems like you do everytime I start to like someone. And it wouldn't be fair to them. At all."
"Just do it. You'll move on."
"It won't help and it's not fair to just use someone like that. You wouldn't know about that though"
"Yeah I would."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"You didn't have a problem doing it to me."
"I did."
"You did it 13 times. It obviously wasn't that big of an issue."
"Yeah it was."
"Then why keep doing it?"
"Cuz I'm confused."
"What is there even to be confused about? Either you wanna be with me or you don't. I'm done being your 'when you feel like it' girl."
"I don't know what I want."
"As in whether or not you want to be single or what..?"
"You wouldn't understand."
"I'm sure I would."
"No you wouldn't cuz I'm still confused. I have no idea what I want."
"I'm sure I would but whatever."
"Trust me you won't."
"Whateverrrr. Is it just basically that you have no intention of ever actually being with me?"
"Can we not talk about this."
"No. You can't just push it aside because you don't wanna deal with it."
"I know."
"I'm just so sick of being your second option. You don't get how bad it hurts that you're able to do this shiit to me."
"I hate myself."
"Enough with the pity party You don't think it, but I hate myself just as much as you hate yourself. I let you walk all over me. Before now, I always said how I had no respect for cheaters, especialllllly the one who wasn't a part of the relationship. But look at who I am now."
"Ohh."
"Yeah. This affects me just as much as it affects you."
"I know."
"This seriously sucks."
"Yeah."
"But seriously. Why do you keep doing this to me if you can't figure out what you want. After you know, maybe 3 tries, you'd realize it's not helping you figure it out."
"Idk."
"Seriously? You were supposed to be the one guy who wouldn't do this shiit to me and you can't even give me a legit reason."
"No I can't."
"Ugh. But honestly, could you see yourself with me at all."
"Idk."
"You can't just give me a legit answer?"
"I don't have one."
"Let's put it this way. Do you want to be with me or am I wasting my time?"
"You're wasting your time."
"Is that what was so damn confusing to you."
"No I just decided that."
"What the helll was Saturday?!"
"Idk."
"Seriously."
"Yeah."
"You're seriously such an asshole. Thanks for playing me."
"I didn't know what would happen."
"Why couldn't you have just let me walk out of the damn room?!"
"Idk."
"So you pretty much just used me."
"No. I didn't know how it would turn out."
"You could've just left it at a hug."
"I know."
"Lol whatever. I just don't get why you do this shiit and then expect me to move on."
"Idk."
"You can't give me a straight answer at all, can you?"
Then he didn't reply so I texted him in the morning and said
"So are we gonna stay friends or no..?"
"Idk. But we shouldn't talk so you can get over me."
"We already tried this. It just makes things worse."
"Then friends. But we won't text nearly as much."
"Fine by me."
"Okay."
End of conver
ANYWAYS
She texts him the Friday before they're supposed to leave for mission trip. They talk for a little bit and she ends up sexting him again. She thinks mission trip is gonna be really really great and they're gonna end up together.
No.
She gets there and he's coming later because he couldn't get off work.
She finds out that because she's not allergic to poison ivy and the job site has high ladders, her and Garrett and his friend Corey are on the job site together along with one of her best friends, Shannon. He's nice the first day, but he's cranky the second day and she calls him out on it. He apologizes and is nicer. They go to a pool later that night and she's wearing a bikini. She catches him staring multiple times and she doesn't really know what to think. She writes him a SWAK and basically says he's got till the end of the week to text her and tell her what's going on. He leaves that night because of soccer. He's giving everyone hugs and Corey hugs her, but Garrett skips her and Jillian. She looks at Jillian with tears in her eyes, but she's a deer in the headlights. She is planning on just crying at the table in front of everyone, but Jillian thinks fast and takes her into the bathroom. This bathroom doesn't have a door on the front and a huge mirror that reflects so the people in the hallway can see. She's full out bawling and Garrett and Corey walk by and her and Corey make eye contact in the mirror. Neither of them say anything about it.
On the Sunday after they get home, she texts him around 11 asking to talk because he hasn't texted her at all during the rest of mission trip.
"Can we talk...?"
"Yeah..."
"What's it gonna be...?"
"What do you mean? I'm staying single for a while."
"Of course. Why do we have to keep doing this?"
"I just got done with Heather and I don't wanna jump into another relationship. Sorry."
"I get it. And I understand 100%. I just don't get why you act like you wanna be with me and then a few days later it's done."
"I just don't wanna get into drama again."
"What's gonna cause drama?"
"There's always drama over stupid shit and I don't wanna deal with it."
"This is literally the shittiest excuse."
"I just don't wanna do it."
"Do what?"
"Deal with the shit"
"I really don't even know what to say to you right now. Why do you keep coming back if it's just gonna end like this everytime?"
"I'm done coming back and screwing you over."
"You tell me this everytime.."
"I'm serious."
"Why can't I just have one try without the games...?"
"I don't wanna date anyone."
"Seriously. This is the same shiit I hear every time."
"I'm done dating."
Then she calls him because she's sobbing and she feels like what she says next will be a lot more powerful if he hears her crying, but he doesn't pick up.
"Don't wanna talk on the phone."
"Why can't you just say you don't wanna be with me..?"
"Fine. I don't wanna be with you."
"Why'd you have to lie all this time. I could've been over you by now."
"I know you could've"
"Why'd you keep coming back then?"
"Cuz I wanted to try us...but now I don't cuz I want to stay single."
"What made you think we were gonna work if you didn't wanna be with me?"
"I wanted to try."
"Why? Why the hell would you wanna be with someone you don't have feelings for?"
"I did.......a while ago."
"When...?"
"When we first talked."
"Why the hell would you make me waste two fuucking years on you?!"
"Cuz I wanted to try."
"That's not fair to me at all."
"I know it's not."
"If you know it's not then why do it."
"Cuz I wanted to try."
She's still sobbing and pretty much can't see her keyboard at all
"Ugh. Can we please just talk on the phone."
"Why"
"Because I feel like right now it'd be easier."
"How would it be easier."
"Because it's getting hard to figure out how to word what I wanna say to make it sound the way I want to."
"Well I'm not talking on the phone."
They continue fighting until 3 AM then finally give up.
They don't talk again until August 6th.
They're flirting again like it used to be.
August 8th, she's home alone. She texts him and asks if he'll come over.
He does.
He walks in and they hug for a few seconds. Then they're kissing. His hands and on her waist and they start to move towards the stairs. Next thing she knows, they're upstairs in her bed. Her shirt's off. His shirt's off. Her bra comes off. Next goes her shorts. Then his shorts. Then her underwear. Then finally his. They kiss and things get more intense. They're making out and he fingers her. He kisses her neck and then eats her out. She gives him a hand job. He's on top of her and rubbing his dick on her clit and around her vagina. The only reason they didn't have sex is because he didn't have a condom. They talk for a little bit, then it gets to be time for him to leave. They hug and kiss in her dining room, neither one wanting to say goodbye. Once he leaves, she feels that pain that she's felt everytime he's left, but she hopes for the best. Because of health class, she knows there's a small chance that if any precum got in her vagina, she could be pregnant, so her next period is truly welcomed, even if it was on her birthday. A month and a half later, they're still talking, and she's still a virgin, only because they haven't had the time to hang out. They sext each other a lot, and she feels like this time is different, like this time is real. Hopefully it is.
She constantly wonders how long it is until he leaves again.
^If you read all of that, please tell me.
This account is strictly my confessions. The stuff I don't want my friends knowing. I moved them from my normal account. If you want to know my quote account just ask. ♥
Kristen Elizabeth;
On August 26th of 1996, a little baby girl was born. She's got strawberry blonde hair and green eyes. Perfectly straight teeth because she went through that torturous thing orthodontists like to call braces. She was born and raised with Christian values and goes to church almost every Sunday, a lot more than the rest of her family, because she sees how much God has gotten her through. She's a sophomore at a high school in a little town in Ohio. She plays varsity soccer there and is a JV softball catcher and outfielder. Her favorite colors are pink, green, electric blue, and purple. She's a night person, and absolutely hates mornings. She's a straight A student and will probably be the valedictiorian of her class. She has a little sister and loves her more than anything. But her mom's told her that her sister's the better child and that she's the bitch and slut of the family, but she doesn't care. She also has a cat that she loves. Her friends mean the world to her. She loves Mountain Dew, and if you didn't know, it lowers your sperm count (; Music is her life. Especially country music. She should've been a southern girl. Her favorite artists are Miranda Lambert, Lady Antebellum, Keith Urban, Luke Bryan, and Scotty McCreery.. and of course, T-Swifty because she's gotten her through so much this year. She's dealt with ENDOS (read down there vv) for over a year and lost ten pounds at her worst point, but her best friends were able to talk her out of it before she lost anymore than that. She still thinks about it sometimes, but she's strong enough to stay out of it. She has six bracelets that she wears everyday. Read about them down there vv. And that's the story of this little girl
ENDOS; Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. An individual who meets all criteria for anorexia nervosa except has regular menstrual cycles and has a weight that falls within the normal weight range. Meets all criteria for bulimia nervosa except they engage in purging behaviors less than twice per week or for fewer than three months.
My bracelets;
Awkward bracelet. Orange, says awkward across it. Is my best friend and I's best friend bracelet.
Donate Life bracelet. Green. Says donate life and done vida. I'm a strong believer in organ donation, so I wear this.
Explosive band. My younger sister plays tournament ball for Explosive and it was $1 so I wear it to support her.
Cross bracelet. I got it for helping with youth club and it reminds me that God will always help me through everything.
Extreme love bracelet. Reminds me that Jesus died for me so I need to live for him.
ENDOS bracelet. Three pieces of pink ribbon braided together with a white bead and a purple bead in the middle. Each eating disorder/self harm and stuff has a different color. Anorexia is red. Bulimia is purple. Pink is EDNOS. Blue is depression. Orange/Black is self harm. Green is fasting at the time. Yellow is suicidal. Turquoise is overweight/obese. Teal is anxiety disorder/OCD/panic disorder. 1 white bead means your trying to recover and a mix of white beads and the color of the band mean that you're in recovery. Mine has a white bead and a purple bead because I have more bulimic tendencies and I'm trying to recover from is. If you see a girl in public wearing one, you're supposed to make eye contact and point to your bracelet, and if she nods, you know she has an ED.
this would be my best fricking friend ever ♥
He asked me to sext him. I sent him this picture ^ and this;
Honestly, I told you to knock it off with this shit. You're still with her, and I know you're not gonna leave her for me, no matter what you say, and I don't wanna go through this again. This past week has been absolute hell for me, with all the crying i've done, and you don't even deserve my tears, or me for that matter. You had 12 tries to make it right with me, and you don't get another one until you actually end things with her and want to make a legit commitment to me. I miss having you there as my best friend, and you're supposed to be there for me. But instead you play these damn mind games and that hurts. A lot. So whatever lie you were gonna give me this time before you decide to stay with her..again. Just stop.
The Bracelet Project. Read my quote about it. But this is mine for EDNOS.
kayyxbeeexconfessionsx3